Okay I am feeling really mad right now at my husband?

Question

He is a volenteer cop for our town...he is always gone...he works his regular job and then goes and does his thing with them...when I talk to him...he says that he is doing something good and instead of being mad to just get over it. I am stay at home mom. I have two young girls and well it does get a little borning. I tell him this and he goes well this is what you wanted when you got pregnant. After the girls get in school you can get a job and get out of house. I tell him I want is his attention not so much something to do. He says well it is hard to give you attention because you always want it. Your not happy with 10-20 minutes. I dont know...I am little mad he doesnt understand how I feel and I dont how to tell him because I have tried but he doesnt get it. What should I do...how should I say it so he understand me better.

Answer 1

I can totally relate. My husband is a mechanic works 8 - 6 everyday. He is also the Assistant Fire Cheif of our town. They do not understand there priorties. Why can everyone else say I can't do this because I need to get home with my family, but he can't. I have spent 15 years of our marriage constantly waiting for him to come home. It is like everyone is more important than the famiy. You just need a little adult time. They can not understand how it affects the children. I now have a 13 year old, 10 year old and a 5 month old. They see it. It is now when they can vocalize it more that my oldest asked him "why is everyone more important than us"? It still did not affect him until I was going to divorce him. My point is I can find a man to sleep in my bed and be a guest at my house, but I need a husband and the girls need a father. When you put it those terms, it hits home a little more. My outlook is if I am going to have to raise them myself, I might as well be doing it. As for him stating this is what you wanted, it is a marriage and you are in it together to raise them. He should be the rock that keeps you strong at the end of the day when the kids have driven you crazy. Instead, he is trying to be a rock for the community. Now I have never disagreed that what he does is not a good thing, but it can not be his entire life and we are part of the community which is in need of him as well. He is going to have to learn to balance his life. We have to learn to do this as mothers ourselves. We give to our children, our husbands and everything else and tend to forget about our needs. Stay strong and do what is best for you. This is when you need to think about yourself. You are not in the wrong at all. Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

I understand how you feel. You aren't really asking your husband to change anything about your life. You just want to have someone who listens and understands you. Maybe if you explain this to your husband. Say something like, "Dear, I am not asking you to fix things for me. I just want you to listen and try and understand how I feel." Your husband should know you can't "just get over it" and by saying that it only makes matters worse. You could tell your husband that you aren't demanding a large quantity of his attention, you just want the quality of it to improve. It sounds like your husband thinks you want him to come up with solutions when all you really want is for him to listen and sympathize. I imagine it would also be nice if he would show some appreciation for what you are sacrificing for the family by staying home. Approach him in a different manner and maybe he will hear what you say in a new way. When you have young children at home it starts to feel like you are starved for adult conversation and contact. At least once a week you should be able to go out and do something with other adults. Join a gym or a club where other women your age meet. It will make a world of difference in how you view your life, marriage and home. Also, while you are out your husband can have time with the children. Then he will get the chance to see what a demanding job you really do have.

Answer 3

Did you get pregnant all by yourself, or did Mr. Smartmouth contribute to the cause? You need to have a long talk with your mom, or some other relative who will be willing to watch the girls occasionally, so YOU can get out of the house. Hopefully, you have someone to do this for you. No need in trying to make this man understand. He understands already. He just doesn't care. Make arrangements to get away from the house once or twice a week. Go shopping, visiting, to the beauty salon, or to the movies, while Bozo is out and about. If he comes home a couple of times and you're not there, he'll change his tune. Being mad is not going to solve your problem. Make a plan and stick to it. I thought chauvinist pigs died with "miniskirts," but your husband is proof that they're still alive. Don't let him get you pregnant again, girlfriend. It's a trap!

And don't listen to the Shaunas of the world. Chauvinist pigs don't respond to simple logic.

Answer 4

first things first, if you are bored find some other hobbies or interests that you can do with the kids to meet other moms. there are a lot of stay-at-home mom groups and clubs. check your area to see what's out there.

you shouldn't depend on your husband for entertainment, but it is a fair request that you spend more time together. arrange for some time alone in advance. get a babysitter. better yet, leave the kids with grandma if this is an option. ask your husband to pick one day that he will be free. if he picks a weekday after work, that is fine. turn off the phone, relax together, and maybe watch a funny movie so you can enjoy each other. try to arrange for one of these nights (even if he won't sacrifice his weekends) for you two to be alone. even if it's just a few hours, it will give you time to reconnect a couple of times a month.

has your husband always been this way? if so, then it is unfair and unrealistic for you to expect/demand that he change now. if he's always been this way, make the decision to accept the man you married and the decision you made to marry and have children with him.

