How do we stop a 13 year old from seeing her "boyfriend?"?

Question

We have a 13-year old daughter. She started discovering boys about 8 months ago. She has become very attached to a boy from school who I will call "John" We later discovered "John" has been sending our daughter e-mails about wanting sex.

Back in June we told our daughter she is not permitted to have a boyfriend, and we do not want her to see or communicate with "John." She has been in secret contact with him over the internet, and "John" has continued to to talk and ask her about sex.

Now, school has started and we are worried that our daughter and "John" will try to see each other.

We have tried to talk to John's parents. They could not give a crap what their son does. We tried to talk to them in a nice manner only to be told to "get lost."

I was hoping since my daughter is 13, that she would forget about this creep, but it seems that is not working. While we can monitor her activites at home, does anyone have any suggestions to help keep them away from each at school?

Answer 1

1st - remember when you were in school. there is nothing your parents could do to mandate who you were friends with.

2nd - remember your behavior as a kid. i'm sure you were doing a few things your parents wouldn't have approved of. perhaps you were cussing or cutting class or had a little boyfriend. these are normal things that teens do. it is a normal part of testing your independence and transitioning slowly into adulthood.

3rd - the more taboo and dangerous you make john seem, the more intriguing and mysterious he becomes to your daughter. again, honestly think about yourself as a 13 yr old. if you are having problems objectively remembering this (pretending you were a little angel), give your parents a call and ask them if they remember some of the antics you got into. take some of the allure out of john by inviting him to the house. meet him. don't threaten him or try to intimidate him. just stop treating him like a rebel or bad boy. that is probably very exciting to your daughter. 13 yr old girls love to feel that they are in the middle of some romantic soap opera. combat that image of john.

4th - you turned out just fine. you won't always be able to control your children. at some point, you have to give them the values, morals, and information to act responsibly when you AREN'T there. that is when children are tested. your daughter's obedience when you are around is not an accomplishment.

you need to arm her with the facts about teen pregnancy, STDs, and your family's stance on these issues. don't accuse her of doing anything sexual with john. that will only cause a fight. instead, let her know your stand on these issues and how to protect herself. physically, protection is about condoms and birth control. emotionally, protection is about only giving yourself to someone you are in a committed, OPEN (not hidden behind your backs), respectful love. love and sex under any other conditions will only result in her being hurt.

i urge you, more than anything, remember what you and your friends were doing at 13. realize that all children get crushes and talk about sex. your daughter is 13, john isn't her first introduction to this subject. stop viewing him as the enemy. if your daughter is armed with the right ideals and morals, john won't stand a chance at doing anything that she isn't ready to have happen.


btw, i'm a sociology student conducting an anonymous survey on marriage. if you want to participate, check out http://geocities.com/sbiv37/

Answer 2

Can't keep them away from each other in school- but then, they won't (problably) be having sex at school. After school and the internet is the issue. Since she has disobeyed and had secret contact on the internet with a boy who wants sex (try to get over the urge to kill him), then I would make the internet off limits (you can make it so she needs a password for the account or she can only use it during certain hours when you are home and the computer is in the same room you are). Obviously, you'll have to monitor where she goes, with whom, and check that she's really there. Life will suck, she will hate you, but someday she will appreciate it!
I'm a mom who has been there, done that, and have great relationships with my kids now. At one time, I took a chain saw to one of my sons bedroom door- he smarted off and locked it- he never did that again! Mama don't play!



Reading the responses- maybe I'm old fashioned but since when do the kids make the rules and decide what they will do? And since when is it OK for kids to do the wrong thing because "you can't stop them"?
I'm a single mom- and I bet that my one son (who's a cop) will arrest kids whose parents think like that, my other son will book them and my daughter in law will be their probation officer. Thay now totally agree with how I raised them- and I was NOT their friend- I was their mentor, their councelor and the LAW- they had lots of friends- they only had one mother.

Answer 3

You better talk to her and lay down some rules and let her know who is the parents here. She has not taken your advise seriously so Kick her out and let her get a job and support herself... Let her see if this John will take care of her.. if anything put her on some birth control ... the more you say no to her... the more she will have sex.... and babies that are not ideal for her at this time in her little life. Some issues have been going on for some time to have her at the age of 13 just doing these things now. Communication break down in this home for sure.

