A Fallen Soldier?

Question

I am currently deployed in Iraq at the moment. My wife has given me the notice that she wants a divorce and she says that there is no changing her mind. How am I to handle this. I still love her and we have a 2 year old daughter together. Can someone who has gone through this kind of help me get through. No amount of military training could have prepared me for this. I need you help please.

Answer 1

No, you were not trained to fight the huge emotional battle that you're fighting now.
It must be very painful for you to be going through this, but you'll survive this too.
The fact that your wife chose this time for her to ask for a divorce says a lot about her moral character. I sincerely think that you made a mistake marrying this woman, but you thought you had a great woman as a wife. You were wrong. I sincerely think that a woman who does this to a man, a USA soldier who's fighting so bravely in Iraq, risking his life fighting a bunch of deadly terrorists, a woman like this one deserves no your love, no your respect, no your commitment anymore. I know that USA military has a support program for soldiers facing divorce, children custody etc. while they're deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Please, ask about this program to a nurse, counselor there, social worker, or look on the internet for it. USE this help, please. You cannot fight this battle alone, you need support. DO NOT hesitate asking for help now when you're needing emotional support so badly. You surely are going through a grief process due to the ending of your marriage: you feel a lot of anger, emotional numbness, shock, disbelief, in the first stages of the grief process - you've suffered a loss, the death of your marriage-. You'll also go through a denial, guilty feelings, magical thinking phase: you'll think things will be Ok, that your wife feel loneliness only and that's the reason for her actions, that everything is Ok, you'll wait for miracles, you'll put the blame on yourself. Then you'll come through a phase where you'll feel very sad, reality at last will hit you in the head, and you'll accept that something went wrong in your relationship, that your marriage ended, and you have to MOVE ON. This takes some time, maybe 6 months, maybe more time. Sometimes you'll go to square one, or two, or everything together, but this will not last. This is normal. All this emotional turmoil, your anguish, your pain, your anger, sadness, dispair, hopelessness, powerlessness, guilty feelings will come to an end someday, this is temporary, this will not last for the rest of your life. This is a test life is giving you there in Iraq, your faith is being tested in one more way, but you'll SURVIVE this too. I promise you. This woman didn't deserve you, please, DO NOT give this woman the power to destroy your life, your faith, your ability to love and trust. I'd be so happy having a man like you as a husband. Many good women would feel the same way, I'm sure.
Focus on your little girl, you won't lose your relationship with your daughter. If you have to fight custody, do it. Ask the military for legal assistance, no woman can ask for custody if his husband is deployed in Iraq. I know this, inquire about it. Meditation can help you to soothe your mind, exercise, having pen-pals on the internet, self-help books, you need your friends, buddies for support, your family, parents, siblings, call them, e-mail them, ask a social worker there, counselor for help, maybe there are support groups there. Don't isolate yourself, or bottle up feelings: please,remember this, this is very, very important. Should you have strange thoughts, like hurting yourself, look for URGENT help to a physician, nurse, medical staff, right away.
Someday you'll find a great woman who deserves you, as I told you before this will not be the end of the world, light will come up again into your life.
YOU ARE GREAT, MAN !!. By the way: where's the factory where men like you are made ? I'm looking for a man like you, lol, any older friend there?. Keep your faith, dear, you don't know why this happened, you don't know what plans God are for you, God knows best. Maybe you were spared from something more painful than a divorce, you don't know. You're a good man.
God bless you, THANKS FOR SERVING THE COUNTRY !!!

Answer 2

I would also suggest talking to your chaplain and commander. Have you taken your R&R yet? Try taking it if you haven't and if you have try to get some family leave and deal with the issue at hand. If there is no way possible to do that then talk it out with a friend there when you need to, and look at all the possibilities you have. Try talking to her about it as well. She may not change her mind but you need to know how things will stand either way.
You shouldn't stress too much but since the problem is there, I imagine it'll be hard not to do so.
Protect your assets as well. If she is cold enough to say this to you now, she may be heartless enough to leave you penniless. Don't let that happen. Make only enough of your money available to her for taking care of your child and thats it. It may sound cynical to think like that but something like that could ruin you and I know it has happened.
There is no clear cut or easy way to deal with this and you are very limited in your resources now but you'll get through. Keep your head up soldier.

