Cemetarys forgotten. A poem, please read and remark.?

Question

I love the hollow desolate plot,
some forgotten, some are not.
Whilt the dead lay in sunken ground,
A silver stone marks swollen ground.
Filled with what is not wanted there,
all it can do is exspell musty air.
Below and above, and what's inbetween,
these hidden treasures lie unseen.
But who really knows what lays below,
if anything, it does not show.
We stand above the shallow grave,
lay around waiting for someone to save.
Do not come and visit me,
I don't know you're there, I cannot see.
Don't stop by for condolences pay,
for this is not where I lay.

**A silver stone marks death's door found.

Maddy---13

Answer 1

I probably wouldn't have rhymed ground with ground.

Answer 2

I hope you can take criticism, because I will give it to you.

The first rule of rhyming is not to put words in there just for the sake of the sound: they MUST be there for a reason, and that reason is to tell a story, which is what the poem is about. In your case, you have rhymed some verses in ways that make them sound very artificial, like you just put a random word there because it sounded right. Example: "I love the hollow desolate plot/some forgotten, some are not". In this case, the fist verse is not followed on the next.

My second point of criticism is the spelling, as somebody above already mentioned. A poet is still a writer, and writers need to use their tools (words and language) as best they can : spelling is very important if you want to be taken seriously.

Now, for the positive aspects:

The poem itself seems to me as very well composed (save for the two points I already mentioned). The theme is clear, it has a very concise argument that does not drift into nonsense as so many poems do, and it is original in that it is not a cliqué or common spot.

One last thing: I think you need to clarify a point there to avoid misinterpretation. I may be wrong, but the narrator in first person seems to be a ghost. In line 11 you say "we stand above the shallow grave", and at the end "for this is not where I lay". It seems that at first you suggest the ghost lives there or lays there, waiting for someone to save, then you contradict that idea. My concern here is about clarity alone.

(PS: I didn't want to sound rude. If I was, I apologize beforehand. I really think the poem is great, but it needs a little more work. Oh, and I already took into account the change you made to the 4th line.)

Answer 3

Just a quick thought, adding to other, better answers:

It seems a little curious that you're standing above the shallow grave at the same time you're laying around waiting.

Still, you've got some good thought going on here, though needing a bit more focus as to who's speaking, and in what situation.

Stay with it and work it over some more.

Answer 4

I see your main idea, but you keep swerving around it. For example; "lay around for someone to save" sounds like it was made simply to rhyme with grave.

You also might want to consider putting commas, like
"I love the hollow, desolate plot," to parallel the line after it. Check spelling, and capitalize what needs to be capitalized.

Your flow gets a little off, but it can be easily fixed.

You've got potential.

Answer 5

as a rule this is a descriptive piece of a communique between 2 human beings. i stumble on it actual and eye-catching, in basic terms by way of fact it derives out of your soul, and that i'm conscious that this is between your first actual poems. i think you felt the urge to co-exist with what befell between you 2, so which you record upon it in finished factor, this is clean and mushy, it portrays a character comfortable (you) and yet another a technique or the different detached (him). of course the two one in all you, stay in distinctive worlds. i think you deserve something extra genuine, and nearer on your values and criteria. thank you!

Answer 6

The ryhmes are a bit...awkward.

The poem itself is depressing but flows relatively well.

Answer 7

Very good B+

Answer 8

I like it! Perhaps, considering my name, that may be a given ;o)

Write On!

Answer 9

Slow down...start with cemetEry...you'll be alright.