I said I would leave if he ever did it again, but now he did and I don't know ...?

Question

Last night my husband and I got into a fight. It was over something stupid, but he ended up blowing up and shouting at me. I threw my ring on the floor and went to the bathroom to settle down, but he followed me in there and then wouldn't let me out. Finally he let me out. In the course of the rest of the night he punched the door and broke part of the frame, and when I said I was leaving he said "If you're going to leave, then GET OUT" and as I was trying to at least get some shoes on he grabbed me and pushed/threw me outside and locked the door. He opened the door a minute later.

I started getting things ready to leave, but of course everything that would entail started going through my head. He got even more violent than that a year ago with me and I told him if he ever did it again, that I would be gone. But then I started thinking about how I have no money to move out. I will miss a whole year of school if I leave. My family lives all the way across the United States

I would have to move all the way across the country and take a year off college just to leave. I'd have to move in with my mom again.

I love my husband and our life together when we aren't fighting. We enjoy our time together SO much. He has only litterally pushed me this time and the last time, but i feel like if I stay I'm going to be going back on my word and sending him the message that it was okay.

I just don't know what to do. My gut tells me to stay because he means so much to me--my head tells me that I SHOULD leave. But then again my head also tells me that it is going to be SO hard and mess up my life SO much to move cross country at the drop of a hat and put my life on standstill....


I just don't know. I guess I just need some input...

He did apologize. Last night and today. He hugged me last night and said he's going to try to fix it....but he said that a year ago too...

He just called me on the phone and kind of made small talk. When I didn't say much he apologized again...I didn't know what to say.

Okay, I know I have already added a lot to this question BUT---I should point out that he has PTSD from previous deployments and IS getting help. He is not in anger management classes right now, but he talked to his doctor about when they are going to start the last time I was at his appointment with him. Soooo he should be starting them in a month or so I think....

Answer 1

GET OUT before it's too late. Check the phone book for battered womens shelter in your area. They will help you.

Answer 2

Dump the Bum!
You only live once. He already has a history of physical abuse. I'm also willing to bet that he is verbally abusive as well. What good is that education going to do you when he makes you a vegetable or worse yet kills you. If I were your father and heard about this I would be there in a heartbeat to get you out of there. Run while your still able, abusive relationships aren't healthy. My father was abusive and almost killed us kids and my mom. My first wife was abusive and I ran from that.
I'm in my second marriage and in 20 years we have never raised a hand to each other and have never called each other names or put each other down. That isn't to say we didn't have arguments we have had several our voices may have raised a time or two, but we stuck with the facts and resolved our differences. We have taught our daughter if a man hits her or puts her down to leave him no matter how sorry he may be. Our daughter has seen us have arguments and knows they can be handled in a reasonable fashion without the verbal or physical abuse. If you were my daughter I would tell you to come home. Call your parents and get out.

Answer 3

OK. Well, look at it this way, you may have to put your life in a mess for awhile when trying to move and stuff, but at least you will have a life. I know he hasn't hit you yet, and it was "only" a push. But honey, he abused you. And he's done it twice now, what's to say he won't do it again? He broke the door and frame. Do you know what kind of power that takes? A lot. And imagine if and when he does that to your face or body?
I know that you love him, and that it will kill you to leave. But do it now, before you go several more years, get more invested and therefore making it harder and harder for you to leave. Most abused woman don't/won't leave. But they all can.. It just takes a strength that a lot of us don't have!

He can't control his anger. He needs to be in anger management, but you know, even if he does that,. there is no guarantee that he will stop abusing you.

As hard as it will be, leave. Go to your family, that's what they are there for to love and protect you, especially when the man that swore to do that won't

Good luck, and God Bless

Answer 4

Leave him. Leave him now and do not look back. It is not worth is to stay with someone who has no respect for you. What kind of man pushes his wife? What kind of man yells at his wife? Why would you want to put yourself through this? For love? Love is not shown by pushing, yelling grabbing or any other type of physical or emotional abuse. Leave. Go live with your family and take a year off of school. It's better than staying and the abuse becoming more frequent. Don't take him back. He will say everything in the book to try to get you back. Just stick to your gut. you will find someone who will treat you right, it will just take time. Good Luck

Answer 5

Does he abuse you? If not then this just sounds like you both were hurting each other. You throwing your ring on the floor made him feel it is over, him pushing you out the door made him feel one up on you. All this was done in anger, good heavens no wonder the divorce rate is high. Talk to him and get over this fight.

My daughter in law put her foot through the wall but would never hurt anyone physically. Once again has he ever hurt you physically or verbally, if so leave if not get over the fight.

If he is being physical, have him and you get counseling right away, there is help out there for perpetrator's. Seek it immediately. Do not stay in an abusive relationship, it gets harder to leave as time goes by.

Answer 6

Well looks like you are either going to make yourself a doormat and punching bag if you stay and broke and out of school for only a year if you leave. Homeless shelters, womens shelters and if that is too drastic just call your folks--- they would rather see you out of school for 12 months that having your *** beat for 12 years or maybe even a dead daughter before then. Physical abusers don't change, if he swears he will make his go to a 52 week program and he has to stick with it or you stick your feet out the door--- and mean it or your are in the sme place all over again.

Answer 7

I am in a pretty bad situation myself, however, I am not being physically abused. This man is violent and I would be scared for my life. If I were you I would either separate and go to a shelter, or I would leave for good. You will not be the first woman to get out of a marriage with no money. Go with the clothes that you have on your back. Material things can be replaced, but your life can't. You can enroll in school later. Take a leave of absence.

Answer 8

Hun if he did it once he will do it again.. Screw the fact that u may have to start over but ur freedom and the ability to not be a punching bag is worth it.. Get out & get out now b/c it will get better and he has all the power once he realizes u'll never go n e where.. I WISH U THE BEST OF LUCK... U don't LOVE ur husband u love the stability u think he brings.. When u show up on the 6o'clock news we'll all knw what decision u made..

Answer 9

You already know what you have to do. Your husband has anger management issues. You need to leave until he is willing to attend anger management classes. Tell him you are now afraid for your safety (and you should be, if you aren't, since this usually escalates and gets worse). If he will go to anger management classes and learn to control his temper, you will stay with him. If he will not go, then you must get a separation until he's willing to DO something about this. Abusers cry, say "so sorry", and promise to do better, but without treatment they literally CANNOT. If he had cancer he'd get treatment. He has mental issues, and he needs treatment. I didn't say divorce him. I said LEAVE him until he gets better. You don't have to go home to mother. Find a room to rent somewhere and take a part time job to pay for it. But leave for your own safety.

Answer 10

You don't want to hear this but domestic violence starts like this and then only escalates. You don't want to give up this life you have but the longer you wait the harder it will be to leave. There is nothing wrong with taking a year off of school to get your life in order. If you don't leave the cost will be much higher. Don't lose yourself in this relationship - stay true to yourself.

Answer 11

#1 if you don't leave you ARE telling him it's ok no matter what comes out of your mouth.
#2 if he goes to counseling AFTER you leave and gets his issues under control, it doesn' t have to be the end of your marriage.
You sound young. Maybe you're too young to be married? Maybe you both just need to go your separate ways. I think you should, because most abusers never get any better. Been there, and done that, and I did leave!