My mom is bringing strange men she meets online into her home & children are present..it gets worse-?

Question

The reason there is not a father in the first place is because he was abusive & raped 2 of us (his kids).

Now my mom is going through a 'its my time to live' spell, and joined some online dating site.

TWICE she has met men, met with them only once or twice..then brought them back to the house for weekends, She does not 'truly' know these men, and as a child being from an abusive home (i am not living away at school) I am apalled my mom would do this with men she does not know.

Whats worse is there is a 5,15,and 17 yr old still living in the house. What can i say to my mom to get her to understand we dont care if she dates but we DONT want these guys near us until they've been dating a WHILE

Note: i AM away at school.

Also, it concerns me because she leaves the 5 yr old home with the 'other kids' to go on dates & weekend getaways with these guys.

And no, calling child services is not an option. My mom is all these kids got, even if its not a whole lot.

one of my brothers DID try and say something and she got really defensive & said "Youre not going to tell me that i cant have people over... this is MY time to live."

Answer 1

Your mom is putting her kids at risk of sexual or physical abuse AGAIN through her actions. And she's certainly putting you all through emotional abuse--you know it, or you wouldn't be writing here.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a lot of options for you guys, based on what you've written here. If you have responsible grandparents, or other responsible relatives, I think you should ask if the lot of you can go live with them--especially the 5-year-old.

I don't think there's anything that CPS is going to do, just based on your mom boffing strangers in her home. But I think it's a mistake for you to rule out calling them if there's a legitimate danger to yourself, or the other kids. Yes, she's your mother, and she may be all you've got. But you wouldn't keep a pet rattlesnake, just because it's your only pet option, and you shouldn't use that justification for keeping helpless kids in their destructive mother's home, either.

Answer 2

You paint a bleak picture and are not leaving many options open. There is no other extended family you can approach about this (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins)? If not and Child Services is not an option, it has to go back to siblings (you). Your Mom is fully within her rights (though I agree irresponsible) to date and have men over. Based on her previous history I don't think you can "reason" with her, and nothing you say will change her behavior. So you have to step in and be the "protector" if you are concerned there is a potential for danger. Either you need to go back and take care of/watch over them OR depend on them to look after each other (15 and 17 should be responsible for 5 yr old). I think maybe your previous abuses and concerns over Mom's lack of responsibility to the kids may be making you a little paranoid, but this is also understandable. Better safe than sorry. If you truly feel there is a danger, make arrangements for the siblings to get out of the house when Mom has men over. Tell the oldest (17 and 15) about your concerns (without scaring them), and that you don't think the baby needs to see all these strange men. Have the oldest 2 do sleepovers with friends, family, or you, and take the youngest with them on weekends. Tell your Mom you miss them (siblings), and when she goes out of town see if she can bring them to school to stay with you for the weekend (not sure how far away it is or if allowed), or you go back to her place and stay with them for the weekend.

Answer 3

First of all how old are you?? You need to talk to some sort of social services if not CPS... maybe even a civil lawyer of some sort.. get someone involved. I am truly sorry to hear that you have had to deal with so much in your short life, but thankful that you see that your mom needs some help. She should be concentrating on raising you and helping you, and her other children.... but she has some mental issues she cannot deal with, she has some other issues she is not dealing with also which is not only hurting her, but you and your other siblings. Understand that she is your mother, although what she is doing is not good at all.. at least you can tell right from wrong behavior. Understand she is sick.. but you need to make sure that you seek some sort of help where you are living... do some re search and do something to protect the 5 year old and 15 year old... talk to the older siblings and make sure they know how to protect themselves. Its a wicked world and sometimes we do not get the perfect family life.... you are a over comer for sure and I do not know what else to tell you... maybe go to a church and seek out someone there...... I wish with all my heart I could help you right now.... I will pray for you and your situation.

