Can I have some opinions on this????

Question

I dont even know if this is a poem. But I wrote it about a girl. my emotions just kind of fell onto the paper.


I want to learn you inside out, I want to know what you're all about. I want to see all that you want be.

In life thier is pain, but I want to help comfort you through the rain.

I want to know what makes you smile
I want to know what you were like as a child.

I want to understand you, understand you more than I understand my myself.

I want to be a friend, someone you can depend on if you need help.

I want to embrace you for who you are, and erase, life's stains that spread to far.

I want to know what I can do for you, I want to learn everything about.

Though I don't really know, you i just wanted to show you, that my heart is sincere towards you.

Answer 1

Justin,
Your words are lovely and believe me it's a poem and has potential to be wonderful. Here are a few easy tips for you.
#1) Rewrites and tweaks are not bad and in fact will only make you better. NEVER throw away your original idea (which is here) and never throw away the metamorphisis as you come to the finish. It will help you later in your writing to look back and see your growth, maturity change and where you started and where you are now. I find it quite interesting that you ask a question in such an eloquent way that it is what I believe the actual first line of this poem. Maybe like this;

I don't even know
If this is even a poem
But I wrote if about you girl
My emotions just kind of spilled onto the paper

I find that last line beautiful - My emotions have just spilled from my pen onto this paper.

Remember too, not all poems need or have to rhyme so don't force it. In fact I prefer the free verse a lot even though several of your rhymes are not forced and flow nicely. Keep a notebook, rewrite it every now and then until you are happy with your product then STOP. Don't overthink it, when you feel finished so be it or you will be writing this poem for the rest of your life. Have faith that your words are beautiful because they are so keep at it and never be afraid to ask questions. You can always email me at [e-mail] with any questions at all.

By the way, if you wrote this nice and neat on some nice parchment or a nice piece of smooth, cold press water color paper and gave it to her.......I believe your words would melt her.

Namaste
www.flickr.com/photos/sweetlight/sets

Answer 2

Yes, it is a poem...it may not be very good, but it is a poem and it is an honest attempt at writing a poem. Some of the mistakes you made are common for new poets. For example, your first sentence should actually have been three lines:

I want to learn you inside out,
I want to know what you're all about
I want to see all that you want be

the next lines have a few problems of their own. For example, there is no rhyming line for "be" in the poem's third line. Also, it should be "there is pain", not "thier is pain" (and even "their" is spelled incorrectly).

In life there is pain,
but I want to help comfort you through the rain.

Do you see how the second line is so much longer than the first? That means you need to go back and edit them so they are closer to one another.

I think if you read some poetry you'll see how it's done a little better. Meanwhile, you've already done some good work and you should not give up, but should continue editing until your poem says what you want it to say in a way that conforms to the style you've chosen.

good luck, and keep writing

Answer 3

Well, brother, I can tell you're in love.
I agree with one of the other comments that this sounds like lyrics. And much worse lyrics than these have been made into popular songs.
The poem fairly dribbles for me. That is, it is too sappy and trite . . .

And poems that rhyme, baby,
Should really really really try, baby, to keep meter or some form of time, baby,
Because you can make rhymes anywhere, man,
If you don't care, man
How long it takes
To get your thoughts organized around some word or other that makes
A rhyming sound.
About my ideas here, and about triteness, has your understanding begun to abound?

In other words, it's easy to write poems that dribble.

Answer 4

Excellent writing. You're very good at this and I definitely want to read more. Your writing is unique and creative. You do a great job of expressing your feelings and not many people are good at that. As a fellow writer, I enjoyed this, and whomever you give this poem to, will be truly touched. You're really good. Keep your head up and keep writing. I believe in a good writer!!

Answer 5

Some of the lines sound prose, but it's still okay. I see what you're trying to get at.

Enhance the poem by checking your spelling and punctuation. Make the words more colorful and flowery :)

Try not to repeat words.

That's all :) It's a nice poem to begin with.

Answer 6

You're good -- since you seem to have set down what you feel , & that too , in tolerably good verse !
Try again , on some other subject that moves you , & see if you can do it again . Best of Luck !

Answer 7

Sweet, sounds like song lyrics, I bet the girl you wrote it about will be chuffed

Answer 8

THis is really good except spacing and placement. your punctation is good but just seperate verses right.

Answer 9

wow
that's beautiful
there's nothing wrong with it
its how you feel
you should spell check though
hey, maybe you should give it to her

Answer 10

it sounds like music lyrics...which is poetic...=]