We are newlyweds, less than year, but have been together for almost 9 years. He has had a problem with alcohol since I have known him and has been violent, crtical and verbally abusive for all this time. There are times I am afraid because I don't know what he is capable of and I never know when an outbreak will occur. He drinks heavily at least 4 night, maybe 6 a week. He is a functioning alcholic in terms of sociey, but I feel like I have just woke up. My father is an alcolohic and I married my dad. When he is sober he can SO sweet or he can be mean. I never know what I am going to get. He says he wants to change and I asked him flat out. If I asked you to pick alcohol or me, what would you choose? He told me he didn't know, that he really can't give up drinking. He refuses counseling or AA because he really doesn't want to stop. I don't want to be unhappy anymore or scared, but I feel like if I leave him my life will be a wreck! We have a house and a history.What should I do?
2007-08-27 07:54:47 · 31 answers · asked by Jcord29 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
To answer some questions you all have: Yes he has hit me and been physical to the point where I have been very scared. Why now am I wanting to fix it? A recent event opened my eyes and I realized I have been living a lie and covering for him. I want to be happy! I feel that I deserve that!
2007-08-28 06:43:40 · update #1
Well sweety, I bet you thought he would change after you two got married...how wrong could that thought be! He's been an alcoholic since you know him 9 years ago and STILL decided to go ahead and marry him without making him to stop drinking before you gotten married, This is exactly what happens in a relationship when you marry someone who has already a problem and think you can change him...well soon enough you realized this is just impossible, if he doesn't acknowledges that he has a problem with alcohol (which he hasn't so far) then it is almost impossible for him to stop drinking. I would recommend you to leave, to pack you things and move on...He will never change!! I can almost guarantee you there is no way unless you move out and when he sees his world tumbling down around him he realizes he needs to stop. Sometimes you need drastic measures to make a person realizes the big mistake he's in. You might have a history...but stop and think..what kind of history is that?...the one where you are always afraid he might snap and hit you? the one that you have to clean up after he has had a very bad night of drinking? or the one where all his money is wasting on the drinking and you barely make it through the week?...Please Honey, I know when even though you'll going to read and listen a lot of people advicing you to leave him and move on and try to be happy...YOU WONT do it, that's how it is, you know deep inside you that you MUST move out and move on with your life but your mind is already safe and comfortable in the situation you're in, so no matter how many people tell you to leave him you will not do it. So my advice would be, try to look inside of you and see how wonderful human being you are, you deserve better, you deserve a life where you have a husband who loves his family the most, who will put his family above ANYTHING, above alcohol above the world, a husband who wouldn't allow his family to suffer for him!. You can do better than that!! You know you can! I wish you well, and I just hope you come to your senses and move on. GOod LUck!
2007-08-27 08:26:02 · answer #1 · answered by fun 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your life will be a wreck if you DON'T leave him!!!
My father had been drinking for as long as I can remember. Well, he quit but he WANTED to and it took him almost 5 years anyway.
In your case, your man doesn't even try to change. All his promises are only words to keep you from leaving, he will never change. You said yourself: he doesn't really want to stop. I think it tells all.
Were I you, I'd be packing my stuff right now.
Anyway, if you feel like don't want to break up, give him last chance. Tell what you think and what you expect from him and leave temporarily. Not for a day or a week, maybe for a month. Let him realize what he can lose.
P.S. IF HE HAD EVER HIT YOU, RUN AWAY WITHOUT HESTITATION!
2007-08-27 08:15:30 · answer #2 · answered by Aatami 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey after 9 years you are just realizing he has a problem?? Who are you trying to kid! He refuses to go to counselling or AA because he doesn't want to stop and honestly, if he's mean when he's drunk, mean when he's sober, why would you wanna stay? If you don't leave him, your life will be a wreck anyway! Get help for yourself. Go to an Alanon meeting and meet other women in your area who are experiencing the same situation.
2007-08-27 08:13:54 · answer #3 · answered by Linda S 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to say it but he is not going to change until he is ready to change. You are going to continue to be misreable if you continue to live with this man the way he is now. If you leave him, it might motivate him to change his life, but it also might not. Alcoholics and addicts usually do some changing when they realize that what they are doing really isn't working for them anymore. I am a recovering addict. It took going to rehab 6 times, jail 5 times and lossing custody of my daughter before I changed my life. The consequences are what made me quit, but it took years for all that to happen. I have almost 4 years clean now. My family had to practice what's called tough love. Maybe you should try it. Tell him as long as he is drinking that he can't be around you. Try to stay away and maybe he'll quit. It takes a really strong person to stand by an alcoholic. If you can do it, you have to start putting your foot down. If you can't then the best thing to do would be to leave and start your life over!
