I can tell she is totally in love with me and will be a devoted wife. All of a sudden though the rest of my life is flashing before me - and the fun of this honeymoon period is waning. I'm going off thinking about everything, job, life, everything and feel like I am going to throw up from stress. I feel out of control. Any thoughts?
2007-08-28 01:57:45 · 16 answers · asked by Delay 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My sister-in-law pulled this line of advice on me and it actually worked....Totally putting aside the finances, the commitment of years, the familial responsibilities...try to keep those from sinking in. Fifty years from now when you're sitting on your rocking chair watching the sun set is she the one you want to have a conversation with? Does that question bring up a feeling of...wow..that would be kind of fun. "I don't know," may be a bad answer because that's the answer I had 2 her question before I broke up (which was a great decision). There's a guy I'm friends with right now and the idea of chillin with him and only him on some porch when we're all tore up and 80 seems pretty fun. He's an, "I do."
Almost every guy has some sort of commitment phobia..Only you know exactly how you feel but it sounds totally par for the course. Really try and ask yourself what you're afraid of. (For me it'd prob b the leverage/weight/permanence of the decision).That would disguise itself as, "Don't do it 'cause it's not right."This prob. so won't make u feel better and I don't know why I'm saying it but look on the bright side...We live in a country where divorce is allowed! Just don't have kids 4 a while until you can not only say, "She's in love with and devoted to me," but the Vice Versa part!When all else fails I pray like hell.(There are no atheists in fox holes.) I say I don't want to hurt her or be hurt so please guide me.Pretty simple....always works. Well that and the Rocking Chair.
2007-08-28 14:06:23 · answer #1 · answered by ... 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's normal to feel that way. It's called "cold feet". Alot of people feel this when the thought of their life suddenly being over hits. First off, you say she is totally in love with you and will be a devoted wife. Are you totally in love with her and will you be a devoted husband? Think of those things first, because they are going to be the foundation to your marriage. It's normal to worry about the future after marriage...kids, job, house, bills...YIKES! It's enough to make anyone want to throw up. Take each day as it comes. If you truly love her, then you know you will be ok. Remember that all marriages have their problems. Add kids and you've got a whole other mess. It's how you work together that makes it or breaks it. If however, you don't feel the same love for her as she does you...don't lead her down the garden path. It would not be fair to either of you. Cold feet is one thing, but being deceptive is another. If you don't feel the same love, the end it. If you are just scared...take each problem as it comes and stop thinking of the "what ifs". They can drive you insane and some of them may never happen and you will have wasted all that worrying for nothing. Good luck.
2007-08-28 09:04:04 · answer #2 · answered by kikio 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
So you're now pulling the string with the boot on the end. Because you love each other so much, I think you were infatuated with the thought of getting married. Talk to her. But in the conversation, don't ever say you don't want to get married. Simply let her know how you stressed you been, tell her you don't understand why and ask her to help you understand. Women like for you to ask them about issues. It makes you look caring and they will support that faster than anything. This way she's more comforting then taking it the wrong way. I think you also need to tell her in the conversation that you'd like to make it a long engagement. You will feel scared approaching her because you are unsure how she's going to take what you have to say. But once you ask her for her help, you will see the stress and sickness in your stomach will slowly dissipate.
COPING WITH STRESS:
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glassof water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called outranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on howlong you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier itbecomes."
2007-08-28 09:31:59 · answer #3 · answered by Caramel 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think that since she said yes, this is probably the first time you've actually thought about MARRIAGE instead of just the "hearts and flowers" part of it. Or this is the first time it's actually appeared real and iminent. Wow, it's really here. It's real now instead of just "oh, we're soooo in love I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her". Guess what, you asked her to SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIVES TOGETHER!!!! Don't feel guilty. A lot of people have that "wow, we're really getting married" moment", but it doesn't mean your a bad person or you're wrong for each other. It's a normal feeling. Give it a few days and let your head clear, you'll probably realize that that's all it was: nerves. Good luck.
2007-08-28 09:23:36 · answer #4 · answered by Lady in Red 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel as though everything is getting thrown at you all at one time. Relax. Chill down. Just because you got engaged dosen't mean you have to get married today. Take it a day at a time. Don't have a big wedding if you want to buy a house. Keep things simple. Discuss on type of wedding you both would agree on. Weddings are very expensive. Im engaged and I have no plans on having a wedding. We are getting our license, having a small get2gether w/ close family and friends and off to the Honeymoon. Hell I don't even wanna wear that uncomfortable yet beautiful freakin long dress b/c most likely since im such a cow I won't be able 2 find my dream dress. If your fiance is skinny. I hate her. LOL
2007-08-28 09:06:09 · answer #5 · answered by dolcezzamaria00 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I felt like this on my wedding day! I was shaking and sweating and everyone thought it was just excitement - but I was terrified I was making a big mistake. This was the rest of my life!!
Fast forward 12 years and we're still happily married. Once I was actually married I calmed down a bit it all seemed very right. I always think it's a problem if you AREN'T nervous because it means you don't appreciate the seriousness of what you're getting into.
You love your g/f - I'm sure you will be happily married. Have a long engagement, give yourself some time. It's just nerves, and it's very normal - and healthy!
2007-08-28 09:34:12 · answer #6 · answered by Janey 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Difficult to give a great answer w/o knowing more. Ages, past relationships, etc. Quick answer is sometimes these feelings can be normal but sometimes it is our instincts kicking in so, take it slow if these feeling continue talk to someone who knows you both for some perspective then if they continue you will have to talk to her about them...If you have made a mistake better to get out.
I started getting "those feelings" before the wedding and people said it was normal on the way to the wedding I wanted to run the other way but because people said it was normal and we had all these guests coming, I went ahead with the wedding---the marriage lasted a couple months...wasn't normal was my instincts screaming out...YOU have to decide what this is.
2007-08-28 09:07:33 · answer #7 · answered by dobeys2 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are scared right now. It will pass. Talk to your fiancee about your fears. Tell her how much you love her. If you asked her you must want to be with her. It is OK to worry just don't let the worry take over your life....you don't need to get married tomorrow. You can have a long engagement. Talk to her in a few days and just tell her the fears you have not that you are stressed to the max though. I am sure talking will help.
2007-08-28 09:02:46 · answer #8 · answered by chris d 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess you still do love her and wants to get married. It's just only natural to feel scared of the future and leaving behind what you know.
It sounds like you are young as well and yes, getting married is a big commitment; And obviously there are things you'll have to give up, but the way to look at it, is she'll have to make the same sacrifice to be with you too.
And her confidence will develop yours too.
Good luck.:)xxx
2007-08-28 09:08:38 · answer #9 · answered by Kc 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You'll be fine- you're having "second thoughts" because she actually said "yes". Trust me- this is normal. It all just happened so of course it's going to be on the top of your mind- it's called adrenaline! Once you give yourself a few days to calm down and absorb it all THEN you will be able to sort your thoughts and even have more rational ones. In the meantime- be excited, tell everyone the great news and try not to let her see you freaking out- it will scare her!
Congratulations!
2007-08-28 09:21:11 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