How to talk to him about this?

Question

My husband and I have been married a year now (dated for 2 before that). I'm ready to, and really, really want to start a family SOON (like, yesterday). We have a very, very good relationship. He's my best friend, my protector, my provider and just all around the greatest husband I could've ever hoped for. Of course we fight sometimes, but what married couple doesn't? We're financially secure (very, very secure). We do tend to travel quite a bit as his job calls for it (the year before we were married we were on the road 9 months out of the 12 - this past year we were only on the road for 4).

I know he wants kids, he said so while we were dating and when we became engaged he made the comment that my mom should move closer to us that way she'll be there to help us when we have babies. But since then, he hasn't mentioned kids again. We did have one pregnancy "scare" but he wasn't too freaked out about it, just a little nervous.

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A friend of mine recently became pregnant and while yes, it has some to do with my wanting to start a family, I don't want him thinking that's all of it.

So I guess what I'm getting around to is this, I'm scared to tell him I want to start trying to get pregnant. I'm afraid he'll not be ready and tell me he doesn't want to right now then the disappointment will crush me.

So I need some advice on how to prepare for that when I do talk to him and I need some advice on HOW to talk to him about it, how to bring it up, what to say etc.

This is a little embarrassing because my husband and I tell each other everything, there's not much we can't talk to each other about so I feel so ridiculous for feeling like this is so hard to talk to him about.

Any advice or help or even comfort would be greatly appreciated.

By the way, he's 30 and I'll be 29 soon.

I should be a little more clear, we communicate very well about EVERYTHING, this is the only thing that I'm nervous about bringing up with him because I'm really afraid he won't be ready yet and I'll be crushed.

And maybe I phrased what he said about my mom wrong, it wasn't meant that we'll have a baby and then leave it for my mom to raise, no way. He sees my mom as a mother figure because he didn't have a very good one growing up (she used him, abused him you name it) and we have talked about everything that goes along with raising kids, morals and etc. Just not WHEN to start.

I'm just nervous because I really, really want this. It's like my biological clock is screaming at me. We've talked about having 2-3 kids, and his career we've talked about would have to come to a slow for a while. It's just that he hasn't mentioned having kids since we've been married so I'm a little afraid of being the one to bring it up. But I will! I just needed some advice on how lol

American Beauty, that was hurtful and uncalled for. You don't know me, you can't call me a "manipulative woman". I'm fully prepared to wait a year or two if my husband isn't ready for a child just yet. Yes, I want a baby right now, but if he's not ready I'm not going to force him or manipulate him into it. And as for the "scare" - I only called it that because it was unplanned at the time and all the symptoms were there but the test was negative. We were married at this point, so had the test been positive I know things would have been just fine with us. This goes to show you cannot call me a manipulative woman when you do not know me & and do not judge my relationship with my husband. I CAN and DO talk to my husband about EVERYTHING; I'm just NERVOUS about this. So to you, and those who may read this after you and want to judge, if you can't read the question carefully and answer a nice constructive answer, move on to the next question cause there's no cause for being mean and rude.

We talked. We attended a function earlier tonight that presented the perfect opp or me to bring it up later. There was a cute little boy that took a liking to hubby and we talked about that when we got home. The convo eventually led to what we would do if it were our child. then our children. and so I asked him, when do you think a good time for that would be, to begin becoming good parents or having a family. (Thanks AllanC for the idea) He basically didn't seem very interested in it making the comment that he wants to be here for me and the baby but right now (he's a musician) his group wants to write/record again so.. I know that means it'll be at least another 2 years AT LEAST, with touring and such. He also brought up "new advances for people in their older years to help conceive." Needless to say I'm crushed, but I'm putting a brave face on because I dont want him to feel bad. So... I don't know what I'm going to do now, just... deal with it.

And to clear something up, I do have plenty of activities outside my husband. Plenty. While most of my focus is on him (I'm an old fashion girl, I like to have that sort of role), I have other activities outside of him that I do, I'm not that pathetic. I just really wanted a baby. : (

Answer 1

Ask him flat out sometime while your just hanging out. Honey when do think is the right time to have kids? His answer will probably be, Why! are we pregnant? then you say, Would that be so bad? This will kinda be like the icebreaker, If your not pregnant then he's more likely to give you a time frame, If you are then he might feel trapped and unprepared.What concerns me is all the time on the road, Is that the way you really want to raise kids?Theres nothing to be afraid of,especially if your relationship is as open and honest as you say it is, just talk about it. Who knows, maybe he's waiting for you to give the OK, after all It is your body that has to go through the changes.Maybe he feels the way you do.You just have to discuss it. You will be amazed at the load that is lifted off your chest after all is said and done. GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 2

Ask him when he thinks he will be ready to have children since your age will be a factor. And just because you try does not mean you will get pregnant the first month or even year. In other words, talk about what issues might be there, not just about "let's start now."

If you both are so career oriented, you should realize that it woudl be best to wait or be ready to change your priorities.

By the way, his comment that your mom "should move closer to us" sound a bit presumptuous, but then again, maybe all three of you have talked about this in the past. It sounded to me as an outsider like you think that you can both go full speed ahead with your careers and let mom raise the kids. Again, it only sounded that way.

Answer 3

From what you tell us here, your communication with your husband is great, with the single exception of this particular issue. And one of the chief reasons for this seems to be that you are afraid he won't want what you are coming to want above everything - to have children. In other words, because you might not get the answer you want, you are keeping quiet.

As you must know, if communication between you is otherwise good, marriage sometimes means compromise, and sometimes foregoing something you want for the sake of your partner. That's not just part of marriage, it's part of life - learning to live with disappointment is vital to a mature attitude to life generally.