Answer 3

When my first husband was deployed to Iraq in the 90s is when I decided that the feelings I had for him were not the feelings I should have for a husband (many things caused this mostly his verbal and physical abuse towards me). We tried to remain friends for our daughter. Give her the divorce, do your duty and come back and find a woman that will love you how you need to be loved. Maybe its easier for her to file now that your away because with you being so far away with limited communication you cant rail her about her decision. You'll always have your daughter so dont think thats a reason to stay together. Divorce rates of military persons always increases when there is deployment.

Answer 4

She just made your time in Iraq even harder and added a lot of stress to you. Why did she decide to leave you, I hope you was not doing what us military men do, I am an ex military man, so I know how many beds we roll out of. It is very stressful to her also, how long have you to been together? Do not give up while you are out there, you do have a child and things could be different when you get back to her. The only thing you could do, is have a clear mind, and take it one day at a time. If you need a little more words of wisdom let me now. That is my main reason for not getting married in the military. I am out now and married. bd

Answer 5

There is really no way to handle this - I've seen too many people in your same position, military men and women who marry civilians that have no real comprehension of the demands placed on the military or what demands will be placed on themselves.. Being the fact you are in a war zone, I would suggest if you are able to take your leave of absence at this point, you should do so. If this is not an option, then examine what resources are available to you as a military member. In closing, I wish you well in getting through this difficult time.

Answer 6

I am so sorry that she is putting you through this. You need to be focused on your safety, not this emotional turmoil. Since there is nothing you can do from there, except write to her, just do that. I don't believe she can finalize a divorce without you being here to sign the papers. When you get home, then you can deal with it. In the meantime, just make sure you do get home so that you can be a daddy to your daughter.

And by the way, thank you for your courage and sacrifice. There are more here praying for all of you than you can imagine. Be safe!

Answer 7

The insensitivity of your soon to be ex-wife is astounding. I am so sorry that you had to get notice like this while in Iraq. Your first order of buisness is to go and see your commanding officer. You HAVE to talk to him. Your mind is going to not be on what is happening in your unit, but what is happening back home and your commanding officer NEEDS to know that you are going to have difficulties. Because of this you can get yourself hurt or one of your commrades too because you won't have your mind on the ball.
Your commanding officer, may even have some good ideas on who to talk to and what kind of issues that you can do to stall the situation back home.
Needless to say I can give you a bunch of advice, but what it comes down to is what YOU need to get through things before you come back off of your tour.
Needless to say talk to your officer in charge. He can point you in the right direction. Either way, take care!

Answer 8

oh my, as a military wife and my husband being deployed i can see that you are lost in this. you know there is no way to get to her but phone and email and that can drive someone crazy. needless to say that your wife isnt a very strong character if she doesnt want to wait for you and it really dont show much love from her point. if you want keep going and you obviously do, keep emailing her, send her letters and try to not let her forget about what she has in you. sorry to say this and not being mean, but its sad to see you are giving your precious love to a weak person, but i know how it is, i have been there myself.

Answer 9

First and foremost, thank you for serving our country. I know it takes one kind of bravery to face bullets and bombs and a completely different kind of bravery to face rejection. Sometimes you have to look at the silver lining. At least she told you want she wants rather than doing something behind your back and living a lie. You don't have to worry about coming home to a surprise. You know what to expect and can now plan for it. Maybe your life will work out better this way; it certainly can.

Answer 10

Son of God do not take things lightly for it is meant this thing and you will be another Job says the Lord. Take my shield of faith and the sword of the spirit and I will be with you always to the ends of time.
You are not a fallen Soldier, you belong to God and he has not called you fallen has he? then why are calling yourself that?
Take up your faith and trust in God to see you through this as he has said he will never leave you nor forsake you. You are the son of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords and he is not defeated and neither are you.
My prayers are with you this day and always on my prayer list.