Sexually frustrated!!! I'm not sure if my husband is lazy or selfish or what. I initiate sex about 75% of the

Question

time & it's making me feel very insecure. Our sex drives seem to be equally matched. We have sex almost every night with very few exceptions. When we go to bed, he will lay there & hold me but will wait for me to start the foreplay. If I don't he will say "I guess your not in the mood" or something along those lines. I kiss him, I give him oral (everytime) & I'm usually on top. I tell him over & over that I love to be kissed too & I certainly love oral & he knows my favorite position is man on top. What is the deal? Is it because he knows that I love sex so much that he doesn't have to put any effort into it or is he just a selfish lover. Last week I vowed to wait for him to initiate sex & guess what, after 4 days I finally got tired of waiting so I initiated it again. This is our only issue. He is a wonderful man & treats me better than any man ever has. He keeps telling me that he can't keep up with me (he's 44, I'm 40) & worries that I will leave because I'm not sexually satisfied.

I have discussed this with him and he says he will try to work on it. I don't want to keep bringing it up though because I don't want to hurt him or constantly criticize him or always bring up the negative. I feel that this will just add pressure and make the situation worse.

I have NEVER turned him down for sex and I don't use sex for leverage or as a "weapon"!!!

Answer 1

At first, I thought he didn't want rejection, but you need to hold out longer to force him.

Or, you could talk how you would prefer he comes to you first

Answer 2

Sounds like he might be a little intimidated by you. He doesn't want to initiate sex because it might be the one time your not in the mood, he lets you take the lead during sex because he figures you will get what you want. So maybe he isn't a lazy inconsiderate lover, but a too cautious, overly considerate lover.

So try telling him what you want, slowly, don't want to overwhelm the poor guy. Give him back the power in the bedroom. Ask him for oral, and make sure he knows how much you enjoyed it. Ask him to be on top, or actually put him there, once again, make sure he knows how much you enjoyed it. Once he thinks and knows he is satisfying you his self esteem will go up, and he will continue to want to please. As far as the initiating, if after youve done the above he might turn more "manly" about it all and just start reaching for you. If not tell him that it would make you feel really good and wanted if he initiated once in a while. You might have to assure him that you will never do it if your not in the mood, you will always be honest about that, but you need to feel wanted by him.

Answer 3

Get him to a doctor and have him checked out. Your husband is entering middle age and he's probably noticing that he's no longer the young guy at work, or any place else. Men go through this midlife stuff pretty hard and you need to be smart or you will lose this wonderful man.

A woman's sexual needs are not the same as a man's and women peak around the age you are now, and frankly he peaked years ago. I think you need to stop demanding and start getting creative, what you are doing sounds really boring. Get into some fantasy's, do some role playing, have sex someplace and some time else. Get some sex toys and enjoy some dirty movies. Sex isn't just about the physical act, there needs to be some head play going on.

Answer 4

Honestly I'd say his sex drive is just a bit less than yours. I had a long term relationship with a guy like that - he always made comments about me "raping" him, and how he couldn't keep up with me. Sometimes he'd pretend to be asleep!! Actually, in some ways, it was nice to be the one in control. But then again I can see how frustrating it must be for you. Tell him not to worry, tell him you love having sex with him. Then tell him what would really turn you on and keep you satisfied is for him to initiate things...to give you oral, whatever it is you want. And can I say you are a DREAM wife giving him oral all the time :)

Be careful what you wish for though - I ended up marrying a guy with the world's highest sex drive. 2 kids and no sleep later, I don't feel in the mood every night but he is always keen! Sometimes I wish he'd just cuddle me and go to sleep.

I hope you can work this out, sounds like you have a great relationship apart from this issue.

Answer 5

He sounds lazy to me. I had the same problem with my guy and all I did was tell him that I was tired of initiating all the time. I also said that I'd like some form of foreplay because once we get started, he'd zoom right to 3rd base and then on to home plate.

I told him I wouldn't do anything more with him until he learned how to give as well as he was given and since then, his performances have been quite amazing.