But if your relationship is so good, and you have every reason to believe that he does want children at some point, you needn't broach the subject fearing the worst, need you? For all you know, he might be waiting until you raise it with him.

Why don't you just wait until you're relaxing together one evening or weekend, and gently remind him that you've talked about this before, and he had seemed in agreement that one day you'd be parents? Ask him if he thinks now might be a good time to start trying for a family and see how he responds.

In view of the fact that you've only been married for a year, it may well be that he's just enjoying being part of a couple, and loves the fact that the two of you can take off at a moment's notice to travel, and that you can go with him even when the trip is connected with his work. He may also feel that at the present stage of his career, he needs to continue to be away from home quite frequently, in which case he might suggest delaying the starting of a family until he is more certain to be at home most of the time.

At your age, you are getting to the point where you are aware that it might not be easy to get pregnant if you leave it too many more years before trying. Mid-thirties is generally not considered ideal to have a first baby, because fertility declines with age. At 29, you still have a good chance to conceive quite quickly.

You could mention this, and suggest that if he wants to wait until he feels more able to be at home and see his new family and support you in every way he can, you would appreciate it if he'd give you some idea in terms of months or years how long it is likely to be before he can do that.

If you do produce a baby before he's really ready, you could find it difficult coping for regular periods without him around when the child is very young. Looking after a baby is tiring, and knowing that her husband is there to provide help and support relieves the mother's burden considerably. Besides that, he can be a continuous presence in his child's growth and development, which is certainly a bonus for them both.

You say he's your "best friend, protector and provider", which sounds great - but I'm wondering whether you yourself have a job or interests outside the home where you can meet friends, pursue an interest or develop a life of your own, when he's at work? I'm asking partly because I wonder if your anxiety about the possibility of having to postpone a family might stem from a lack of other interests than your husband to fill your life whilst you wait?

No, I don't mean to imply that you are using a baby as a means of filling an otherwise empty life. I'm sure you have the natural desire of most women who love their husbands to be the mother of his children. But if that's becoming too big an issue with you, other interests and activities might help to put it in perspective, by providing another focus for your attention while you wait.

But all this is academic and theoretical. You must talk to your husband about it. I've suggested possible ways of approach, and since you don't know that his reaction will be negative, what have you got to lose by sharing with him this very personal matter that is of importance to you both? Better than fretting yourself to distraction about the possibility that he'll either say he's changed his mind and now doesn't want a family at all, or that he'll want to defer it for so long that you'll go into a decline!

Talk to him - you might find he's delighted by the suggestion, and was only waiting until you felt ready to make it yourself, because he didn't want you to feel he had pressured you into
it.

wimsey

Answer 4

I think it's a little confusing for most people reading your question as to WHY you feel like you can't tell him that you want to start trying. From what you've said he hasn't given any indication that he doesn't want to have children now. (And being "just a little nervous" when you thought you might have been pregnant is normal." Even when people are trying to conceive, it's still a little nerve racking.)
You are at a perfect age to start your family, but honestly, depending on how many children you want, you shouldn't wait much longer. While many women have babies later in life, my Doctor told me the odds of conception & normal "uncomplicated" pregnancies go down significantly each year after 35. That's infomration your husband should also be aware of.
Good luck.

Answer 5

I'm married and my husband never brings up the subject of having kids -I'm the one that has to do it. My husband has told me that he will never be ready to have a kid I will just have to tell him that I'm pregnant. I don't know if it's a guy thing or what. Maybe you should ask him if he is ready for kids or when does he want to start having kids. Of course play the what if scenario with him, that way you can get a feel of where he is at. You shouldn't be nervous about asking your husband anything - he's your best friend and he loves you. Even if he is not ready he will not deny you this.

Answer 6

I would just simply bring up the conversation about how you would like children and wish to discuss if his career will allow him time to do so. You'll need to find out whether he'll be on the road a lot next year. You definitely need to find this out for you will want to be with him for the pregnancy and so he'll be with you for the birth. Travelling a lot while pregnant could be a little too stressful for you, so I'd definitely make sure you'll be having a quiet year.

He's your best friend, your confidente, so you should feel able to freely bring up your feelings to him and discuss your future desires with him. Open communication is the best. Besides, he may feel as you do, and then you'll be excitedly planning for a new arrival. Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

Talking to him about everything should come so natural. and so easy. That's communication. He is your life! Whether he wants to hear it or not, you have to tell him what you feel and want. You have the right to want to get pregnant, especially because of your age. That's when it's an excellent time to get pregnant and begin a family.

What the hell are you afraid of? What if he doesn't want to have children? Don't you want to know what he feels? Well, if you want children, then he has to know that. Maybe he does want to have children, but that's not his decision. He's married. Marriage is 50/50. You both have to make that decision to make eachother happy, not just him.

Answer 8

You claim to have this wonderful relationship with your husband, yet you can't talk to him about starting a family. That's crap! You're a manipulative woman; and instead of sitting down with your man and planning a family together, you want to have a kid when YOU want to and have him agree to it. And as far as your "pregnancy scare" is concerned: no birth control method is 100% effective; so after you lay down with a man, it's a little late to talk about a "scare." l feel sorry for any children you might have, and particularly sorry for your husband. He doesn't have a clue about you--not yet.

Answer 9

You have laid out your feelings very well in your question. My suggestion is that you let him read what we all have just read. Don't be surprised, though, if he doesn't put you off because having a child is not something a lot of people recognize for the treasure it is. ...and it's scary for a lot of us.

Answer 10

i know from experience that when you want to have a baby you can get totally obsessed by it. you do need to talk to him and be prepared for disappointment. but prepare yourself to be calm and clear to discuss about how you feel, and also listen carfully to what he has to say, rather than jumping in to say what you want to say, without listening carefully to him. Men can feel very strongly about the timing for babies. you still have time.