Where do I find the patience I need?????????????????

Question

I know that 99% of you that will read this are a quarter century or more younger than me. You are used to answering questions about pimples, sex and young relationships. I just need to vent so here I go: I am 61 years old, my Mom is 88, if there is anyone still living that is as old as me please advise me: Mom lives with me and my wonderful husband. She has been my best friend since I was a kid. Now she has dementia, she thinks I am her sister most of the time. She tells me the same stories and asks me the same questions a dozen times a day. Tonight after dinner I lost it; I freaked out. I drove down to the river and it was so peaceful there that I went back home and kidnapped my husband, because I knew he needed to find that peace too. We walked in the water up to our knees, cried, hugged and came back home feeling better but not GOOD. I was in my house 20 minutes when all of the frustration and anger was built back up inside because MOM was doing it all over again. Help me.

Answer 1

Hi. I'm not the same age as you. Yes, I am almost 20 years younger. However, my grandmother had alzheimers and so I know what you are going through. Caring for her was a trial and I didn't do it nearly as much as you obviously are.

While I think it is wonderful that you are caring for her, you can't let it destroy your health and wellbeing. That is what I watched my grandfather do and it wasn't good. I would suggest you get some respite support. If you can't find a local adult-day-care program for your mother, perhaps you can find a college student (preferably a nursing student) to stay with her, even if it is just one evening a week. Having time to spend with your husband, or totally alone, will do a great deal toward giving you the strength and patience to deal with your mom. The more you try to do this alone, the more frustrated you will become. It sounds like you are getting to the point that you may be doing her, and you, more harm than good.

There are resources out there. Obviously I don't know where you are so I can't suggest specifics. Perhaps a local nursing home or Medicare office can suggest places, if you can't find something in the phone book.

Good luck and God bless you, your husband and your mother.

Answer 2

I am not yet your age, but probably closer than many on this forum. Mom and her dementia are a life test for you. You already know what the test is - patience. How do you find it? You choose it. You ask for it. Each time Mom doesn't act like Mom, you choose to have patience with her and answer the same question calmly and with love.

You have to stop expecting that Mom is your best friend and the woman who raised you. She was that, but she is no longer that same person. The dementia has changed her. She is now has the mind of a child who will ask a thousand questions and will ask the same question a thousand times. You have switched roles with Mom. You are now her caretaker. Take care of her with love.

You have found a peaceful place down by the river. Go there every day and find that peace. This time, don't leave the peace at the river. Leave your frustration and anger in the river. Scream and cry. The river will absorb it all. Bring the peace back to your house. Mom is going to continue to have dementia and will probably get worse with time. Understand that and accept that. The anger and frustration lie in the knowledge that she won't ever be the Mom and best friend you knew as a kid. Also understand that you don't have to be with her every day, 24 hours a day. Find someone who will watch her while you spend hours at the river or wherever else you choose to go. Bring back your experiences to Mom and tell her about them. Tell her about them with love and tenderness in your voice as though she is your precious child. She will not remember your story, but I think she will feel the love.

Answer 3

Does your mom have Alzheimer's? If so, there are support groups out there for her and YOU! You need some kind of respite care for your mom if you plan on trying to keep her in your home. I am 61 also, and have an in-law that is suffering from dementia and I know there is no way I could take her into my home and care for her. I know that this is your Mom, but would she want to become a burden on you and make your life miserable? I don't think so. I would not want to be that way with my children. Does your mom get social security? If so, do you think it will cover part time care or day care in a senior center facility. Maybe if you don't have to deal with it 24/7, the strain and stress wouldn't be as much. Please call the center for aging in the county you live in. I'm sure they will have so much better ideas and advice than I can offer here. Good luck and I think you are a good daughter to have done this much!

Answer 4

I'm not quite as old as you but it won't be long when I have a parent that I may have to take care of. It's hard to see your mom like this, I know, but just keep in mind that she's not the same person as the one that raised you. My dad is 78 and little by little I see him slipping. I don't have a miracle cure for patience for you but I can tell you that you are a special person that will take on this problem with your mom. Maybe if there are other family members, you could get them to stay with her to give you and your husband some alone time together. That will make a world of difference. If no family, maybe pay a nurse or someone you trust to stay with her for a few hours every so often. You have to have you own time even if it's for a short while. Best of luck to you, your mom and to you wonderful husband that is standing by you through this. God Bless!

Answer 5

I know it is hard sometimes as I am older and in the same situation. You do need to take breaks every week, so you and your husband can rejuvenate. I place my mother in respite care and it gives me peace of mind, patience & the time to rejuvenate to get back on the carousel all over again. If it gets too much, there is nothing wrong with finding a permanent place for her, you can always visit her. Do take some time off, a vacation that you may have been wanting to do for sometime. Remember the reason why you are taking care of her, unlike many people's thinking, it is not a burden it is an honor to be able to give back to her. Good luck!

Answer 6

Caring for an aging loved one is not easy. What you are experiencing is normal. I think it's GREAT that you were able to find some inner peace- if only for a few moments.

I would suggest doing an internet search on caregiver burnout- it sounds like this is what you're probably experiencing. A link such as this one might help:

http://www.caregiver.com/articles/caregiver/caregiver_burnout.htm

You might also contact your local Office of the Aging for additional resources- such as support groups or finding a nurse or aide that can give you a day off once in a while...

Answer 7

Why don't you go for a walk every morning to that river you keep talking about with your husband? Or something along those lines. Take a nice, relaxing breath of fresh air and just walk or sit or just relax. Don't get caught up in the moment, and keep your mind open to possibilites. If yo uthink about it, your mother is worth the trouble if you love her. Try not to get yourself too busy, and if her repetitive stories are too much for you, then wander off in your own mind, and daydream or something. Try listening to some calm music, and spend time with your husband.

Answer 8

I've been there and done that, twice, my grandmother and my mother-in-law both had alzheimers. The only way not to let it totally make you nuts is to find a way to take some time for yourself. It is sad to watch your love one go down this road. You feel guilty when you get tired of listening to the same stories, always having to treat them like you would a child. \With my mother-in-law, I was able to get in home hospice to come in and help. They helped with her daily hygeine, helped keep her living area clean and also would sit with her if I wanted. She wasn't in end stage Alzheimers, but she had lost alot of weight, so she was brought into hospice as "failure to thrive". There may be other help in your community. There should be a senior community info program in your area. If you cannot find out easily, check with the social worker at your local hospital.

If you do not get help, you will start to wear yourself down, both emotionally and physically. This is what happens to alot of caregivers.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 9

I think that you need to work breaks in for you anf your husband. If you have siblings in the area that can help, that would be best, if not, try some different organizations in your community. There may be some senior centers in you area that offer daytime activities that you can take mom to a few times a week.

Answer 10

Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. It sounds as if you might need to build in some more breaks for you and your husband. I think it is o.k. to be frustrated as anyone would be. But without breaks consistently, you are not going to be able to refresh and refuel yourself for those harder times. I can better deal with hard times when I've had a chance to do something for myself. Make sure to take care of yourself so that you can take better care of your mom. :) Good luck to you. You are doing a wonderful thing for your mother, and in her heart she appreciates it although she can't let you know. God bless.