It's hard because he has aplogized and expects it all to be back to normal but his hateful words really cut deep and it's gross when he comes in for the kiss and more because I just don't want to be touched by him anymore right now. But then he will be irritated because he's not getting any... so what the eff?
2007-08-28 09:03:51 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You don't need him...get a vibrator, it doesn't talk back.
2007-08-28 09:08:51 · answer #1 · answered by catlady 6 · 0⤊ 5⤋
"he will be irritated because he's not getting any"
If that is true, he sounds like a jerk. Are you sure that's true?
Because that's no basis for a strong relationship or a strong marriage, when it's all about not irritating your husband by agreeing to have sex when you don't want to.
You deserve to be treated better than that. Why do you feel like you have to put up with that? Maybe when you can answer that question, you will begin to see that what you have is not a very good marriage.
Then you have two choices. Start talking to each other--really talking--as in, sit down and tell him you're still upset by his words and therefore you do not feel like being intimate with him. You will know, by his reaction, whether your marriage is worth salvaging. If he makes it all about his feelings and ignores yours, there is a problem there that might not be fixable.
You guys are in a really bad place, emotionally. It sounds like you never really talk to each other and that you have some ugly fights. Tho' we are just getting your side of the story, if he is truly as you describe, he is immature and self-centered and not a good prospect for long term happiness.
You may need outside counseling for him to see that he is being mean and selfish. If his father was like that, he may have developed habits he can never break--unless he really wants to.
I hope for your sake you can find the self-esteem within you to just tell him exactly how you feel and to not give in to sex unless you want it too. You have the right to find a good relationship with a mature man. This may not be it and it may be in your best interest to move on.
2007-08-28 16:14:49 · answer #2 · answered by grrluknow 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to explain to him that you need some time to get over what he said. That you understand he is sorry but his words were extremely painful. Then start slowly, explain that it will take some time and you will work on it together. As he is more caring and thoughful then you slowly start to become intimate again. I would also be clear you can not fight like that again, it's fine to discuss things but the say such hateful things is nothing short of emotional abuse. Don't stand for abuse of any kind. Perhaps you both could attend counseling and learn how to fight fairly. If you can't discuss things without hurting and destroying eachothers feelings there is a big problem. It will eventually undermine the relationship and destroy your intimacy and closeness permently. I would tell him he wouldn't speak that way to someone on the street he doesn't know so why would he say those things to his wife that he claims to love. You've got to learn to speak to eachother with love and respect even when fighting. If you don't it will be detremental to your marriage and neither one of you want that. Perhaps he is the type that lets things that bother him build up to a boiling point and then he loses control of his words? If that is the case counseling can help him with that, so he can express himself before he allows emotions to build up and explode with hateful words.
There are some great books out there on learning how to fight fair, I would look into it. As far as restoring intimacy work at it slowly. Let him know it's going to take some time, but don't hold out forever either. Don't use sex as a weapon or punishment.
2007-08-28 16:15:58 · answer #3 · answered by Wicked Good 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are caught in a vicious circle. What he said will never go away. Sometimes words cut so deep that we never really heal. If you really love this guy, then tell him that you need time and that he is going to have to work at this. In marriage, most people believe that each of you must give 50%. This is wrong...both must give 100% in order for it to work. If you tell him that it is going to take time because he really hurt you this time. You can tell by his reaction if he really loves you. If he gets mad and says that is the past. What the hell do you want out of me. Then you are headed for divorce...because this is going to happen over and over and it will escalate (meaning it will get worse each time) If he says. Honey I am so sorry, what can I do to help...Then tell him you want to get counciling....Which is what you need....I think that counciling should be mandatory before people are allowed to get married. Because there is no instruction manual....there should be...but everyone is different...the only thing we know about marriage is what we learned from our parents, who we all know had disfunctional relationships. I might ask. Are his parents divorced. If so, he will probably divorce you eventually. This is not always true...Same as if your parents are divorced. If so, you will more than likely leave him....If you really love this guy and want to make it work...go see a counciler or your preast....it will not fix itself....marriage is a lesson in compromise, it works both ways...no one gets their way all the time, if they do the partnership is weak.....it takes work...just like a bodybuilder...everyday....if you are not willing to work on it...save yourself the hassle and go ahead and leave him....sorry he hurt you, I hope you didn't hurt him too. Men can take allot more than women...just by nature...but that doesn't mean that they dont feel.....Good Luck, I wish you both the best.....sex is not the answer to a good relationship, once you get older, it will mean less and partnership will mean more.....
2007-08-28 16:22:24 · answer #4 · answered by drenchzgrinch 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Arguments happen - things get said, on both sides, that hurt - the thing is - grudges can't be held. If the argument itself was resolved, then you need to let go of the resentment of the comments - I seriously doubt you were an angel when it comes to what came out of your mouth either =) You know the saying - sticks & stones...
If the two of you do this regularly, say awful things to each other - then I suggest you get into marriage counseling & learn how to communicate during disagreements so it doesn't affect the rest of your relationship.
2007-08-28 16:11:12 · answer #5 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make sure that he understands the depth of how hurt you are. Then make him make it up to you. He needs to get the intimacy back, not you. If you give in & give him some befor you feel that he is really sorry, then he will never learn the lesson & will just repeat the same behavior.
Tell him what he has to do to make it up to you.
2007-08-28 16:14:02 · answer #6 · answered by shellysd 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell him not to kiss you because you have sore thoat and you don't want him to catch it. Maybe by tommorow you would have calmed down and forgotten some of the hateful things that he said. Just remember that he loves you and sometimes we say things just hurt each other when we are fighting. I'm sure he didn't mean all the things that he said. He just wanted to win the fight and he knows your sensitive spots
2007-08-28 16:11:01 · answer #7 · answered by kenyanamerican 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Write him a note about why the things he said hurt you so much. How it made you feel then and how it is still bothering you. Do not be accusatory--he has already apologized. But do let him know what you need in order to get past this.
You are married, time to grow up and solve things together.
2007-08-28 16:09:04 · answer #8 · answered by Rebecca W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is alot of power in forgiveness. But part of forgiveness is that you say to yourself that yes there were some bad things said, but there was probably some truth in them also. Then take a good hard look at what was said and try to see his point. Then you have to say to yourself that you love him, and want this to work. Not easy,but then you are not consumed by anger. Good luck.
2007-08-28 16:11:16 · answer #9 · answered by Qyllix 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him that until he really "gets" how much his hateful words hurt and upset you and how much they damaged the relationship, your hurt won't go away and he'll not get back into your good graces for intimacy. He hasn't gotten the message, so be firm and make it clear in no uncertain terms how much of a turd he was (and is).
2007-08-28 16:10:27 · answer #10 · answered by DelK 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you need to talk about what happened and WHY he called you those names. He can't take back what he said, but he can explain it and it might make you feel better - or even uncover a much deeper problem that needs to be worked on.
It sounds like you're just avoiding it right now - no wonder you feel bad still.
2007-08-28 16:09:55 · answer #11 · answered by Roland'sMommy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