Both married, but in love with each other...?

Question

I met the absolute love of my life 22 years ago. We dated for two years, came close to marriage, but my immaturity at the time led to us splitting up. She married too quickly on the rebound within 5 months. We kept occasional contact with each other for the next 20 years. We are both married, each with two kids ages 14, 12, 9 and 9. My marriage isnt "miserable" but not all life should be. Hers is a little better, but neither of us are "in love" with our spouses. We still are deeply, madly in love with each other, and if not for the obvious circumstances surrounding our lives right now, we would not hesitate to reunite. This person and I share that special love...the fairy tale love. I have ached for her for 20 years, and she has for me also. We have made our current marriages "work" and like I said, it isn't "bad", just not what life should be or could be. This woman and I connect on a level that is simply amazing. We have always known we were the love of each others lives.

I appreciate the replies. We have seen each other several times over the last few months, but no sexual contact. We know the moral and religious wrongs of what we have done. Our kids weigh heavy in the equation as well as our spouses. We have been "found out" by our spouces and obviosly, hearts have been hurt. We know this is "wrong" for two married people to have done this...stayed in contact with each other. We know all relationships have ups and downs. We know the "newness" of romance can wear off etc...

We also "know" that our love is that special kind of love that only comes around once. It has never waivered for either of us in 20 years. She takes my breath away literally. We have cried over the loss of each other many, many times. We are literal soul mates, and we are both what makes the other "whole". We know we are "different" than we were 20 years ago, but we still know "exactly" who the other is. We are in the process of exchanging "goodbye" e-mails. This is complicated.

Answer 1

Maybe you would be in love with your wife if you would just let go of her. Stop licking and re opening the wound. Stop all contact with her NOW! Try actually paying attention to what you have, not what you could have had.

Answer 2

Dear one, First, it all depends on what you mean by "niece." Simply put, if you two are blood relatives - that is, that she is the child of your blood sibling, then there are serious issues that could prevent you two from marrying. Indeed, if she is the child of your blood sibling, your families would probably be horrified to learn of your secret love. However, some cultures traditionally call a close family friend "brother" or "sister." I strongly suspect that your lady love's father is a close friend of your own father and that is why you call her "niece." If this is so, then there is not only a possibility that you two could marry, but your respective blood families might even encourage it as a way to further cement the relationship already held by your respective parents. That said, there are further hurdles - the main point being is your ages. At 16 and 15 you both need to wait another 10 years before considering marriage. During that time you both need to get the best education you can afford and to grow both spiritually and emotionally into adults. However, you both can set the ground work for possible match by each admiring the other to your parents. "She (or he) is an awfully nice girl/boy. Intelligent, beautiful/handsome, faithful, and from a good family. Why you and his/her father are close personal friends! I hope that someday I will be able to find as fine a spouse as he or she has the potential to be..." Things like that could put a bee in their bonnets and perhaps get your parents to thinking that a match between you two would be a good idea. but any wedding still should be no less than 10 years into the future - after college and careers.

Answer 3

Would your spouse consider open marriage? That is, you stay together but are allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends discreetly on the side? Perhaps she's feeling the same way about someone else..

Personally, if your marriage is tolerable I don;t see anything wrong with staying together for the children. Several people here have called you selfish but selfish would be leaving an okay marriage and the kids for your true love. Staying makes you SELFLESS.

If you feel you have the willpower then tell yourself you won't leave your wife NO MATTER WHAT but engage in a very close friendship with your ex. Not all affairs are harmful to a marriage, it depends on the person and the boundaries you set for yourself. Good Luck.

Answer 4

I think you both would be selfish to your spouses and children to just think about how you both feel. Sometimes life doesn't work out the way you want it to. You made a mistake 20 years ago, and she moved on, and so did you. Nothing good would come if this you both decided to break up your homes and be together.
Nostalgia always seems better than life in the moment. Both of you have spouses and life has become routine. It just seems like you both would be better because it is new and more exciting. But 20 years have past and whether or not you realize it you both have changed. It's just the dream of "what could have been" that seems appealing. If you two were really meant to be, it would have happened that way 20 years ago without having to destroy your spouses and your children to be together.