make coming home a more enjoyable experience. studies have shown that when men spend lots of time away from home (at the bar, doing hobbies without their spouse, etc.) it is because they dread coming home. do you often nag him or criticize him? do you ever show appreciation for the 10-20 mins that you do have together or do you spend it complaining about wanting more? you can't convince, bully, guilt, or emotionally blackmail someone into WANTING to be with you. maybe he will be with you, but he won't want to unless you make being together a pleasurable experience.

try something different for 1 month. the old method of telling him hasn't worked, so just give something new a try. for 1 month do these things and see if there is a change in his behavior. realize that you can only control your behavior, but a change in yours may result in a change in his.
- be happy to see him when he arrives
-greet him lovingly (hugs, kisses, etc)
-don't nag him about what he does wrong, applaud him for what he does right. in psychology, this is called positive reinforcement. he will continue to do the good things because he will enjoy the positive feedback that you give him.
-let him know that you value the volunteer work that he does. let him know how proud you are of him for helping the community.

if you consciously make these changes in yourself, you should see some changes in him. he will want to come home. don't try to be perfect, just try to make home somewhere that he wants to be after a long day. if you still don't see any change in him, you may need to reevaluate the relationship and whether it's time for some couples counseling.

btw, i'm a sociology student conducting an anonymous survey on marriage. if you want to participate, check out http://geocities.com/sbiv37/

Answer 5

I am in the same boat and cannot give you an answer. My husband works all the time and I am at home with two boys and a brand new baby girl. He said he has to work to support us. I know he has a demanding job but maybe a date just us once a week would be wonderful. I want to feel like I matter like before the marriage and kids when all he did was chase me. If you can get that feeling back let me know.

Answer 6

I'm sorry to say it but he kind of sounds in the right. He is volenteering which most men don't. That is a good characteristic in him. I think you are overwhelmed with bordem. You need to find an activity for you to do. Go on a vacation with your girls with his money. If you appear to become busy than he'll probably come around. Or ask him to volenteer just a few days a week.

Answer 7

If trust is not an issue, and you really feel like your husband is too busy or committed to too many things other than you; your basic needs are not being met.
I am not the one to judge whether your demnands are unrealistic or not, but I will say that if Quality of Time is what you desire, diamonds, pearls, or Flowers will not replace a long walk in the park together. All the overtime and volunteering, while serving a desire in your husbands heart, robs you of the one thing you want, his time. My girlfriend is a big quality of time buff too, and likes to do stuff together. She enjoys watching TV, particularly LOST. We watch Lost every Wed, and I really enjoy the show. I think she does too, but I know more than anything she likes doing it together. There isn't much that could replace that time for her, it's what she wants, it's what she needs, and it's what she understands to be Love.
A good book to read and if your lucky to have him read the chapter on "Quality of Time" is the 5 Love Languages. It really helps us to see how we express and give love. Good Luck, I hope you get the moments you need.

Answer 8

My husband wants a LOT of attention, too. There is nothing wrong with that, but sometimes I canNOT give him all the attention he wants, so I understand what your husband is saying. It feels like a JOB, to have to drop what I am doing, just because my spouse wants affection. Accept that your husband is working, but, put the kids to bed EARLY every night---right before he gets home. Have a candlelight supper. (it will be up to YOU to set the mood). Get dressed up.
Men don't HEAR us. They think we are nagging, when we are simply telling them what will keep us happy, and keep us married to them. They are DEAF idiots, to be quite honest about it. But, we women have SOMETHING we can use to get what we need. Whether it is a good home-cooked meal, or a sexy black dress.....we have something to perk their ears up and make them take notice of our pleas. The BEST time to talk is when you are both laying flat on your backs in bed--no television---dead silence. Take his hand and speak softly, telling him how much you LIKE being with him and miss the good old days when he liked being with you.
Perhaps you should plan a weekend getaway. NO KIDS! Just the two of you.

Answer 9

He has his priorities a bit mixed up. If he thinks that when he gets out of work that it's ok to go hang out with the guys all the time he needs to grow up. They are his kids too and he should help raise them. It's sounds like only you wanted children so he gave you want you wanted, instead of being a dad also. No one would be happy with 10-20 minutes of his time. He must be very selfish to say the things he has.

Answer 10

First of all i see that your husband is keeping him self busy and dont have time for you perhaps you should tell him that
20 minutes is not good enough and you need him to be there so you cant at least have spent some grown up time together.

Because you have children doesnt meant that that gives him the right to not pay you attention.
best of luck