I just found out my spouse had a 3 year affair with a married women he met online. I want to tell her husband.

Question

My husband feels this is just revenge- so what, I say. Why should she get off scott free? I guess they should have thought of the consequences before they slept together.

I want to add some detail to my question- yes, I do want revenge. My husband and I are in counseling and the only reason I haven't told yet is that I'm afraid my teenage sons would find out what he did. I had a ruptured anuerysm in my brain in March and almost died--I spent 3 weeks on a ventilator, have had 2 brains surgeries and was blind for 4 months. I spent almost 2 months in hospital and have also had 2 eye surgeries to try to repair my vision. So do I care if I wreck her family? Not really. She had the nerve to tell him how seeing him brought back how much she loved him. He has stopped all contact with her (I have spyware on my computer) but I feel don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Answer 1

Well had it been me she had messed with , her husband would have all ready known because he would be asking her why he was paying medical bills to patch her A S S up . yeah tell him she deserves to be caught up in her dirty deeds .

Answer 2

I'm split on this one. On one hand, the woman's husband deserves to know he's sleeping with a liar/cheater. On the other hand, so you tell....then what? Is your marriage going to end or are you going to stay with him? Will making her marriage end make YOU feel better? No. He's hurt you. Your problem should mostly be with your husband. HE is the one that had a committment to you, not this woman. She did have a commitment to someone else, but that's a different story. It is revenge, no matter how you look at it. You are seeking vengence for "her" hurting you by sleeping with your husband. It's always easier to blame the other person, because you don't love them. You need to deal with your husband, Honey. If you're going to forgive him and move on...then MOVE ON. If you need to talk to the woman to get something off your chest, so be it...but I feel she has the right to be the one to tell her husband, and if she doesn't, it will come out eventually anyway, but I wouldn't want to be involved in any of the karma associated with "playing God and bringing her to justice".

Answer 3

Judge me if you want but no problem, I had an online affair just for the attention I got. I never got down to the sleeping part but I just wanted attention, I do take the blame but people do it 4 different reasons, in the process of telling the husband u might wreck yo marriage worse, mend your own marriage, what goes around comes around, I learnt my lesson but we are slowly patching things up. I guess for me it was a feeling of wanting to revenge, I was always the victim, I wanted to feel if he felt the same pain as I did.

Answer 4

Just don't - Go back to your wife and figure out what is really missing with her that this online woman is govong you. She needs to do the same. The reason people start even looking or chatting or flirting is because there is something missing at home. Even those who seem to have relatively happy lives. Does she make you laugh and not your wife? Then you need to voice things about it to your wife. You need to tell her that you are afraid you'll stray if things don't change. I like counseling for couples. BUT BUT BUT -Make sure you visit with the counselor and see what they are like. My hubby and I went to counseling early on and it wasn't really any help. It was more someone saying we needed God to build our lives. I agree but that didn't help - Things got worse. We went to a 2nd counselor - he wanted to talk more about himself and old books. He kept telling us we were fine. WRONG - AFTER A DAMN NEAR divorce we found a 3rd counselor. She was great and we have never been happier and that was years ago. The basics - It sounds so simple too - Do you love her like she wants to be loved? And does she love you like you want to be loved. That means.... If she loves notes and small gifts and flowers, and you like affection, and physical things... Are you trying to hug and kiss on her to show your love? If so that's not what she interprets as I LOVE YOU. And if she is leaving you notes and buying special things then that's not the I LOVE YOU that you want.... So in turn you don't really feel loved and feel a void. Although I could be saying all this and not know the situation you are in. Bottom line - Being with someone else is A-OK, after you are out of your relationship and she is out of hers. It never ends in a good place and only makes you resent the marriage you are in even more! Good Luck!

Answer 5

Look, just tell the husband!!!

You'll be saving him from being married to a cheating little tart, and....maybe if you're lucky he'll go clobber YOUR husband . I really hope he does.

And who the hell is he to tell you how to live your life/teach you that revenge is immoral or immature? He's been an adulterer for 3 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3 years, even while you were suffering! No guilt, no nothing??!! No remorse for how his actions might affect your sons (and his tart's family too)??!!!!Don't you listen to the b@stard!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe you could tell your kids in a very very euphemistic way??? So that they know the truth about their father and how appalling an example he is to them.

I am sorry this happened to you :(

PS But tread carefully, though.

Answer 6

Yes, I would tell her about the affair. Not as a revenge thing, but she does need to know because of health issues. If she was screwing around with your husband, no telling how many others were there. He needs to know so he can get checked out, and so do you.

Answer 7

Why do you hate her husband so much? Why do you want to see HIM suffer? He may be blissfully ignorant and, because of that, able to maintain his marriage, his family and his security for years to come. Do the mistress and her husband have kids? Why do you want to see them heartbroken over their mother's bad behavior?

The mistress is not getting off scot free. You sound as though you've already made up your mind, but there are more people who are going to suffer the consequences of her actions than just the mistress and most of them are innocent bystanders.

For the love of God, keep your mouth shut!

Answer 8

I would feel the same as you. She took part in destroying your marriage and can go on in her life and have a happy ending. Yours on the other hand will never be the same! It would be hard enough for me to deal with my husband betraying me for a one night stand let alone of him going on with it for three years! that would be unacceptable for me and loving him or not I would end it all and be done!! I would feel that everything I thought I had with him was a lie and feel so humiliated and disrespected that I couldn't stand to ever look at him again. This would not be the man I thought I married and gave my heart and life to. The trust would just be gone because he changed my world from the way I saw it to be! Things with him would never feel right in being with him again. It would take more stress and energy to try to even repair the damage done than it would take for me to move on in life without him and...find someone that would be be right to me because I could be right to him. The choice here is what are you going to be able to live with? You will never forget it and your trust will never be fully restored. Cheating is always a choice and he chose to stab you in the back for 3 years of your marriage to him. Personally I could not think to go back to whatever he allowed me to think it was ....especially now that I wouldn't even know what was or that I don't even know him anymore if I ever had??? Take care of you now and maybe get direction for yourself in counseling to find out how to move on from this devastating betrayal.

Answer 9

In a way you are right and in away he is right. Cause he sees you as angry and wanting revenge. Her husband should be told. I hope you are getting counseling to work through this. I hope your husband sees the wrong he has done.

Answer 10

I know your pain from experience. However, your anger should be toward your husband. This was a long affair. I think you should seek counseling. It will be hard for you to trust him after finding this out. You have every right to be angry at him, and her. You need to take time a think about your marriage and is it worth saving.

Answer 11

She wrecked your marriage. Return the favor...return the love to her. Let her husband know what a sl*t she is so he can send her packing. If your going to do it, do it right and make sure her husband knows all of the details, down to the last meeting and intimate details. Heck, why not just sleep with him to get back at your spouces.