Answer 4

I know you love your mother but she is being selfish. If she felt like it was her time to live she should not have a five year old. Anytime you have children especially young children it is not your time for anything but to raise your children. I cannot be really angry at her because she raised you and you are very smart I am hoping you can have a conversation with her that will open her eyes to what she is doing. I am so thankful your younger siblings have you. Make sure they know they can come to you at any time if there is a problem. Remind your mother of what you had to go through, remind her that now she knows what can happen and if one of these men hurt your siblings you will never forgive her. You might explain it would be her fault if anything happens because she is old enough and had past experience so she should know better. You don't have to talk to her alone get your siblings together and all of you let her have it. Tell her she will change her ways and if she does not you will seek outside help even if you are not ready to do that scare her with it. She should be spending her time being thankful you turned out so well in spite of the bad things that happened to you. A lot of people with your past end up on drugs, do what she is doing or can't function in life and it must be hard for you to deal with. I am sorry your mother is placing so much worry on you in the end you cannot be responsible for changing her bad behavior only she can do that please take care of yourself.

I would like to add you are not responsible for fixing your mothers problem you are responsible for what it seems you are trying to do become an adult and take care of your own life. I know you would help your mother if you could but sometimes people that don't want help will drag you down and you can't let that happen because you are only beginning to fly.

Answer 5

Well ask your Mom how she would feel if her Internet date hurt one of the children again. And as far as leaving a 5 year old alone with a 15 or17 year old that is okay. They should be responsible enough to take care of the house, for a date but not a weekend. Talk to her and if she still is "all about me" than she is not being a good Mom and maybe she should not have the children. And it is not all about her. All children deserve to be SAFE. In a really loving, caring, safe home, CHILDREN COME FIRST not the Mom or Dad urges.

Answer 6

I recomend you get some help get her some help it is a tough time that you all ar going through if you dont seek help you and your siblings could get hurt and if the whole thing is ur mom is bringin em to bed so soon just tell her ur unacomfertable and I am guessing you are the 17 year old you should stick up to her and ur mother is dumb is she is bringing men into her home when SHE MET THEM OVER THE INTERNET there is no excuse for that you need to get help child services would be the best thing for u and ur siblings NO DOUBT your mother has thought about this because she deffinitly has SHE IS NOT A GOOD MOTHER THAT IS THAT SORRY TO SAY

Answer 7

Oh boy, this wont' be an easy conversation but I think it's one you have to have with your mother. If you can talk to her in person, that would be best. Explain to her how nervous you kids are with strange men in the home, especially given your history. Ask her to talk to the other kids and ask them how they feel. Explain to her that it's sending a dangerous message to the rest of the kids and they might think that relationships are never permanent and have trouble when they get older, or the teenagers might think sex is a casual thing and end up pregnant or with diseases, etc....not to mention that is something that could happen to your mom. I really feel for you :( It's all in HOW you say it, not as much what you say. If you keep your tone and your eyes and your body language nonconfrontational and just try to be as tactful and respectful as possible, your mom will be more likely to hear you and not get defensive. If you have ANY family members outside the immediate family you can talk to, it would be a good idea...grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc....?? Good luck.

Answer 8

I'm so sorry for what is going on and the only thing to do is find a way that is not so demanding, to let her know that your siblings and yourself are not just concern for her well being but for yourselves too, as a parent myself it hard to hear what our kids are saying but I have a good closes relationship with them, and I ensure them that this home is not a hotel/motel, it is all we have for now so we can't ever take it for granted, and disrespect anyone in it and that means myself too, I hope I helped a Little..

Answer 9

I can feel for you. we are going thru,about the same with a granddaughter. Parents divorced, The mom had 2 boys by 2 diff. men. she is to go to court for child endangerment in Sept. children services said we couldn't do anything unless the police actually took the kids out of the house for a safty reason,then son could file for temp. custody.

Answer 10

wow this is very sad. well I would say first that it is very understandable the way you and the other children feel. have you and your siblings spoke to your mom about this? have the older children tell her they feel uncomfortable with the men she brings home. While it is understandable that she would want to date she also needs to think of her children first. your kids are #1 and everything else comes after that. like I said talk to her about it. tell her the same stuff you told us here. she should be understanding and change the way in which she dates.