If your fiance yelled at your kid, would you keep him around?

Question

My fiance, a previous football coach for 28 years, yelled like a maniac because my 14 yr. old son didn't tell him he quit football. My son was scared to tell him because he thought he'd go ballistic, so he side-stepped questions about football and avoided the subjct as he was building up his courage to tell him. Four days passed, my fiance was suspicious from my boy's answers, so he found out that he wasn't playing football any more (by having his daughter ask some of the other football players) so he confronted him and hammered him by telling him he was a liar, deceptive and untrustworthy because he wasn't honest in his answers when he had asked about football.

Answer 1

Dear LuckyEddie,

For starters: Where does this guy get off thinking he has the right to call the shots in this young boy"s life? Just because he is obsessed with the sport doesn't give him the freedom to monopolize this child's options of what sport to join or take himself out off. If your son was that unhappy with it. Then this guy needs to back off. He sounds like the one that needs discipline. He doesn't sound to me like he is quite the influence I would want around during my child's growing up years. And also developing into adulthood. This could leave some scarring. The man is tyrannical and some what of a lunatic. Did you intervene on your son's behalf? Doing what he did may have just caused him maybe to never come to you about anything ever again. You may never know now until it's all been done and said. And you will just sit there and wonder ( Why didn't he come to me about his problems) Just remember the abusive blowup your boyfriend had towards your son then ask yourself: Why????
I can't tell you what to do about your boyfriend but I know for certain that your son needs you more than you need this kind of man in any of your lives,

I wish you the best,

Sincerely,

Marseille

Answer 2

I think your fiance feels annoyed at your son - when someone lies / is deceitful towards you, you sometimes feel as the other person thinks you're not worthy of the truth?

Depends on how he yelled at the kid really, if he's you're fiance then you're intending to be married and so he would be the childs stepfather and then will have some sort of a right to be involved with disciplining your son. Football is obviously something he feels strongly about, and would encourage your son to do, but he must be able to accept that we don't all like the same things. What does "hammered" mean? If he was physically violent to your son or overly agressive then I'm afraid he'd be gone!

Makes me wonder if there aren't other issues in the relationship, and you just want an excuse to get rid of him??? Well at the end of the day, only you know how you feel about him, and so only you can make the decision!

Answer 3

It is all ways best to be honest with others, like it or not. BUT, I don't blame your son for not telling your fiance the truth right off the bat. If he yelled like a maniac. No one should have to be scared to tell another person something like that, it's not like he REALLY did something wrong. And for your fiance to tell him he is deceptive and untrustworthy is something else. Did your fiance ever stop to think that maybe the boy did this because he was afraid of the reaction he would get?
If it were me and someone treated my child that way, I would have been right in the middle of him..then toss his butt out. That is your child. No matter what age he is, he still needs to know his mother is behind him. He hasn't commited a crime, just quit football. Stick up for him, Mom! Protect your child. If it were me, his butt would be out the door by now. The only other thing I want to say is that you have to do what your heart is telling you to do. Don't do something because someone else says that is what they would do. Good luck

Answer 4

Not cool....

As a parent you have to be supportive of the situation. Even as a step parent. It's good to see that your husband is passionate about his profession but your son is not one of his athletes that he can drill anytime he screws up in practice.

Since your son was side-stepping the situation it seems as though he knew what was coming and he was uncomfortable about the situation.

I wouldn't say to dump your fiance but I think you need to have a sit down with him and explain how you feel. It's important not to pick sides on this. If your son was telling bold faced lies it is one thing but if he was simply intimidated then you need to make your fiance aware of it.

Communication is the key to all relationships and our son needs to feel as though he can turn to his future step dad for any advise under any circumstances.

At the same time you need to instill certain moral values in your son to include integrity and honesty.

Open the lanes of communication and express to him how the situation upset you and you felt he was too harsh. There is still a possibility with strong mentorship that your son would be willing to give football another chance.

Pressuring kids that age doesn't work so well....

Answer 5

No way would I keep this man around. Children need to be in an environment where they feel that they can be open and shown not only unconditional love but a feel safe to express themselves around BOTH parents. Had your son cheated on a test, broken the law etc. I would understand your fiance becoming so upset..... but over football? If a boy feels like he cant talk to this man out of fear, his adolescent years are going to be tough. Playing good parent, bad parent wont work either. I would really reconsider this man being part of you and your childs life. If your son is scared to tell him (AT AGE 14!) that hes no longer interested in a sport, you can imagine the other things he wont want to share. You sound like a great mom who loves her son a lot. I just thing that a boys adolescence is hard enough without being afraid to quit a hobby.

Answer 6

Hi Lucky, Sounds like this guy wants to have control over the whole house hold. I wouldn't let him yell at any of my kids like that and the commons he said would be enough to KICK his Sorry A S S out the front door and tell him," Don't let the door hit you in your Sorry A S S on the way out".!!!. Do it now before it's to late.
You should have a talk with your son and let him know all the crap your fiance said to him is not TRUE!!!
A Friend.
poppy1

Answer 7

im telling you now i would put my foot down right now , just think hes not even a step parent and look what hes doing , you think its bad now wait to you marry him, this is your sign, you better do something screaming at your son and putting him down,only results will be is your son is going to need help later on from the damage hes doing , and i promis your boyfriend will do everything he can do to make you belive hes sorry, until another day and yes it will happen again , and to have his daughter to be the one to find out for him, thats even going to make your son feel worse . your his mother if you allow this to happen then he has not a chance in hell. think about your son the one that really loves you know matter what, get rid of this jerk, or your son will suffer later .and it will be your fault. p.s. just because doesnt want to play football doesnt mean hes less as a person,tell your boyfriend to go get a real job...like in the oil field , i bet he wont . sounds to me he needs a good old a.s.s. kicking.

Answer 8

i'm a football fanatic! I love the sport, when I have kids would love for them to play the sport as I did, but I would never, ever pressure them to do anything.

Since this is your son, not his, it is not his place. Not at all, you should make a point that that kind of thing is unacceptable, and if it happens again you will leave him.

Also, it will be important for you to communicate with your son and tell him that it is okay not to play football, that it is not his fault for getting yelled at, and if your fiance chooses to confront him in the same way about anything to make sure to tell you as soon as possible.

Ms. IT IS NOT OKAY!

Answer 9

My question to you is this: Where the HECK were you when this man was yelling at your son? Your son will ALWAYS be your son; your so-called fiance may not always be your fiance (or your husband if you're still stupid enough to marry him after he's shown you that he's going to verbally abuse your children). If anyone, ANYONE, other than my children's father yelled at them, I would tear the lips right off their face. The sex can't be THAT good to sacrifice your son's happiness for some caveman who can't even control his anger. Buy a vibrator and get rid of your macho man. At least now he can say, "I can scare little kids!" on his next dating site.

Answer 10

Hi,
Sounds like your fiance treated your son like his own. How close are you with your fiance - do you want him to become like a father to your son, or as an extension of a family with you and him? Did you not enquire as to how your son was going on at football - perhaps you could become more involved in issues and stand up for your son. Best of luck. Please do not give them ultimatums though - your son is growing up and needs to develop his personality.