2007-08-27 08:10:15 · answer #4 · answered by faith 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i've been with my husband 9 years we dated for 4 and married these last five i did not know what an alcoholic was i was never exposed to this in my life i just thought he drank i dont drink or smoke but like you now i look at all i have invested and i'm at a stand still because he doesnt realize what he is as a matter of fact he is in denial so rehab would be a waste because untill ha accepts it then there always be a problem what i have done is put my time and energy towards continuing my education taking care of my family i dont contribute to his drinking we are on a budget and we are allotted a certian amount of money monthly what he does with his is his business but when it runs out he's out oh yeah i have a meddling mother-in-law that supports him when he runs out of cash he has an old pick up he is not allowed to drive our other cars and the only thing i do is pray he doesnt hurt or kill anyone with his problem.
2007-08-27 08:09:54 · answer #5 · answered by lisa 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
well, when you are gone and his life has hit the gutter, he might change his mind, and in fact may end up in rehab, unless he dies from liver disease first.. or brain disease....
yes, alcohol is more important to him that you right now, it's very clear.
my father was an alcoholic, too, so i know what you mean about choices and ending up with "your father" again.
hon you have to make the effort to take care of YOU. Alanon is for those whose lives are affected by an alcoholic.. they have a website and it even gives information about meetings nationwide.
going to Alanon will take you a step closer to your own recovery (because i'm sure you are codependent). When attending these meetings you will probably notice a lot of people are living the same, exact life as YOU!
Your own recovery will help you to make better choices about this relationship problem and the alcohol issues...
Take care of YOU, no one else will, hon. xo
2007-08-27 08:17:18 · answer #6 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you can't leave him or your life will be a wreck, but
let's face facts, if you STAY with him, it will also be a wreck.
If he won't get help and get off booze, you need to get out.
I think it's odd that you knew him for 9 years, so you obviously
knew he had an alcohol problem, but you looked the other
way and married him anyway. I'm guessing you thought you
could change him. Guess what? He doesn't want to change.
So have to change the only person you can--YOU. Divorce
him and move on, don't be a victim.
2007-08-27 08:08:36 · answer #7 · answered by doodlebug 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
ditch the house and ditch the history - those are NOT good reasons for staying in a relationship. not to insult you but that's how stupid women think. he will not change unless HE wants to. no amount of prodding on your part will change that. your life will be a wreck if you stay with him. if you have kids with him their lives will be a wreck. here's some good advice. go to an AA meeting yourself and share your story and tell the AA members that you are trying to figure out what to do. recoverin alcoholics will tell you the honest truth about one of their own and will point you in the one and only direction. you will also get very good insight as to what kind of situation you arekeeping yourself in. be sure to tell them everything about him - his functionality, his violent outbreaks, etc. the more honest you are the better input you will receive. good luck.
2007-08-27 08:07:03 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a recovering alcoholic, I understand your pain and frustration and his too. It's very hard to have any self-respect when your a practicing alcohoic. But theres still hope. The first thing to realize is that this is not your fault and that you have the right to have peace in your home. You have the right to set healthy boundries and be respected.
Al-anon is a must for survival. Treat this as "life-threatening". You must surround yourself with others in your situation. They will support you and give you direction.
As for marrying him, whats done is done. Don't knock yourself out trying to fix things. Just work on yourself and be calm. Never confront him in anger, instead, if you have to, quietly leave until he is sober. Trust me, you calm spirit and action will drive him crazy enough to start thinking about what he is doing. And above all, pray for him. He's sick. Separate the man from the disease. Love him but hate the alcohol and get to a meeting. Slowly, he'll follow. This is the best way to fight for his life and your marriage! Don't give up as hard as it might seem.
2007-08-27 09:06:03 · answer #9 · answered by Committed Ministries 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Like you said, you just woke up. You can see by the amount of time you have been with him that he can't get sober on his own. If he refuses to get help you are stuck with him the way he is and you need to decide whether to stay or go. Nothing at this point will change him unless he decides to. I know they can be so sweet when they are sober, but does it really matter when they are so mean when drunk so often. Decide what is best for you and do it.
2007-08-27 08:02:53 · answer #10 · answered by mayihelpyou 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