Answer 5

I have to wonder if you are actually as in love with her as you may think. Often times, we think our current situation is worse than it is becasue something else seems better from the outside. Many times, our past has a better memory than a reality. My suggestion to you is simple:
1-both of you divorce your current spouse and get together and see if it is really as great as you think it might be, all the while losing the person you are currently with for good (try to remember why you married them in the first place, love is not a 'fairy tale' and it goes through days, months,and sometimes years with dry patches, weak areas, and boredom, but normaly this will eventually resolve and your happiness and contentment with your loved one will return-that is unless there is someone else who you are 'longing' for, or overly thinking about how different things would be with this other person, and how great everything would be. This type of situation only hinders the natural cycles in your marriage from going back to the good/happy/fulfilled side)
2- Completely break off the 'relationship' with your friend, although you may think it is just a friendship, you two have too much history to be just friends. In my personal opinion, if you try to maintain a friendship with this other woman, you are asking for trouble...eventually you two will become weak and succumb to your lustful desires, thinking they are truly what you want and need, when in actuality you are just looking for that initial spark and excitement a new relationship and love.
Remember this, you have a wife and children, she has a husband and children, do you really want to put so much at risk to see what may happen with 'the other woman' (because that is exactly what she is, even if you haven't yet crossed 'that line', she is still the other woman...) If you decide to take the first choice, you will never again be able to change it back if things do not work out like you think. Many times, we think this other person could be the answer to all of our problems, and unhappiness, when in reality, they are not and it ends in failure and regret.
I really hope you find the answer you are looking for, just don't rush into anything. Think of your wife and children. How would your wife feel if she knew you were thinking of leaving her not because you were miserable, but becuase you wanted something new. How would you feel is the roles were reversed? It is easy to say you have thought about it from her point of view, but have you really? Good luck, and God bless you as you struggle with this decision. Do what will make you happy, but be careful not to destroy everything you have done over the last 20 years. You have put a lot into your marriage over the course of 20 years, and we often become lazy because we don't challnge ourselves to be a great husband of wife, try focusing on you and your wife, I'm not talking about taking a vacation, that never fixes things, but try to be more attentive and loving, see how things turn out.

Answer 6

This situation is way too complicated....

I mean if there is some "happieness" in both of your marraiges, then I would stick with your marriage...going to your wife and asking for a divorce becuase you are in love with a person you had relations with 22 years ago would not only crush her, but would maybe end things on a very bad note...if you and your wife "mutally" decide to get a divorce, you will always remain civil friends, especially with kids involved, its hard.

Cheating isn't the answer so unless you haven't done so don't do it...or stop it if it is going on...we always think of that first love of our lives and wonder why it didn't work or look back and say, "What the hell was I thinking?" Then we move on.

Please try and get passed the feelings you have for one another and try to remain friends if you want, but it may be best to let go of the past....good luck.

Answer 7

Are you asking if you should leave your wife? Sounds like both of you are going to stay in your marriages. I think in life we all make choices. There's something about human nature that makes us desire what we can't have. I think the two of you probably have strong feelings for each other and your involvement with other people make your connection that much stronger. I think the fairy tale love is rare but does happen and it is simply incredible when two people find it. However, you have a choice - you can do what makes you happy or you can honor your commitment to your wife. Either way it's up to you to figure out what's more important. Good luck!

Answer 8

You shared a special love 22 years ago. She isn't the same person she was. You aren't the same person you were. You're overly romanticizing the past. It doesn't apply to today.

There's no reason for you to believe that the two people you are today would be any better together than you are with your current spouses.

You're yearning for each other because you think the grass is greener on the other side. Maybe if you would spend as much emotional capital on your wife as you do this illusion then you may just find you have it better than you think.

The fairy tale love you feel for is a fairy tale. Close the book.

Answer 9

I sympathize with you John, but you need to honor your commitment to God and to your wife and family. Does your wife know about your relationship history with this woman? It might be mixing oil with water, but perhaps the four of you can hang out as couple friends. I'd be hard pressed to tell someone to throw away or forget about a relationship with anyone, especially one where you connect on so many levels with the other person.

But above all else, you chose to marry your wife. Honor that commitment. Divorce is an ugly thing, and you don't want to let your kids know that divorce is okay too.

Put your time and energy into focusing on your relationship with your wife. I read a book that discussed the relationship with Johnny Cash and June Carter...they maintained their love after so many years because they realized that the other person was like an onion, there are several layers to peel away in getting to know another person. Continue that with your wife.

And I also just realized that your situation is exactly the same as John and June's...both married to other people but in love with someone else. So I have no idea about what point I'm trying to make because I just contradicted everything I said. They ended up quite happy together.

God will forgive whatever decision you end up making, but I hope you find peace and happiness with whatever decision you make.

Answer 10

I am living the exact same thing ( for a moment I thought it was him writing for an answer) I know that unconditional, genuine, pure love and we have found it 22 years ago. I told him I would wait another 22 if I had to...Obviously, for reasons not known yet, you were meant to also live other experiences with other people as hurt would never be inflicted by either one of you...you respect esch other too much...

See the good of all this, even though the longing for your love will never go away. Trust that for now, it must be this way and that this is just another proof of your love for one another...

Good luck my friend, and as my soulmate told me again a couple of days ago: Hang in there, I promise we will be together...

Answer 11

A few weeks ago i would have agreed with you...but having the idea of being in love with one another sometimes is just the idea...and once you are with her...all the fantasies about having a better life can be the other way around...move on with your life and let your wife be apart of your other world...I am in love with someone else I thought felt the same way...as soon as we became a couple all his fantasies about us started to dissolve to the point that we ended up hurting one another...both our relationship suffered. Where are we now? I am close to separating from my husband, he is going through divorce...are we together? Not anymore. So think about it!!!