My first ever poem- I don't consider myself a poet, just curious what you think?

Question

The first time you lied to me- it stung
I realized that some trust was gone
but I forgave and we moved on...

The second time you lied- it hurt
You said we could still make it work
And like a fool- I let you lurk

Third time you lied- the damage was done
But too late- for you'd already won
Now I was scared to be alone.

If I had known from the start
how lies can pierce and burn the heart
I never would have let you stay
And may be happier today.

You say it's all to protect me
But what you are too blind to see-
from now until infinity
you'll never be the man for me.

Love is nothing without trust
My trust you sacrificed for lust
But honey I have got you sussed
now let me be for all is lost.

The problem is that when you're gone
And I'm left to contemplate alone
Why do I cry for what you've done
When you're the one who's in the wrong?

Thanks for the comments- all appreciated- even the first one lol! Someone said it looked like I was trying too hard but I'm more in line with the view that I need to work harder as I wrote it in about 5 minutes. Would you reckon I have a promising career in card verse writing- lol. I'm more into writing articles- but thought I'd give poetry a go to see how you guys do it. Thanks

Answer 1

try putting all your poems together because if that is one of yours you should have a million more to write very nice not to much ryming rubbish very pleasent and obviously has meanig to you. .Poetry is in you and wants to come out well done . I think you are already a poet.

Answer 2

Well, you "are" a poet if you write a poem...good or bad. You suffer from the same mistakes as many beginning poets. The two forms most often used by beginners are the short rhymed couplet and what you attempted to do above: four lines of the same rhyme. The only thing more difficult that pulling off a good rhymed couplet is pulling off one or two more lines with the same rhyme. Not that it's all that difficult to find four words that rhyme, but to make these words seem to be the only words that you could have chosen...this is why I never recommend either of these styles for the new poet...it really takes a trained ear and lots of skill to do it well. You have other choices, however, because you can choose to not rhyme, but keep a constant structure (open verse), choose to not rhyme and have no form at all (free verse), or choose another rhymed pattern...there are so many to choose from...sonnets, ballads, etc., and if you want to stay with four lines of rhyme, try abab, abba, or abcb...where each letter represents a different word. For example,

In the village where I live
There was a little house
And everytime I went inside
I saw a little mouse

would be abcb, because the second and four lines rhyme (b), but the first and third do not (a,c).

In any event, your first attempt was okay and you should actually save it so you can come back to it from time to time to see how you've improved. You've already done the most difficult thing in poetry...you wrote a poem, and had the guts to post it for comment...now keep writing :)

Answer 3

If this is indeed your first attempt, it is not bad. You got your point across well, and for the most part the words tended to flow as I read them. There were some awkward moments, but the rough edges smooth with time. I'd like to see more from you in the future, I think there is talent in there that has been suppressed, and it's time to let it out. Don't let criticism get you down either, some will bad mouth your best effort, and some will exalt your worst. You just have to learn to distinguish between them. You will write quite a lot of not so good poetry in the learning process, but from what I have seen here, not nearly so much as some others. Also, try to find some happy subjects to write about as well, it'll keep us wondering. :)

Answer 4

Pretty good. But I'm having a problem with the last part. It's too negative. I'd like to see it with a more positive attitude from the female side is all.

Answer 5

I thought it to be very emotional and it screams "ATTENTION ALL" yes you definitely, with work, have a promising career. I loved the thought you put into it and the depth of the poem without using a lot of words to just make it rhyme.

You did well...smile.

Answer 6

A broken hearted inspired poem to be sure. Have you read the poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning? Known thru out the world and often quoted. Her poem was called How Do I Love Thee? Let me Count The Ways.........I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight. For the ends of being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everyday's , Most quiet need, by sun and candle light.I love thee freely as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs,and with my childhood's faith
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints----I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!---and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Answer 7

I think that you definitely have a knack for some type of writing but it needs work, this poem in particular needs a lot of work. My biggest piece of advise would be to try and say more with less words.

Answer 8

I enjoyed reading your poem. You have done well and I don't think you are not a good poet. I think you have the skill of writting and you are a great poet.

Answer 9

it was okay. I think you're trying too hard to write, and you dont need to rhyme. It was pretty, and I like the very last paragraph the best.

Answer 10

Very nice and many people can understand your feelings of frustration and betrayal.
Poetry and song writing can be very therapeutic.
Keep you pen going girl!