I am about to separate and wanted to make sure my kids were OK, but don't want to give my wife a penny more

Question

When I leave, do I have to pay all the bills as I did before? My wife only works part-time and refuses to do any more, but is happy to see me work 15 hours a day and ask why I don't get paid more! I desperately want to support my kids, but don't want her living a care-free lifestyle on the back of any money I'd have to give to them. They are all under 18. Is there anywhere I get good advice on this?

Answer 1

talk to your lawyer

Answer 2

A solicitor who specialises in family law - and I'd avoid a female solicitor if I were you! Most solicitors will give you an initial consultation free of charge which will give you an idea of what you are looking at.

You could also try the CAB - they will give you the basics.

Sadly, I think the odds are stacked against you. My friend and her husband separated last year. She works part time (20 hours a week), with two young kids in her custody. She now has a total monthly income of around £1,600, from maintenance for the kids, child benefit, family and working tax credits etc. I don't begrudge her a thing, but her ex desperately misses the kids (he didn't want them to split up in the first place) and is struggling badly financially. It doesn't seem very fair somehow.

I would not wish any single mother to be in dire straits as a result of a relationship going wrong, but I can't help but get frustrated sometimes that I work my socks off all week and earn significantly less than some of the single mums living around me.

I expect you'll get a barrage of abuse from this question, and even though I'm a female, I have to say that I'm not convinced the courts always act in the best interests of EVERYONE concerned somehow.

Answer 3

The best advice is to talk to an attorney, pronto.

You're wife will usually end up working more as a single parent. It's no picnic and a woman's income is more likely to fall after a divorce while a man's rises. Women tend to make less money then men and if she ends up with custody, she'll have far more expenses. Trust me, she'll work more at home and at a job. Besides, the more hours she spends at work, the less time she'll have to cater to your children...think about that!

If you leave her, you lose the right to dictate how she lives her life, period. You may have a say in what the children do but her life will no longer be any of your business.

Too many men think that women live high on the hog with a couple hundred dollars of monthly child support. The cold reality is that the child support doesn't come close to the costs associated with raising a child.

If you want to help the children, yet give her custody, be the bigger person; pay your child support, buy your children clothes, help them pay for extracurricular activities, save for their college education and so on. Do not count on her to do those things.

Also, men tend to think of visitation as a right but not a responsibility. It's a responsibility: see your children as often as you can and model your work ethic to them.

Oh yeah, never, ever tell a judge or GAL that you fear for the children's safety unless you can back it up with solid proof (i.e. police reports) because you can be accused of Parental Alienation Syndrome and lose access to your children. It's unfair but that's just the way it is right now.

Take care of yourself and don't waste your precious energy fretting about whether your wife has it easier than you.

Answer 4

You could always stay married and take care of your kids until they turn 18. You could refuse to work 15-hour days and put the ball in her court. You could sue for custody of the kids. There are a TON of options, but it seems like you've already made the decision to abandon your kids to living alone with a woman you don't see fit to remain married to.

No, sounds more like you want to be single again and abdicate your responsibilities. If you leave and don't take your kids, you have no control over how much money you pay in child support...it will be determined by the courts and, chances are, it'll be a hell of a lot more than what you think is fair...and you'll have no control over how she spends it. Then, if you don't pay, you'll go to jail.

And your kids grow up in two houses and never learn how to maintain a long-term relationship. Believe me, it's a lot less messy just staying home, quit making babies with this woman and raising the kids you do have. At least then, you maintain some semblence of control.

Answer 5

It's like this: You and your wife are about to separate and you want to make sure your kids are okay? Your wife has kids under 18, works part time, and probably does everything it takes to keep the house going? Do you see where I'm going with this?

The fact is, every penny you withhold from that household is money you are withholding from your kids. Who do you think is going to be most affected when there is no extra money for going to the pool, or hanging at the mall, or going to the movies, or extracurricular school activities.....your wife, or your kids? Who is going to hate the clothes they wear to school, over and over....your wife or your kids?

I hear so many men say, "I'm not going to give her a penny I don't have to". They don't stop to think that every penny their ex wife doesn't have, is another penny their kids do without.

So, do what you want, but don't say you want to make sure your kids are okay. You'll make sure they are okay, but not if it interferes with you trying to make your wife do without. Instead of trying to get back at your wife, why don't you try being fair about the situation. Every petty action you take toward your wife only hurts your kids.

:You want good advice on how to turn the screws on your wife and kids....see a lawyer. There are many who will help anyone, whether it's the right thing to do or not.

Answer 6

If you are no longer living together you do not have to pay the daily bills accept where you name is for example mortgage, loans etc.,

If you ex is only working part time she is then likely to request some form of benefit to assist with her day to day living and looking after children this is where the dreaded CSA come into it.

They will take a fix amount of you and I would suggest you put some money aside cause no matter how long it takes them to sort it out you will have to pay the arrears.

I feel for you in relation to giving her the money cause you do not know where it is going exactly but you are going to have to get over that, if you pay her or give any money to the children this usually does not count unless you keep hold of receipts for example do not give cash you can not prove the movement of cash.

The CSA is meant to be a fair way of sorting these matters our experience says different

Good luck!

Answer 7

See a lawyer before you decide to move forward. I would also try to get her to get a full time job before moving out, you may pay less in support for her later. Maybe you can try to work out 50-50 custody so that you won't have to pay too much but make sure that you take care of the kids first. You don't have to do the minimum that the court suggests. They're your children too, make sure that they come first. And it's not always true that the women get everything, I got stuck paying money to an ex who won't work and gets to take vacations while I struggle and have 100% custody. HE is lazy... good luck.

Answer 8

You will have to make court ordered payments and epending on the state you live in and how long you were married you cpould have to pay alimony. As for the child support it's up to the judge and is meant to help the executive conservator provide for the children with not only food and clothing but shelter ,elec., water, phone etc.. So if you are the one leaving then you need to except the fact that it will cost you it is not cheap to raise three kids!!!!! So you better prepare yourself mentally because once the court orders it thats how it is (unless you prefer incarceration) and it will be none of your business how the money is spent as long as the children are provided for> you will also be required to pay there health insurance. SAOO that being said if you can save the marrage IT WILL BE ALOT CHEAPER!!
Good Luck

Answer 9

I think we can all understand how you feel, but what you are saying is you really want to punish your wife, think how that sounds. If the bills don't get paid who suffers the kids. To many people who feel its their right to punish their spouse because the relationship is over don't realize how bad they actually hurt their kids. Just make sure when you see the kids there re getting the things they need. Her situation is going to be hard enough as it is when you leave, she will to emotionally deal with your kids, no money can fix mom and dad divorcing. Think about your actions before the kids receive more damage.

Answer 10

Really, it all depends on the laws where you live, as far as alimony payments to your wife is concerned. As far as the kids are concerned, all courts and judges must take into consideration the well-being of the children. That is the main concern.

You definitely need to consult with a lawyer specialised in family law. Make an appointment. Ask friends who are separated who their lawyer was. Ger referrals. It's the best way to find a lawyer.

Good luck!

Answer 11

Yes, you need to pay the bills. Why not be a real man and take the children with you? If she is really that bad of a person, why not through her out? If you leave she needs to keep a roof over their heads, food on table, utilities, clothes, etc.

Through her out, keep the kids and file for child support. Then you will see how "easy it is".

Why are you leaving anyway?