ADULTS ONLY ***** What do I do now?? I knew my husband?

Question

I knew he was downloading porn but recently i found his stash and it is pretty hard core. it is frightening. he has alcohol addiction which we have battled with off and on for all of our time together (as well as drug addiction in the past) He appears quite nice and normal to others, but the porn really threw me. The names of the films are disgusting and I'm too scared to look to see if they are really what they say. He says it's just curiosity and that the names of the videos aren't real, that it is all staged. I don't want to break up but I don't know how to deal with this. What does it mean that he is so into porn?

Thanks for all of your great answers. My problem with the porn is that some of them have titles regarding 'young girls' and 'rape' . these are the things i don't understand. why would you even read those names let alone download them. how could these be fantasies?

Answer 1

I don't think anyone else made quite this point, and maybe you know & understand this already, but the porn a guy looks at doesn't necessarily reflect something he would actually consider doing in real life. Porn is for the imagination, not for the real world. I have seen plenty of pornographic images that looked fascinating and maybe even exciting, but that I would have no interest in enacting. I don't think you have quite as much to worry about as you seem to think you do.

Answer 2

Well what it means largely depends on if it is truly a addiciton or not.

If he really does have a porn addiction then odds are he wont be able to break it without some sort of intervention...because that is how addictions work, also he would have to really want to stop too, if he doesn't really want to then he probably wont.

As to why he is so into porn, only he can really answer that. Most men watch porn to some extent from time to time, but too be addicted is not normal. Maybe he is just curious, maybe he has some fetish's and maybe he's just bored with your guy's sexual life, it's really hard to say why without knowing him.

You need to have a serious talk with him about it, explain to him what your worries are and that you are afraid he is addicted and explain to him that his collection is really disturbing too you and you want him to end this addiction.

Relationships are based on compromise, especially marriage. So I would think that if it really did bother you then he should at least cut back on how hardcore it is, or get rid of it all together.

good luck, hope it all works out for you.

Answer 3

It means he is curious and uses it for when he is alone. It might just spark him and excite him. If you two are okay and his is not viewing porn to the exclusion of the rest of his life and you, then I would not view it as a problem. If he is not drinking or using drugs, it may be giving him the excitement and release that those things gave him without the harm. Viewing porn is very common and does not make him a monster. Engaging in porn outside the marriage with other live people would be a problem. Fantasizing is just that and nothing more. If you worry, explain why and get some reassurance. This is your best friend, right? Go get a hug and work it out.

Answer 4

I have answered many questions on here pertaining to husbands and porn, and advised women that they need to get over it.

However, your situation is different. The fact that the porn in question is of a violent and illegal nature (involving minors) is a serious thing. I get that he's probably saying they aren't really minor girls, just actresses playing minors, which may be true. But the fact that he gets off to such a thing is scary. Combine this with his drug and alcohol addiction, and you have a major problem on your hands.

My advice? Get away. Leave the home and file for legal separation. This will enable you to receive financial support from him while he decides whether or not he wants to get divorced or seek help. If he chooses not to get help, I don't see any alternative than to divorce him. Best of luck to you!

Answer 5

A lot of answers. Not much good. If he has addiction problems and is now looking at porn that includes children and rape scenes, he's got some serious problems. Curiosity is one thing, but being turned on by illegal and immoral activities is quite another.

I would suggest that you seek legal advice - get yourself out of your current situation. If it is "kiddie porn", you could go down with him - no pun intended.

Answer 6

My concern is what his curiosity will lead him too and how hurt you may be in the end. As a man, I find nothing appealing about porn. It promotes a promiscuous lifestyle as well as unfaithfulness and in some cases unhealthy habits so it would seem. I enjoy my time with my wife and I certainly don't need to see a strange woman naked to get turned on. It seems that maybe your husband is not being satisfied intimately or that he has too much of a fascination with porn. Either way, it's very counterproductive.

Answer 7

Maybe you should take some interest in what he is looking at and ask to see it with him. This way you will be able to see first hand what it is and how much he enjoys it. Maybe he is just a little freaky and wants some excitement, how is your sex life?
With the other addiction issues I can understand your concern but maybe you should see what is going on without using a condemning tone.
Good luck and don't freak out it won't help the situation.

Answer 8

Your asking questions that are legit and concerning, but they're about your husbands choices in entertainment! Usually, so I've heard, that men who do/view porn do not respect women and look at them as objects. This can get serious and unnatural. Are you sure you want to remain with someone like this? I mean, you mentioned a title being about rape. Girlfriend, this aint good. Marriages break up b/c of this.

I told hubby that I will not put up with that and that he better hope I never find porn in our home or he can start sending me monthly checks! I have respect for myself to not put up with that crap.

Answer 9

Hey...
This should NEVER become a problem in a relationship.
Tell me.
Do you actually sit with him while he has a poo on the toilet, or do you give him some privacy?
Well, this is the same.
Give him the privacy and the consent to look at porn.
It will not harm you and should not hurt you.
It will be very damaging to your relationship if it becomes an issue to you, but if you know about it, and actually "allow" him this, it will be like a little blessing to you.
Later on you may want to watch him masturbate just for fun.
Do not let this become an issue.
That is stupid, childish and negative.
His porn addiction does not mean that he loves you any less

Answer 10

I think most guys at some point look at weird porn out of curiosity. Most guys look at porn of some sort on a regular basis, not all of them but most. I don't know what kind you found....there is some weird stuff out there...I would think that AA would help his thinking and ALANON would help yours.