My stepdaughter really hates me!?

Question

My relationship with my 15 year old stepdaughter is very difficult. My husband got very upset with her and told her that if she doesn't have respect for us she is not welcome at our place. My SD is very upset with him and she blames everything on me. Every time he doesn't show up at her baseball game because he is extremely busy she tells her coaches and friends that her dad's bitchy wife didn't let him go because she is jealous of her mother. I told her one time that she was acting like a spoiled selfish b**** and she told all her friends, her mom and her stepdad that I called her names, made fun of her and called her a b****. I apologized for that, I said I was wrong but I also told her that I am not going to let her disrespect her father. She is acting hateful towards me and says that I told my husband that she couldn't come to our house anymore. She always says good things about her stepdad, so I must be a problem. What should I do? Should I just not worry about her hating me?

I apologized numerous times and I said I wanted to be her friend and have a good relationship with her. But everybody in her extended family hate me, her friends, her mother, her boyfriend. How do I try to improve the relationship if she is constantly badmouthing me and my husband?

It seems like no matter what I try to do I always get blamed by her and her mother for every sin in the world. I am actually a nice person and I asked my husband to let her come back to our house, he refused. He said he is not ready yet. So what should I do? I feel guilty and I am very upset.

Her mother doesn't want us to go to counseling. She says that we don't want her in our lives and what is the point?

And sorry, I didn't call her a b word, I said she was acting like it. That was the first time I did that in 6 years, I never said anything negative to her at all for 6 years and never ever raised my voice. I try to stay out of it.

I am 26, and I think that makes it more difficult since I am close to her age. Her dad and I have been married for 6 years and we love each other very much.

tHANK YOU, REBECCA W, YOU ARE VERY KIND. I NEED HELP AND ADVICE AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS JUDGE.

Answer 1

You really need some type of neutral thrid party here (therapist). It is likely that the mother has poisoned the child against you, and no matter how nice you are, the child will always hate you because she feels like she is betraying her mother if she stops. Also, make sure you encourage the relationship between the father and his daughter. Set aside time for them to do things alone together. The reason for this is because another reason step-children resent their step parents is because they feel as if the step-parent is "usurping" their time with their father or mother. Finally, keep in mind that it is really not necessary that you have a relationship with your husband's daughter, but it is necessary that he have a relationship with her. You probably should refrain from trying to parent this child for a while. The daugther sees your attempts to close the gap between ya'll as an act of aggression towards her mother. It really sux to be in your position. I have been there before.

Answer 2

I have observed this stuff from a woman that I work with in the same situation. There are several things to consider. First, what is your role? You can't be her friend and an authority figure. You are much better off defining yourself as another adult figure in her life, that is there to support her through the transition into adulthood.

I would encourage you,your husband,herself, and her mother to sit down and talk about expectations for her when she is with you two. The second factor is her mother. The mother is in denial that her perfect daughter isn't so perfect, and possibly jealous that her ex has married a much younger woman. If the mother refuses to meet, state that you two are trying to teach the daughter appropriate social behavior and resolve the conflict in a mature manner. If she refuses to meet tell her "It sends the message to the daughter that avoiding people is an appropriate way to deal with differences and clearly she has said and done some things for which she is feeling guilty and ashamed."

If the meeting takes place, DO NOT let it turn into a power struggle/shouting match. Mom and daughter are on the same side and both want to eat you for dinner. If you lose your cool it just shows that you really are psycho witch.

The third concern is the daughter. She has the manipulation and victim role covered. She will lure you into conflict with her woe is me's, she's out to get me. Give her the attention that she's seeking by keeping the focus on her but turn it on her. For example: When your dad didn't show up for your baseball game that must have really hurt your feelings. You told your friends...... That was not true and I don't appreciate you saying these things about me. I am not the enemy or competition. When your father hurts your feelings YOU need to talk to him, rather than taking your frustrations out on me.
Good Luck!

Answer 3

Wow...I was 15 when my dad remarried and his wife was closer to my age than his. I did NOT like her at all b/c I felt like she was taking my dad away from me. You have you remember she's 15!! She doesn't understand what the real world is or relationships or anything like that. The way my stepmom and I finally developed a decent relationship was when she backed away and realized she's just that...a STEPmom... Your husband was very wrong for telling her that she is not welcome at your house. Regardless of what she said or did, she's 15! That she is can walk on everything and say hurtful things but that's is daughter and you're his wife. Daughters ALWAYS come first.

She is probably feeling left out of her dad's life (as did I) and wants more one on one time and less fighting. Yes, she may cause tension but you have to cater to her at this point. To say "I won't let anyone disrespect your dad" is the wrong thing to do! He was her dad before he was even thinking about you.

You probably are a very nice person and this is just a sticky situation. Back away from her. Things between her and her dad are between HER and her DAD. Not you. Be a friend not an authority figure. Show her respect and she'll do the same. Do things she wants to do and stay away from name calling or any drama with her mother. Don't play their games!

