Men, will you help me understand why some men refuse to take a job below a certain level?

Question

Specifically, I'm trying to understand what causes certain men to get discouraged in the job search.

I've met more than one man who is unemployed, leaving their wife to support the family. The men do a good job when they have work, but when the economy turns sour, they will refuse to take a job that pays below a specific wage, even if they cannot collect unemployment.

It seems like for the men it's harder to take a step back due to their pride?

Specifically I'd like suggestions from men, how can a wife understand the reluctance the man faces?

In each case I've seen, the men will refuse to take a job working at McDonalds (any minimum wage job) because it doesn't pay enough money. It seems to me that it would be better to have some money available!

Nagging doesn't work, and I don't want to suggest a separation or a divorce. How can a wife help the husband to understand he needs to take any job until something better comes around?

(Please note that the men will not accept counseling

In our case, I'm working 6 days a week in two jobs, and we have no medical insurance. We financially cannot afford counseling and have several bills going to collection. He absolutely flat out refuses to see a counselor.

Stephen, I'm not trying to generalize, but I have met SEVERAL men in this specific situation and the wives are frustrated. And in each of the cases that I know, the men refuse to see a counselor or take a job below a set level. I know that this is not true of every men, but I'm trying to understand what causes the men in these situations to refuse the lower paying jobs and how to break the cycle.

Answer 1

This is definitely a pride issue, but not a simple problem that you can solve by just telling the man 'get over yourself'. In fact that may make it worse.

First of all realize that many men derive a significant portion of their self-esteem from their ability to provide for their loved ones. The sudden loss of this can generate serious self-worth problems for him, and depression can easily follow. Ironically this depression and low self-esteem makes it much harder for him to get back into the career market and find another good paying job. Couple that with the fact that when he is out there looking for this new career he's likely to have a lot of doors shut in his face before he finds a good one - and all of this is hard on his self worth too.

When he hears nagging or complaining from his woman about how he's not looking hard enough or is being too picky he really hears two things - one, he feels like he's not trying hard enough (whether it's true or not isn't the issue here) and that he's letting his loved ones down, and two that his loved ones (especially his woman who's praise and respect means everything to him) don't think he's good enough (ie: well just work at mcdonalds! you're not deserving of anything else).

This can be devastating, and of course men become defensive, often retreating into 'not trying' rather than trying and constantly failing and feeling like they are letting everyone down, and then they'll come up with any excuse to justify not trying ('there just aren't any good jobs out there', etc..)

The best solution is to understand that his lowered self-worth is the problem and to do your best as his woman to raise it and let him know you support him, believe in him, and trust that he will do whatever it takes.

Show love and appreciation when he goes out and gets doors slammed in his face, wrap your arms around him and let him know that you believe in him and that even though you're going through hell that he'll get you through in the end. Give him the encouragement not to give up. It does make more sense to take a low paying temp job than nothing at all, but the way to encourage him to do that is to let him know that you believe in him and you're proud of him that he'll do whatever it takes to get you all through the hard times, even if it means temporarily taking a job that's low paying.

Good luck.

Answer 2

When I was 18 and newly married, I was broke flat, and out of a job. We had a kid on the way, and I needed a position fast. The main thing I felt was that I needed a career, not just a job. I needed the stability of a career position with benefits. Doing the mickey D's thing wont pay for a family. All you'll do is starve a little slower.
Is it pride? I'm sure in some cases it is. Is it the reality that you need something that will support your family properly? In my case, and view, it was.
By the way a home based business, or some type of self employment can also fill the gaps too. And then it's up to you how well you succeed, and you're not beholden to any boss, or company.
As long as he keeps trying, and doesn't give up, support him.
If he gives up, well.....
By the way, I found a career, and have worked 29 years for the same place. We've had 5 kids, and have 3 grand kids.