Every guy is different though, so just try to gauge his mood before approaching him on his performance in bed because a lot of guys are touchy about this subject for some reason. If I was unsatisfactory in bed, I'd want to know how I could improve. Good luck!

Answer 6

Wow. I thought I was the only one with this problem. LOL
I'm 35 and my man is 38 not a big age difference. He once told me that he knew alot of girls that liked sex but not as much as I do. LOL
Once I waited for him to initiate sex and I waited almost a week until I gave in and had to start. What's up with these men of ours. He is great in bed when we are together that is for sure. But I too always seem like I'm the one that has to initiate making love. You're not alone. I'm sure there are a few of us out here!

Answer 7

Your hubby sounds to love you very much and is concerned with pleasing you, but somehow the role of initiator has changed. For some reason your husband feels not in control of the sexual relationship between the both of you. His image is that you are the one in control and so inwardly he has surrendered his control over to you. You need to understand, men feel more comfortable being in control when it comes to sex. He somehow feels intimidated with you. Also, could be he is finding it hard to keep up with you and finds relief in any break in the everyday schedule you have him on. Try not making it such an issue and give him some of his power back. In other words, if you make too much of an issue, he just might be experiencing feelings of resentment towards the sexual times you do spend together, this could be the reason why he avoids initiating sex with you or pleasing you. Sex is about enjoying each other and providing pleasure to one another, it is also supposed to be expressions of love and affection. You need to fix this even if you both seek professional help or I am afraid your husband will learn to withdraw from you all together. Best of luck to you!

Answer 8

actually it sounds like your sex drives are not equally matched. Its not a bad thing for him not to be in the mood every single night, or perhaps he has become so used to you being the one to initiate it that he doesnt know that he is upsetting you because maybe he thinks you enjoy initiating sex more. Speak up and tell him that you think it would be hot and really excite you if he initiated sex more often, also when you are being intamate dont get on top...just roll over and grab him and tell him you want it like this or that this time, after you give him oral for a bit tell him you would love it if he returned the favor because it would really turn you on. If this is your only issue cosider yourself lucky and just speak up more, women sometimes expect men to read their minds and just assume they know what we need or want but in reality they dont so just let him know and have fun!

Answer 9

i usually initiate as well. it could be a few things at play.

1) perhaps you initiated and were very aggressive in the beginning and that has become the pattern.
2) perhaps he is trying to be considerate and only have sex when you are in the mood. maybe he would feel is he pressuring you otherwise.
3) perhaps he just isn't a very assertive person in general. this is the case with my husband.

he is wonderful and successful, but he isn't really a leader outside of the workplace. he leads there because he is a hardworker. but he woudl prefer to contribute to a situation rather than stand out as the leader. he is very "go with the flow", which is great since i am sometimes hyper or moody or playful. his laid back attitude comes in handy in dealing with my moods. this same "go with the flow" personality trait is also present in his not initiating sex. he is happy to oblige if i am in the mood, but he doesn't often step forward as the leader.

Answer 10

Do not feel insecure about this. No need to judge your husband, he might be selfish, but so what? You should talk to him, say that you think it is always you initiating and it is making you uncomfortable. Usually communication is the best method. If that doesn't work you can get yourself some toys and show him that if he isn't going to participate, you don't need him to. He might think it is hot or something like that and be more intrigued to do what he knows you like.

This is a very upsetting topic, I understand, however, you have to talk to him and see how he is feeling about the subject. Once you know that, you can probably get to the root of the problem and fix it.

Good luck.

Answer 11

His age may have a lot to do with it. He is 44 and if you are wanting it every night, then he may be very truthful in that he can not keep up. Do a little research for foods and such that will naturally increase his libido. If he is not on a good multi-vitamin, get him one. Also, stress is a killer for sex drive, so if there is stress in his job or something like that, it will have that effect as well. Women tend to peak twice in life sexually and you sound like you are into your second peak. Don't feel insecure or take it personal, it is a very natural process and many times it can be reversed with a good diet, exercise and nutrition.