Is it Truly Over With Her?

Question

Recently, my fiance called off our engagement because she joined AA, (alcoholics anonymous), and thought it wasn't going to work out because I still occasionally drank. I explained to her that I was going to quit completely and that I would not harbor any resentment towards her because she's the most important person to me and I would do anything for her. She didn't believe me. Her sponsor told her our relationship wouldn't work and it's not fair because that sponsor has never met me or know anything about me. The breakup was done over the phone and I don't feel like I have true closure. It's been a week and she hadn't made arrangements with me to give back the ring. So, not to sound stupid but is there still some sort of chance to work things out? Is this her way of really just needing space to get through this time? And am I foolish to take her back based on how things happened if she does want to work it out? I would take her in a heart beat. Thank you all for any insight on this.

Answer 1

She is probably scared to tell you the truth...she's seeing another man and deflecting your anger towards AA or her unknown sponsor...how convenient...if I'm right give me best answer and dump her like yesterdays news...tell her to keep the ring too...but, if she gives it back keep it.

Answer 2

Ok..I spent a year in AA. Now, I'm not. I have kinda learned how not to drink and drive. Anyhow, the chances of her relapsing are huge. She has a 15% success rate right now. She is going through stuff, and since you only drink occasionaly, it could work. The problem is that when you go to treatment, and AA, they tell you to treat your sponsor like a God. Right now, anything her sponsor tells her to do-she will. And they say not to make any big changes in the first couple years. I think that there is a chance, because after she's into it for awhile, she will start making her OWN decisions. Trust me, it happens to everyone. If I were you, I'd wait for her, but keep options open. She may not be the person you love-her friends will change, her activities will too. It could go alot of different ways. If you want to be with her, stop drinking now. Any sign that you still do will put her off. Also-alot of sponsors are quacks-don't tell her that though. She'll figure it out on her own. Plus-she will most likely change sponsors. Most people do, to find one that they like better, its common. I think that there is a chance, just give her some space and support her when you can. Try AL-ANON-and let her know that you did. Its a group for friends/family/spouses of alcoholics. That will speak volumes. Hope this helps

Answer 3

There is always a chance to work things out, but you should give her every chance to get a healthy sobriety going. And if that includes not being engaged, take her word for it. Put the ring in a safe deposit box.

I see a couple of hostile comments have been made here about sponsors. There are great sponsors, decent sponsors and not so good ones (it's not as if they're given special training, but they HAVE learned to live without taking a drink, which puts them one up on the newcomer), but in very early sobriety a tough sponsor may be better than none at all. She can't do this alone, not if she's an alcoholic.

What S.D. said is entirely correct. This woman has to concentrate solely on herself right now. If you've never been an alcoholic in early recovery you can't imagine what it's like. It can be a very confusing time. She needs to take this time, and if you love her you'll give it to her. (Also, you have no choice, do you?) Her first year should be as simple as she can possibly make it. A lot of people suggest that a newcomer make no major changes in the first year, simply because change brings with it new stresses, and stress can make an alcoholic want to drink.

You should check out Al-Anon. There are really nice people there (don't imagine it's a bunch of people complaining about the alcolholic in their lives - those people are there if you look for them, but seek out the positive people there). And also go to open AA meetings. You probably shouldn't go to discussion meetings so she won't feel free to talk, but open speaker meetings are a good choice.

Just go with the flow. She needs this chance. Don't make it harder. And btw, there are many happy marriages where one of the partners is in recovery.

Answer 4

Why did she want to break the engagement in the first place? Is it because of some handsome hunk of a sponsor's counsel that the relationship is not going to work?

Personally, I think the sponsor has stolen your flame with the stupid excuse of an ocassional drink. Time to do some fact finding on your part, what is it about this sponsor who has such a magnetic pull on your fiancee? If your fiancee is so gulible to the coaxing of another person, what would happen if you did really married your fiancee and then have her being swept away by someone else? This would certainly create a bigger problem!

My advice, she is not worth fighting for. If I were you, I would break off the engagement and retrieve back the ring. The next thing would be to recuperate emotionally before seeking another lady who is more responsible and mindful of her engagement to you.

Answer 5

Yes. There is a good chance it will work out if you can give her the personal space she needs right now. Her sponsor sounds like an idiot (remember, her sponsor is in recovery too and these people have made a lot of mistakes too!) and shouldn't be making relationship decisions for her.
I would suggest you attend an AL ANON meeting which will help you understand what she is going through and how you can cope with it. Given some time and sobriety, she will be blossoming back into the person she is suppose to be (minus the alcohol dependency). Send her some flowers (I recommend organicbouquet.com) and let her know that you support her efforts and you'd like to be in her life again, when she feels she is ready for a relationship.
Don't take it personal, recovery is a personal and difficult decision.
Good luck to you.

Answer 6

She is starting a very long and intense process of trying to get past her addiction. The best way for her to do that is to be out of situations where she will be tempted to fall back into her old behavior. Even an occasional drink can be detrimental to a recovering alcoholic. Your "occasional" drink could jeopardize her progress.

Have you considered going to AA with her or joining Al-Anon? Could you maybe talk with her sponsor and see how you can help her? That would be a way to show her that you are serious. A word of caution, however... don't do it if you're not going to be committed to it. You have to want to do it for yourself, not for someone else.

I can't say how things will work out. If nothing else, she should give back the ring.

Good luck

Answer 7

This is a regrettable side effect of AA. The "sponsors" think they know everything, when in fact they DO NOT.

If you're serious about getting your girl back, the FIRST thing you need to do is to stop drinking all together.

Next, go to her next AA meeting, and just observe. When it comes time for you to speak, explain exactly what is going on, and that you have quit drinking FOR HER.
It may garner some sympathy from the rest of the group, and it will show your girl and her jailer that you're serious about doing anything and everything to be a couple and that you really do love her.

DO NOT however use this as an opportunity to confront or even speak to her. Just go to the meetings and be there....and BE SOBER. She'll get the message, and in a way, you'll be "proving" yourself to the jailer as well.

Answer 8

Go to her AA meeting with her. Get a sponsor yourself. Do the program. Give up drinking yourself.
Either that or put this all behind you, let her have the ring (she doesn't have to give it back) and move on with your life with its occasional drinking. Nothing wrong with that.
She's trying to do something incredibly difficult. And it sounds like you are treating giving up alcohol like someone giving up chocolates. 'Yeah, yeah, I'll stop if you need me to. ' I haven't yet met anyone who could really stop drinking unless they had firm resolve and you are thinking this is a simple matter and a no-brainer. It's not. No wonder she doesn't believe you. You don't appreciate the gravity of the situation.
Since she doesn't trust you in this matter, she's decided to save herself in this situation and put her survival above the survival of the relationship. It's a life saving decision - her life. So let her do it or at least face the importance of this and show your appreciation when you sincerely appreciate the risks involved.

Answer 9

She has to work on her own problems and drinking issues before she will be ready to have a serious comitment, in AA they don't think your ready for a "real" relationship until after you finish the program and are sober for atleast a year or so. Keep the lines of communication open and let her know that you are serious about quitting drinking or doing whatever it takes to keep her in your life and you will need to give her some space.

Answer 10

Truly you want it to be over. Alcoholics in there first year of recovering have a tend to fall the reason is because of partner's that still drink. I'm married to one and believe me you should be glad that she dumped you. I say this because my husband was an recovering addict and he's back drinking again. I'm miserable and you don't want that in your life. There most be a real problem with her to take this step. Give her some space. And see what happens.