Answer 4

Hi I have a 13 year old boy, and a 18 year old girl, the more you fuss and argue with her, the more she is going to want to see this kid, it will burn it's self out. All you can do is hope that what ever you have told her about sex, works. I know this is hard to do, but you might just have to trust her to do the right thing. I would not let her date until she was 16. That is how I handled mine. This is a trying time for you and her both, I really wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

You can't and the sad thing is that the more you try to forbid her, the worse it will get. Tell her that she is much too young to date, but that John is welcome to come to the house and hang out, as long as you are there. You should have a "no boys in the bedroom" rule- if you don't make one now. He can come hang out in the main living areas of the home where you can keep an eye on them. The more you forbid them from hanging out, the more she will want to hang with him. But don't make this a rule about John, make this a clear rule about all guys. He may get sick of this arrangement and bug off, maybe not. But I think this is the most you can do. If he is ever abusive to her, then turn him in. Talk to her about sex and the importance of waiting until you are married. Talk to her about respecting her body and expecting boys to do the same, and that if she just sleeps with them, that she won't get respect from them. Make it clear to her that if she is pressured into having sex, then that is wrong and it really is rape. Make Respect a big issue. You should have already talked to her about this, but if not do it now.

Answer 6

Don't try to keep them away from each other at school b/c that is just not going to work. They are bound to see each other b/c they attend the same school. But as a parent you have to be tough. You need to tell her that you mean business about her dating. And if telling her is not good enough show her. Start taking things away that she loves and show her that you are the adult, not her. And if she tries to tell you that she is a almost an adult and should be allowed to make her own decisions, let her see how being an adult really is. Make her earn her keep... Sometimes tough love is the best love.

Answer 7

I wish I could help you. All I can say is I totally understand. My daughter is13 years old and she's not allowed to date either. She seems to be obsessed with this 10th grader! It's all she thinks about. The phone bill had numerous calls to this boy and to a 16 year old boy. We have taken away her phone and computer use and still she sneaks to call him and sometimes doesn't come straight home from school. It's like she doesn't even care about the consequences! I wish I knew what to do. I hope you get some good answers so that it might help us as well.

Answer 8

Approach John & tell him that if he touches Your daughter, You will bring him up on charges of statutory rape. Also talk to your daughter reminding her about respecting her body. Tell her about all of the STD's out there. Putting extra emphices on thoes with no cure. And make her show you how to use a condom. Unfortunituately this is age appropriate for her to be thinking about sex. Sounds like you have to scare her a little. Also ask a councelor at her school to help scare her streight.

Answer 9

Well, I was once like your daughter. Although I didn't have actual intercourse with him, we did everything else up to that point. My parent never knew and never found out (that I know of). I think the most important thing you can do is talk openly with your daughter. I had so many questions and was so curious about sex and had no one to talk to. My parents gave me "the sex talk" when I was 10 or 11. Afterwards, they told me to wait until marriage and that was the end of it. Never spoke about sex again. I'm sure that I could have asked them things, but they never brought it up, so neither did I. Then I started hearing things from friends and sneaking around watching rated R movies when I was around 12 and had no one to talk to about what I was seeing and hearing. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your daughter, maybe try to find a counselor or therapist that shares your moral values.

I'm sorry, but you can't prevent her from fooling around and sneaking around. And, it's not your fault. That's just how life is. Looking back on my past, I've thought plenty of times, "Wow, I've made a lot of mistakes." But, NEVER have I thought, "Wow, my parents have made a lot of mistakes.

Answer 10

This is a real challenge, first sit down and talk with her again, and explain indept why she is too young to be dating. Make sure you be very honest and up front about sex and its consequences. For ignoring the rules she have to lose her phone and internet privileges, stay firm when you punish her. Contact "john's" parents and express to them your feelings about their relationship, tell them that he should not have contact with your daughter outside of school. If the parents work together, you maybe can stop this. Make sure she get involved in extracurricular activities outside of school to keep her occupied. Do not imprison her, but stay firm on your possition regarding this relationship! Good Luck!