Good luck!

Answer 4

The sad truth is, there is not a thing you can do to make her like you. Somewhere along the way she has made you the scapegoat for all of her parents problems. Let your husband handle it. If this is how he wants to do it, then just stand by him. She may come around when she gets older, or she won't, but it won't have anything to do with what you and your husband do, but more to do with her, and what she decides to do.
I know I acted like a brat to my step mom when I was young, then over time and as I matured I realized a lot of my feeling were based on inaccurate information and raging hormones. Luckily I came around and me and my father became very close (and my step mom too), unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way. He is right though. She has to respect him and you when she is in your house, and if she won't then you are all better off if she stays home.

Answer 5

What you are going through is normal. Kids act out against their step parents because they resent the fact they are with their father instead of their mother. You can't be your SD friend. You are the adult. Your job is to give guidance and look out for her well being. Don't try so hard to make her like you. Just do what's best for her. Try not to argue and cuss. That won't help the situation. As she gets older she will appreciate you more if you do these things and when she is an adult you can worry abou being her friend. Also, your husband needs to be on the same page as you and not contradict you. Talk to each other and make sure you are in agreement on how punishment and disagreements will be handled. I was raised in a split family and resented my step dad very much. I am in my late 20's now and have a great relatioship with him, maybe better than my father. Hope it works out for you as well as it did for us.

Answer 6

First of all, your husband never should have put you against each other, by his saying "or else" and "your not welcome", she has seen that he has made a choice. She is only 15, she can not make rational choices yet and you have to be the adult. Granted she might be acting like a ***** but its not for you to tell her that. She is in rebellion and thinks your taking her Dad away or your trying to replace her Mom. The ONLY thing you can do is be supportive, she has a Dad, she already has a Mom, all you should do is let them be the parents. No, you don't deserve to be dis-respected, no one does and she will learn that as she grows to an adult, be loving and supportive and she has no other choice but to see you for who you are and not who she "thinks" you are. Remember, your husband was her father first and he should never disregard her feelings. There is enough to go around, but she doesn't know that yet, she is just a kid. Give yourself a break and just relax, it always works out in the end. Hang in there! For better or worse as it goes....

Answer 7

This sounds like everyone but you and your husbands are acting like your SD age.(15) Though you are her step mother you are forgetting the "mother" part. You have the right to be in her life and want to make things right so that there are less conflicts. Your SD seems to be a daddy's girl and she cant stand to see that your his WIFE now. Your husband needs to take more action in this than you b/c that is HIS daughter. And if he really wants it to work with you and his daughter he should have the right to want to force that counseling suggestion (with her mother there also). I would be lying to you if I said just love him and dont worry about her b/c she can lead you to depression and divorce. Your the woman and shes the kid. If her mother wants to act like one too let her. But continue to stand your ground while staying in your place if you get what I'm saying. Talk with your husband and be a team about it. Trust me, you can not do this on your own. Good Luck.

Answer 8

The only way to resolve this is for your husband to open his heart back up to his daughter!! You are going to have to put your pride down and push your husband to have a relationship with her. You both are going to have to prove yourselves with actions and not just words. Keep calling her, send her cards, attend her functions, etc....She is only 15 and right now all she knows is that wishes her mother and father were together and she would have a family intact. Someday she will understand, but not at 15. No matter what you do or say she is his daughter and you are going to have to make the best of this situation. Put yourself in her shoes and tell yourself what you would want from your step-mom. Then go from there!!!!

Answer 9

1) sounds like she is filtering her mother's feelings and her own frustrations with the situation

2) why are you the only one dealing with this situation? Her father needs to have more of a backbone but also show more tact in dealing with her.

3) Does he respect you when she's around? If he makes it seem like it's ok, she'll think it is.

4) About the ball games - you should go to show support even if your husband doesn't. Then, she won't be able to say it was you keeping him from coming - why would you if you came yourself.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Pray and submit to what your husband is saying. How new is your marrage? I believe that she will come around and get used to the newness. Dont be so offended by what she does says; she is trying to control your husband and your marriage - probably because she might be hurt by his closeness with you. Practice doing the opposite of what shes trying to make you do. When she starts all the drama with family members; let her. If family chooses to believe and pass judgement on you because of a 15 year old's opinion so be it. Shes looking for a fight. Dont give her one; be extra nice and extra polite and LOVE on her. Next time she calls you a b****; put your sweetest tone on and pretend to not care then politely tell your husband (her daddy) to handle it. I have a feeling that the more you act as if your not upset with/ about her and her vulgar attacks the less power she will have over you and your marriage.
In the meantime talk to your husband and let him know that you have no intentions on coming between him and his daughter and that by telling her; she cant come around because of how shes treating you; hes basically forcing you to do that. Shes young and confused and probably hurt. Love on her.