Giving up friends once your married?

Question

My husband and i have been married almost 3 yrs this comming month.We met and started dating when i was 19 still in college and he was 22 already graduated from college with plans to go for his masters or start his own business. When we first met he bailed me out of a fake ID situation and then asked for my number so i would feel obligated to give it.Well it turns out we were almost polar opposites personality wise(i'm low key vs.his out going) but had very similar vaules ,goals, and morals.Well now i am 27 yrs married with 2 great kids ages 5.5 and 2 with a loving husband but my best friend does not get why i cant go out with her all the time?Most of our friends are beginning to settle down so you would think she would get it but no?All she can be is angry and vent?

What can i do?I have been friends with her since highschool?Also my hubby is not fond of her at all.

I still enjoy hanging out with her i just dont feel comfortable going clubbing with her which is her fortay

Answer 1

I don't blame your husband, this is not someone you should be friends with. You are a wife and a mother, and you have responsibility to your husband and children to present yourself so. If she cannot be satisfied with the occasional lunch date, then you need to tell her that you are not available.

You know everyone moves on, and it sounds like this girl is not in the same place that you are in life. While that's fine for her life, she can't change that you have moved on. Be nice to her if you can, but distance yourself. Don't take her calls and don't return hers right away. Tell her when you are available, for coffee or lunch and if that isn't ok with her, then tell her that you are sorry and to call you when she is available for that.

You aren't a bad person for growing in a different way than she did, don't feel bad about that, it will happen many times in your life.

Answer 2

By your statement, "all the time" if that's to mean 7days a week or just feels like it then you need to talk to her. Not much of a conversation until your done. I'm not a female and you guys have some strange ways of dealing with each other but she does need to get with the program that your life with a husband, children, your own alone time your focus can not be on giving her ATTENTION SHE'S CRAVING. Friends since high school doesn't mean YOU have to let that title be the bond you can't break. It's UNFAIR to what you NOW consider priority, important, precedent and in good judgment. Your not the first and you won't be the last woman to have to tell her friend or cut her friend off from spending time with you in person or on the phone. Others have had to do it you from all looks will to. It's tough it hurts but it must somehow (your way) be done. If she can as they say "get the hint" and not be angry or vent you have escaped the pain of breaking it off. If not as the book I read long ago said, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". Wish you the best in this and hopefully still a friendship intact.

Answer 3

Well first of all, she should understand that your husband and kids come first, and then second is your responsibilities to your family, like work or SAHM. If she can't understand that you have taken a partner in this life and have children, then shes not a very good friend. A good friend would be there to talk and comfort you, to go out and be silly with when you needed and know to back off before you ruin either relationship. You are married now with responsibilities, so dare I say it? Grow up and start acting like it. You're 27, and you're acting like you just hit 21 and want to go out with your girls? That is understandable once in a while, but not all the time. Try to limit your outings and if you want to hang out with her more, include the family. The problem is probably that you try and do too much with her alone. Maybe if you include your family things would go over a bit smoother.

Think about it if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you like it if your husband went out all the time with his best friend, who is single, leaving you at home with the kids? I bet not!

Answer 4

Sounds like you and your friend are at different stages in your life. You've got a husband and children to think about. She's still living the single life. You just need to tell her that your family comes first. That you two will always be friends but you can't hang out with her all the time. As you get older your interests change. Sometimes friends even grow apart. I think the best thing to do is sit her down and explain the situation and how you feel. If she still doesn't get it maybe it's best if you two part ways.

Answer 5

Listen if she were a true friend she wouldn't but things in your head to start you thinking like she has done. She is wanting to cause problems in your marriage for her own satisfaction and once she finds her husband she will leave you with a mess up marriage. You need to tell her that you want her to be your true friend and not a friend that is putting things in your head.. Believe me those friends no matter how long they have been friends should be put to the back burner. I mean if she was your friend and not a thorn then she would just be your friend and tell you how happy she is for you to have found a loving husband.

Sorry she is not a good friend and it would be wise for you to hear the ugliness in her voice, that is evil of her.

Tell her you will go have breakfast with her or lunch. Your husband shouldn't go out to clubs nor should you.. Breakfast or lunch or shopping that is okay or any place with the kids, as long it does not take away from your family unity.

Answer 6

I have a similar situation, I've been married for 2 years and I have a girlfriend who I've known for over 10 years. We used to hang out many times every week and once I got married I had to put a stop to that. She was really bitter at first but finally she accepted it. She remains single (she is 33) but when we do get together it's only once a month and we just go out for dinner.

Tell your friend the club scene is not your scene anymore. If she doesn't understand, realize that she's not a good friend.

Answer 7

This is a tough, tough problem that faces many married couples and their single friends. The problem is partly your availability, and probably partly the fact that you aren't single anymore. Most single friends resent the fact that you are no longer able to interact with them as a "single" person. In other words, the dynamic changes from going out to clubs and scoping the guys and trying to hook up, to a (hopefully) more mature friendship that revolves around other similar interests. The problem is, that when you are single, your main interest tends to be the other sex, so it's tough to connect sometimes. The other problem is the time factor. The friend is used to you being the primary person (and probably you still are) that they hang out with.

I suggest, just letting your friend know that things are a bit different now, that you still value her as a friend, but that you just don't have as much time to hang out these days and that it doesn't mean you aren't wanting to be friends it's just you have other responsibilities that have to be met.

Answer 8

Well your husband does not like her oh well. I would just make sure when you hang out with her it's on your time, not the time you are to be having family time etc... My husband does not like some of my girlfriends but oh well. I just try not to talk about them because it only makes him more angry. He knows I visit them, and we go shopping but that's the extent of it.
You both have to respect each others space. You probably don't like one of his friends but you learn to tolerate it.
And if your girlfriend has nothing nice to say about your husband, then she's no friend at all, just a person with many problems that you don't need. Maybe that's what your husband is trying to make you realize so that you don't get caught up in all that.
Good Luck, stand your ground, but listen to your husband. There is a reason why you married him. I don't think he would mislead you.

Answer 9

Don't be too harsh on your best friend. It's really hard for single friends too understand why someone can't do all the things they did when you were both single. She is also probably having feelings of insecurity, and also jelousy, because you are living this happy life that she wants also someday. If you call her your best friend then you two must be close, so work it out with her, good friends are hard too come by these days. She WILL know the reason "why" when she finds someone and settles down with a couple of kids of her own.then she will "get It" !!

Answer 10

There is no reason to give her up as a friend. The problem is that you cannot maintain her lifestyle because it is not yours.

You can give her as much companionship as you can and she has to accept that. Being single is by nature a bit selfish ( if you are not looking out for yourself who will) so she may not comprehend.

It is funny how things work out. We had a large group of single friends years ago that we all kept in touch with. Over the years we went off to house , kids, jobs and the like. Now that the kids are grown and we are mostly settled in we are all back at it going out and the like. Its not that you give up your friends its just impossible to maintain the rock and roll lifestyle with a home and kids.