Is this the "For Worse" part of your vows?

Question

I try so hard to make my marriage work, read my other posts thats proof. The thing is when my husband and I are happy we are happy. that is until he doesn't get his way. I work full time and attend school full time. He works one full-time job thats is "Come-in as you please" based. Saturdays I get b*tched at for sleeping in. Sometimes during the week he will go through a half-as* cleaning frenzy and kind of push around the dirt. I come home at 10 be with my daughter, CLEAN my house, do laundry and occasionally cook dinner. Everything we do is on his terms. Even when we fight. Its always his fault and he will come apologizing telling me he is so stupid and sorry. But besides the fact that he keeps apologizing its reoccuring, ALL THE TIME, he says mean things when we fight and I get worked up. he's told me he pushes my buttons on purpose. (Wait for additonal details please)

He pushes my buttons by insulting me and calling me names. THEN when he finalyl gets a rise out of me he calls me crazy for getting upset, a psycho. THAT pushes me EVEN FARTHER. Then I took a new route. Just letting things be, maybe he will change on his won without me constantly nagging him. Boy was I wrong. Yesterday I came home at 10 after my daily routine of school and work. My daughter who is sick and was told to be in bed my nine was wide awake with a fever, not even in her pajama. the trash (10 BAGS worth) had not been taken out. I took out the trash, moved our cars, gave my daughter a bath, washed the dishes, and cleaned the ktichen while he just sat there and watched becuase we had just fought about my daughter being awake. Now he tells me "marriage takes work, I can't read your mind". How many times am I supposed to tell him what pisses me off? And YES marriage DOES take work but you have to start yhe changing process so it CAN work. I am not perfect but I try.

Is this the for better or worse part? Becuase I can't take this. Marriage isn't a get out of jail free card that allows you to act however you want until you FEEL like it. I am all for working things out, but if he can't START chanigng now, will he ever?

SO SORRY FOR THIS LENGTH!!! Thanks for those who read it!

For the smart as* about the garbage bags. GARBAGE DAY IS ONCE A WEEK. therefiore the ten bags of trash was from the grass being cut and the leaves being raked and the bags from teh house itself. THATS WHAT I MEAN...some people I SWEAR.

Answer 1

haha wait so WHY are you with this guy? didnt you say you have a daughter? if hes mentally abusing you thats only steps away from physical abuse if he hasnt done so already and people who physically and mentally abuse others are mentally incapacitated to a point and unstable. and you are putting yourself and your daughter in an unstable environment which isnt right as a parent or as a person who values themselves. why would you even want to give your daughter that view of her father? how old is she? hopefully not old enough to witness this mess. no offense but what you have is not a marriage i have been married to my wife for 15 years we have had our problems but what you are describing is not a problem its a lifestyle you live in a constant stressful and disrespectful lifestyle. I would never let me wife come home after school and work to have her clean cook and take care of our daughter and son by herself what kind of family is that what kind of man is that? if you love your daughter and yourself which i can tell you do or you wouldnt be putting forth the effort that you should put her in that kind of environment. as a criminal prosecutor i always hear women who are abused physically and mentally say that they havent left their husbands because they love them and they want them to change but darlin they never change your husband obviously isnt an exception or he would have changed already so its up to you do something about it or quit complaining and live with it because from experience those are youre only two options especially if hes already had other opportunities to . Also watch out because if hes really insulting you and putting your down they way he is he will eventually end up physically abusing you and THAT should be the last straw, if he ever hits you the minute he hits you hes telling you youre lifes not worth jack and therefore doesnt truly love you.

Answer 2

First of all, forget the "leaving" part. Divorce is too common these days, becuase people don't stand up - they give up. From your question/post, it sounds like you've been married long enough to know "when it's good, it's very good, when it's bad it's horrid." Yes, this is the "for worse" part. But don't lose hope, it's not all bad yet.

From the juvinile behavior of your husband, it sounds like he's "acting out" like a child to get your attention. The fits, the "pushing your buttons", the pouting. It seems like between your work, school, and house duties, he's feeling left out. (DON'T get me wrong, I'm not faulting YOU.) When you described your day, it seems like there's not much "you" time or even "you and him" time. In a perfect world, we could all afford a housekeeper and a nanny. I also gathered that when he "thinks" he's helping, he gets negative feedback on the job he did (i.e. pushing the dirt around). That creates an attitude of -if I can't do it right, I won't do it at all-. My husband does this. I usually thank him profusely and do it over or fix it later. Your statement gave me a clue - "I come home to be with my daughter." Very important....but you didn't say anything about seeing your husband.

As far as the lack of communication and emotional connection, there are a few things you can do to jump start an improvement on his part as well as yours. Write down a list (long or short, short is better) of things you need from him that you aren't getting or you need him to do. Tell him you want to make your home a happy place where you can all live and want to be. Give him easy jobs (ask, don't tell or order)-- unload the dishwasher or load it, sort the mail, wipe the coffee table, pick up dirty dishes, etc. Small things that will make it easier to for you to do a thurogh cleaning when you get a chance. Write another list for emotional needs. (i.e.: I need from you: 1) a happy welcome when I get home 2) affectionate hugs/kisses/back rub/ when we can't make time for us to be physical without the pressure of lovemaking 3) understanding that our time can't be quantitiy, so we need to make it quality for the short time we do have, etc.) Sometimes men just need to have it spelled out - they don't think like us, and never will. Simplify it for him and you might get better results. The fact that he picks fights to get your attention and then freaks out when you blow your stack is a sure sign he's feeling neglected. You are as well. Learn to let little stuff go, and keep your eye on the big picture of raising your daughter as loving parents. Surely you don't want her to think your present situation is normal and acceptable.