Answer 3

Besides the matter of pride there are additional factors.
Many companies will not hire people at a lower income level reasoning that a person who was earning $60,000 as a manager is not going to be happy working under other people and making only $40,000. They may leave soon and they may have attitudes more in line with a managers than with a team worker.
Although only somewhat related, I worked for 9 years at a big independent retail store. For two years in the middle of this I was manager of a department, responsible for reordering everything, handling special orders, etc. I got into conflict with the area manager who refused any changes I proposed and used trivial things as excuses and lied about my relations with my workers. I was demoted back to sales associate in another department without a cut in pay, but I believe people expected me to quit. I certainly felt humiliated and had to face co-workers questions, but stayed because I was out from under the supervisor and liked working with the customers.
There is a problem taking a very low paying job for an older person in that the worker constantly feels out of place with younger workers who are talking about modern funk music and may have to deal with customers who wonder why he is there. Also, the work is boring and repetative but still is exhausting, leaving no time for job hunting. And once the job is taken, to what extent is the employee starting all over again? If a person earned $40,000 a year (not much these days) and takes a job earning $16,000 - $8/hour for 2000 hours a year - what is the next job supposed to be - one with the old skills at $32,000 or, more likely, a bare step up to $20,000 a year?
I would say that rather than encouraging taking any job, the wife should be plotting with the husband for a strategy that will bring in some money while preparing for a job. This might mean working part time (3 days a week, not 4 hours a day with commutes before and after to waste time) and spending the remainder of the time learning modern skills or job hunting.

Answer 4

Men will accept counselling, I'm proof. To your question, Most men will have a hard time working in a job where the pay does not reflect their level of education or experience in the job world. What most men don't see is that they are putting their ego ahead of their families. On the other hand, I choose to work away from my family because I can make more money in a shorter amount of time. This allows me to spend more time with my family on vacations or just taking time off.

It might take going back to school (I did) to train for a new line of work but they (the men/man) need to get off the treadmill and take care of what is important. It won't be easy or quick but in the long run it will make all the difference in the world.

Answer 5

In the short term, a man may realize the need to keep up the household budget. It the long run the bills stack up.
In my situation I find it hard to get any work. That is the truth! I don't speak spanish and that rules out about all low paying jobs in my area. I never finished my college degree because I was too busy supporting a wife and she ran off with another man. (Took me for all she could). I lost my social security card and missplaced my birth certificuit - you may have no understanding how important those peices of paper are! And how difficult it is to get them back. The kind of work I can do, and for that matter about any kind of work will require those identification papers. If you don't have them you are SOL till you get them! So get it together and realize it ain't all that easy. I know and I am working my but off catching up.

Answer 6

You are right most men will not accept a lower paying job because of pride and failure to there special other. also he wants you to look up to him not down and he may feel ashamed he could not provide like he used to so he may use the excuse of higher pay or no job.you need to explain to him you will love him no matter what job he has and nagging will never work love and understanding will. and you are right we never accept counseling until it's way to late for it.

Answer 7

Yes, a man's pride is a deep and sometimes unfathomable thing.

It's an old book but I recommend you read "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. It came out in the late 60's and I'm reading it today....it has a great deal of truth that we woman need to know about men.

Answer 8

Sounds like, yeah, its a pride issue.

A lot of people think "A man is what a man does". So if he takes the mcdonalds job, he will have to see himself as a mcdonalds employee. If he stays unemployeed, he still sees himself as a (whatever). In his view, he just happens to be an unemployeed whatever.

Sounds like youre in a tough situation. Things like this are on my list of top 1000 reasons why I never got married.

Answer 9

there are almost daily networking meetings taking place in almost every city that are places a guy like your husband can get dressed and go to, they are usually listed in the local paper in the business section. there is monster,com there are many internet sources of advice and resources. there is a lot of unemployment in the real estate and mortgage fields right now .,,,a lot of people made a lot of once in a lifetime money and they are all out of work now and it is over, they will never make that money again, they have to get into another line of work. is this your hubby? if he wont get help, go yourself on the internet google 'successful job search tips' 'where the jobs are' new job fields' things like that. you do the research to help him go in the right direction. i dont know where you live but i live in southern california and there are tons of jobs. but in some areas maybe not. i also recommend that if he was ever part of any group, kiwanas, rotary, to go go go get involved again with the group many job searches are all about getting the word out. i send you encouragement and faith. here is a little story, a friend of mine said her husband called her and said 'something terrible has happened' she said, what is it? he said, i lost my job! she said, and what is the terrible news? see, her attitude was so wonderful she was so upbeat, every day she said, today is the day, and he did find a great job! you have power to affect his mood. it is scary for you too, i know, but you sound smart, you can do it. you are brave and this will work out. promise. ps he needs lots of protein and a multi vitamin for warding off depression.

Answer 10

The man just wants the best for you! Men have pride and he's not settling for less. Minimum wage jobs are no way to raise a famly with. Give him positive encouragement.