Problems with in-laws?

Question

This is to all married (or not) women out there. I have two children and my husband's sister has two children also. My mother-in-law is CONSTANTLY critisizing, and my sister-in-law also, every little thing I do, because I don't do it the way they do it. These two are the most negative people I have ever met. My mother-in-law thinks that her daughter is the BEST, and somethimes compares me to her saying, well "she" does it this way.............My father-in-law never comes over to see my kids...who live 10 minutes away, but he'll drive 45 minutes to see his daughters kids. I am so tired of being treated like an outsider. I have been in this family for almost 20 years and I have always taken the crap to keep the peace for my husbands sake. Should I cut them out of our life and speak up for myself???? Should my kids have to pay the price? talking to them about it will only create hard feelings. My mother in law likes to criticize, but if it's done to her, she gets pissy. Need some advice.

Answer 1

Hang in there it will get better :)

Answer 2

Sounds to me like your husband has no backbone.

My mom and sister are the same way towards me and they are some of the most negative people I know. Of course, they don't see it that way.

All I can say is that you need to sit your MIL down and tell her that you really hate the constant criticism and want it to stop now. Then every time she criticizes, you interrupt her and say 'do not criticize me.' You've let her walk all over you all this time, I don't know if it will work. After a few visits like this, if there is no improvement, cut them out. They have no respect for you, just their opinions and it only hurts your kids in the long run.

People always say that they love their kids equally, but I can guarantee that is a lie for lots of families and it becomes obvious when they are adults.

Answer 3

I have this exact same problem. I personally have told the in-laws that whether I did things the same way they did or not.....they were still MY children. I have ALL say in how they are raised. I have not cut off all contact with them for the sake of my husband, but I also do not go out of my way to invite them over. The children will have hard feelings about them when they get older, but that's their own fault. Children are not stupid, they know what people do. Right now they may get their feelings hurt and all you can do is say, "I'm sorry, but I have no control over it." Hold them, love them, and pet them for now. When they get older, they'll know who the bad guy was.

You should speak up for yourself, but after you talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel and see if he can fix it first. If not, take matters into your own hands.

Your mother-in-law will probably be upset if anything is said to her, and she will deny it. She will probably talk about you behind your back, you just have to toughen up and not let it bother you. Once you have had your say, "Let go, and let God!" Because that's all you can do.

Answer 4

Are you sure you aren't talking about my in-laws??? It was a hard decision but we cut them out of our lives completely. I asked myself, "How will the children be affected?" And my answer was simple - they don't make any attempt to connect with the kids or even come to their birthday parties (the drive is a little over an hour) so what will my kids be missing. My in-laws are the most selfish, horrible people I know and my marriage was strengthened through our decision. However, before making our decision we discussed the problem with my in-laws. We let them know that all we were asking for was respect as people/parents but this was something they couldn't give. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Talk to hubby, see what he thinks...I think just leaving it alone or having your husband do the talking. Also, your kids as they get older will see them for what they are. My in-laws are the same way and when my mother-in-law comes into town I have plans and I'm busy because I never know when she'll come by. She does things with friends more than family and when she is over, she seems tired and very negative, rarely having anything good to say. She buys my kids things but doesn't spend time with them. My kids don't like to be with her as much and would rather be with they're other grandma who takes them to the library, reads to them, makes playdough, etc.

I would stand up for yourself to some degree, especially if she's critical, you can kindly disagree with her and yes she'll say things to you and behind your back because that's the way she is but ignore it and be kind...(for instance, my mother-in-law loves a nicely set table at EVERY meal, and critisized the way I set my table with ketchup bottle on it, etc. I told her that things need to be easy and that's how I like it. I only do formal on Easter and Christmas. She didn't like that and obviously it bugs her to eat with us, but she doesn't have to and I don't care!)

Definately don't change yourself to satisfy her, because you never will :)

Answer 6

I would just keep my distance. Its not like your new to the family so they aren't testing you. They obviously have a problem with you whatever it is. I have the same feeling about the inlaws sometimes. They live like 2 minutes away! They can be a real pain in the a** sometimes. I just talk to them when its necessary. If possible try finding something that you guys have in common and try finding a bond that way. Maybe she would lay off a bit. And if that fails maybe you'll be confident enough to say something to her about it without feeling uncomfortable about the confrontation.

Answer 7

I think you should go to your husband and explain to him what you have just said in your question. You are only human and can only take so much. Pretty soon what is going on will start to affect your children, because they are going to see that you are upset about it. I really think you should talk to your husband and see if he can fix the situation, and if not, you will have to tell them yourself, after all, you married your husband not the family, and it seems you have honestly tried to do your best to keep the peace.

Answer 8

For the sake of your children, bite your tongue, take everything they say with a grain of salt (or not), and know that your in-laws will love your children even if they don't love the way you do things. My grandmother-in-law is comparing me to her EX-daughter-in-law and doesn't like me but still loves my daughter. I just avoid being around her as much as possible and don't say much to her but still allow my daughter to spend time with her. I bite my tongue a lot and sometimes wish I could just scream out how I feel but what would it really accomplish. Good luck! I try to pray for people that upset me. Sometimes I'm gritting my teeth as I do it but it gets me past the raging phase. I think God understands and knows I'm trying.

Answer 9

Familiarity breeds contempt! That's why I like to keep them far away! We only see my inlaws on the holidays, and my family about once every one or two months..I talk to my fam on the phone more, but not with the in laws!

Answer 10

I had a problem with my in-laws. Not the same though. My husband and I confronted her together. I let him do most of the talking. it got resolved after a few days. godd luck.

Answer 11

it's always a common problem! think and if you think cutting them off from your life will make it easier for guys then go ahead. but first why dont you talk to them invite them for lunch or dinner in tell them your concern and tell you want them part of yourlife but you hate when you compare you to someone else tell every body is unique and different in so many ways. tell them that they are welcome to visit your kid but they need to stop critisizing you.