You can do it, and I know you want to. Positivity can change the worst situation. When you argue, attack the problem, not the person, the blame game is easy to play, but never solves anything. You can do it, your family is worth it!

Answer 3

Unfortunately you can't change someone who isn't willing to change. I think men sometimes use the words "I'm Sorry" because they know thats what we want to hear. He needs to support you in your efforts of furthering yourself with school. This daily routine is not a forever thing. Eventually you will be done with school, have a higher paying job etc which will all benefit your family. Including him. Men sometimes can't see tht far into the future and live in the here and now. But communication is the key. Tell him how you are feeling and what you feel like when he attacks you and calls you names. Help him to understand that this hard time in both of your lives is just a temporary thing that you both need to work at. And make compromises, He does the housework during the weeknights and you m ay have to sacrifice (for now) your sleepingin on Saturdays to do your share of the housework. Do whatever works for the both of you. Good luck sweetie you can work it out!

Answer 4

my guess is he will never change i will tell you that switching roles is not an easy thing to do as of jan i have been a stayy at home dad due to layoffs not by choice either id rather be working but it is unfair to you that you work plus school then he makes you clean too if he cant help i suggest you clean house and find a man that can actually put an effort towards you just remember if you set the example and he ignores it its likely itll stay like that the rest of your marriage but be careful make sure you have total control of your emotions and if he tries to push buttons and it doesnt work hes gonna look like a you know what so at the end youve not done anything but if he pushes on purpose find a man that loves and cares on purpose not fights

Answer 5

Hon, you are married to a control freak, plain and simple. I know because I'm married to one, too. The fact that he pushes your buttons knowingly tells me that much, along with the fact that he tries to control everything right down to how late you sleep. Mine does the same thing, and he admits it.

I've been married to the same man for over 30 years now, and it all comes down to picking and choosing your battles. (Having a tough hide or developing one will help, too.) Choose the issues that upset you the most, and refuse to compromise on them. He will buck and kick like a horse with a burr up its saddle, but once he sees that you mean business and aren't giving in, chances are good that he will back off.

Another thing: if he won't go with you to marriage counseling, get some for yourself. Living with a control freak or deciding to cut him loose will take its emotional and mental toll on you. You need a good support network in place, no matter what you decide to do.

My husband has been through counseling because his job mandated it after he fouled up big-time. He has changed and is a little more flexible, but there are still plenty of times when he's not easy to live with. I made the decision to stay, so whatever comes down the pike, it was my choice to stay with this guy.

Having said that, I would urge you to consider all your options and make the best possible choice for your AND your daughter. He *may* get better, and then again, he may not, but you have to think about how his behavior is affecting her, too. You have to decide what you can live with and how much you can handle, then plan your life accordingly.

The best of everything to you, no matter how you decide.

Answer 6

Maybe what you are really asking is if you should stay with this guy or not. That decision is up to you. You have a life ahead of you and enough ambition to go for it. Maybe a marriage counselor would help. You are certainly not dependent on him for your support and that is not something a lot of women can say. You have some major life decisions to make and Yahoo probably isn't the best source for that although you might get a few ideas. Good luck!

Answer 7

hi

Nope, the "for worse" part is usually when a partner gets sick, or something bad happens to them, then to remain there for that person, as you would like done for you.

Further, the "for worse" part is commitment to each other. This guy does not seem committed to being a team player. Not all persons are team players, but it sure makes life a helluva lot easier if TWO take care of things, instead of one.

Ok, so now your trust in him has probably taken a serious dip. What to do? Honestly, sounds to me like you two are having compatibility issues. I think, incompatibilities usually drive people apart.

Either the two of you find a way to curb your tongues, or save it for the divorce court. All this fighting you're talking about is the genuinely bad sign and can't be good for your daughter either.

You have to get him to accept his share of the chores and duties. If he is not willing to, or refuses to do them according to the standard you BOTH agreed to, then there really is a huge problem.

What I'd suggest you do is: NEGOTIATE. Tell him how you feel, and what is going to happen if he name calls you. So, when he does, make sure it happens as you told him..every time.

Keep the viciousness out of it, and act like an adult (in control of yourself) and reserve the right not to communicate with him if he cannot communicate with you respectfully, and like an adult instead of an insolent person. Maybe he is capable of getting THAT one right. If he refuses to show respect to you and your joint home?...well...that's another story altogether.

Good luck.

Answer 8

This is worse than the "for worse" part. You are the one doing all the work. Not just housework and caring for the child work, but the work it takes to keep a marriage together. He needs to work at it as well. He seams very unwilling to put in his fair share of the load. This is what I would do, take it as you will. Write down every house chore. Split it in 2. Give him his list of things he needs to do. I would also stop washing his clothes if he can't at least get them in the dirty hamper. Tell him you expect him to start working on the marriage with you or else you are outta there.

Answer 9

I would suggest counseling to your husband. If he refuses, go by yourself. I know, you don't have time, but just once a week for an hour?
Maybe you can make a cleaning chart for the whole family.
Sit down and decide who is going to do what for the week, let your daughter help, 10 is plenty old enough to have chores.
Tell your husband in no uncertain terms, that you expect him to help and if he continues to behave this way, you will leave.
Since you are already doing everything yourself, it won't be that much harder, right?
Your husband sounds like a child who is looking for attention.

Answer 10

Abuse is not the "for worse" part of vows. For worse means you will go through tough times, loss of job, etc., but not a lifestyle. Have you considered counseling and will he be willing to go? That's the first thing I would try. Next, unfortunately some men do need to be told everything you want or need from them. Do it lovingly, leave notes, ask don't demand. Hopefully he will start doing his share and act like a real husband and father. Good luck.

God Bless.