My mother doesn't want me to date the guy i like?

Question

well, it's actually more like love. We've known each other for almost five years. I used to date his friend and when that relationship fizzled out we found ourselves attracted to each other and became best friends first. He treats me so well (will watch a romantic movie without complaint!!!). My mother knows that my ex and him weren't friends and she used to work with both of them, and said there were some things at work she couldn't tell me, but didn't think he was a good guy for me.
I could understand if this guy had 10 kids, tattoos all over, and didn't have a plan for the future.
He did drop out of high school, but is currently attending college, with plans for grad school soon. He is very smart.
How should i handle my mom? tell her i'm 23 years old and know what i want and can make good decisions? I'm afraid that she will never think this is a good match.

i'm sorry it should say that my mother knows that my ex and him WERE friends

ok i should add that i worked with him too. i'm thinking it was cause of why he got fired... loooonnnnggg story, i know someone who was in the room when he was fired and it was a total misunderstanding, but since he disobeyed company policy, he was fired on a technicality.
He is attending college and has his life straightened out. He is not stuck in a minimum wage job all his life!!!!

I should also add we worked in a store were there was a lot of backstabbing, so after he got fired, the guy who they were really trying to get could have lied to save face with the other employees. I'm pretty sure this is what my mother is talking, but since i have a friend who works for the team that fires people, i got the 411.

and.... she is the only one who dissaproves. before my ex and i broke up i had many friends tell me i should be with the other guy because we had much more fun together and he treated me better, even if it was in a friend way.
and now that i've broken up with the ex i'm having a lot of people coming forward telling me they didn't think we were good together but that they just supported me because they were friends.

Answer 1

1. get your mom to spend more time with him, movies or whatever she likes. invite him over, have him cook dinner for your mom etc. let them develop their own relationship
2. you should listen and try to understand your mom's concerns. telling her to butt out will not make the relationship better. if you are living at home she can make it very hard for you to do what you want.

Answer 2

Well, if you don't think your mother will ever come to terms with this, you've only two options. Either dump him for her sake (can't see it myself!) or enjoy your relationship with him and let your mother find her own way through whether she eventually accepts it or continues to disapprove.

One of the difficult things about growing up emotionally is to learn that there are some decisions we make in life that aren't going to be approved of by someone whose good opinion and support count for a lot. When that person is your parent, it makes it more difficult to shrug off the disapproval, but it has to be done unless you want her to control you in this way for the rest of both your lives.

You needn't be unpleasant to her about it. You are 23, you say, and you've already told her that you're old enough to make your own decisions. So stick to that, make this one, and just tell her gently that you are sorry she can't be happy for you.

If she raises the matter of those "things at work she can't tell you" that make her think this man is wrong for you, you should either ignore her, or better still, call her bluff and tell her if she won't tell you what they are, as far as you're concerned they're irrelevant.

If she is genuinely concerned with good reason, it is very strange that she hasn't already told you the reason, don't you think? If she doesn't approve of the relationship, you'd expect her to tell you anything that might persuade you to drop it. Since she hasn't, I am wondering if she's the sort of person who's always tried to influence your decisions, and this is just another instance of that. Could it be that she's just inventing that suggestion hoping it will be enough to change your mind? Show her you're not afraid to face whatever dark secrets she knows, and see if she is then willing to pass on the information she has, if she has it!

wimsey

Answer 3

Well, you are 23 and you should do what you feel is right. But whatever you decide make sure you are honest with your mom about it. She may not agree, and if it turns out she was right she may say she told you so, but not being honest with her will damage your relationship which you must value or you wouldn't be asking this question.

As to what you should do, as someone who works in Human Resources and Management, I can tell you I've known some pretty bad stuff I've wanted to tell about someone, but I can't. And I can also say my mom has always been right about my friends and relationships. Moms know, it's annoying sometimes but true. :-) But people can change (especially if he was young when she worked with him) and what your mom knows may just be gossip or a situation that got blown out of proportion. If your instincts tell you he's a good guy, don't let your mom stop you. But trust mom enough to at least be careful at first. Be sure he's good for you, if he truly is, mom will come around.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Well mothers usually have a reason they do not like the person they have lived through the good guys and the bad and are trying to prevent you from messing up.Although it may not seem it at the time.she really just wants to protect you from any hurt.
It does sound as though you are level headed and have direction in your life or he has it in his...rather.
I see nothing wrong if the relationship wiht your ex was long ago and you are both over it..its time to move on and more than one person in life has done this dated an exs friend etc...
Just remember to keep an open ear to mom and explain that you love her...but you have this connection with him and you would appreciate her giving you a chance to further the relationship.

Answer 5

I know it's cliche, but honesty *is* the best policy. No matter what happens, your mother will always be your mother. Tell her how you feel. And that even though you respect her opinions, you still feel that you want to date this guy. If she feels strongly enough about it, she should come clean about why she doesn't want you to see him. Also, remember that your mom has been around the block a few more times than you have. Hopefully, she's learned some valuable lessons from her experiences. Listen to what she has to say. You can always agree to disagree. But listen. If you can learn from someone else's mistakes, then you're in a much better situation than most people these days.

Answer 6

Your mother is just trying to protect you and you should probably listen to her. If you trust and know your Mom well you should probably end the relationship. Mom's know when a guys a loser and girls get to caught up in the guy to see he's flaws until its too late. Sometimes you can't always put your figure on why someone is wrong for your child but your instincts tell you it's bad news. You should like a nice girl that comes from a loving family. There are plenty of other guys out there let this one go.

Answer 7

Your mom has your best interest at heart and especially after hearing some bad things about him at work and knowing how he acted at work or treated other females and with him being a friend to your ex -- her mother alarm has going off and she wants the best for you and would not want you to date him because of what he has done to others and she is trying to be diplomatic by not bringing up what he has done or whom he hurt or disrespected and she is looking out for you.

However, the final decision with you being grown is up to you and guess what no matter what your decision is your mother is going to be your mother and she will be there in the good and bad times still having your back.

Answer 8

shes simply going by way of a section in which she's interested in the guys she used to be attracted to twelve years in the past, however then again she could truthfully like him. i am 20 my fiance is 36 and have been head over heels in love. his children are 17 and 14. permit your mother rebound. its only a coping mechanism. she is going to recover from it most definitely until she falls in love. watch carefully even though the whole lot is not what it sort of feels.

Answer 9

Well first off ultimately it is your decision since you are an adult. My mother didn't like my now husband at first but loves him to death now. She wanted me to get back with my ex who unknown to her treated me terribly.

You should ask yourself if she is the only one who disagrees with your relationship. If she is the only one, then ignore it but keep her thoughts in your mind at all times, if you see him change even a little bit, your moms concerns may be legitimate. If everyone disagrees with your relationship then I think you should look further into your friends and families concerns because they may be seeing something that your love is blinding you from.

If he treats you well and is trying to better his life, then he is probably good for you. You parents just want what is best for you and will eventually come around.

Answer 10

Well it seems that your mother may know some important information about this guy that at this moment she is not willing to tell you, however she feels the information is important enough to tell you that the guy is not good enough for you. IT may be that he is seeing another woman at work, or flirting with another woman. I would heed your mothers warning and take it for what it is worth. It may be she don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth. I would go with what your mom is telling you and trust that she only has your best interest in mind honey. Good luck

Answer 11

If your mom worked with him, she probably has some inside dirt you don't even want to know about. Maybe he's the work slimeball that hits on anything remotely female. Or maybe he makes inappropriate comments.
If it was just a situation where she didn't like him and never talked, that's one thing. But in this case, she might be onto something. I'd say to have a real sit down talk with her about it.