What do you think about this Men’s Manifesto?

Question

by Ben Atherton-Zeman

The nation barely blinked as 11-year-old Nestor Nieves was stabbed to death outside a Springfield, MA movie theatre by another boy his age. Subsequent news reports indicated that Nieves was going to the movie with a girl that the other boy wanted to date. “That other boy was jealous and got mad,” said his stepfather...

In recent years, this kind of event has been described as “youth violence” rather than what it really is: male violence. Also, with the exception of Columbine, all the shootings of recent years have involved some kind of dating violence - usually a girl wouldn’t go out with one of the boys. With the exception of Jackson Katz and Sut Jhally’s Boston Globe column, media analysis of these tragedies usually missed this important point.

I also went to middle school in Springfield, and I learned many things there and elsewhere about what it means to be a man.

There were some good lessons: be strong about your opinions, stand up against injustice, take initiative rather than standing back, and so forth. But there were some lessons I could have done without: always have a girlfriend, always have the biggest car or make the most money, don’t show vulnerable feelings. If a girl doesn’t want to kiss you, kiss her really well and she’ll “melt”. If your girlfriend doesn’t do what she “should”, it’s all right to bring her into line. And if she’s going out with someone else, you have the right to a jealous, even homicidal rage against that other person - or against her.

All the popular guys in the Springfield middle school, as in the other schools I attended, embodied these qualities. They were the guys I wanted to be like, and I tried my hardest to embody what Katz calls the “Tough Guise”. These same role models were on TV, the movies, and in our popular culture.

I for one am sick of it. One of the reasons our sons are killing is because we have encouraged it. One of the reasons our brothers and fathers have abused their wives, girlfriends and partners is because we haven’t said, with a unified voice, that this isn’t a “manly” thing to do. We need to do more work to change what it means to be a man, what it means to be one of the “cool” and popular guys. Towards this end, I propose this Men’s Manifesto.

We will be our own role models, and the role models for other men and boys. Rejecting some of traditional masculinity, we will embrace what is useful to us and sometimes create new definitions of what it means to be a man.

We boys and men claim the right to define what’s “cool”. It doesn’t have to be aloofness, toughness, unreasonable jealousy and possessiveness. We declare that it’s “cool” to be tough sometimes, and vulnerable some others.

We declare it “cool” to support the women (or men) we date in their independence - love isn’t about control, and sex isn’t about coercion.

We will stand up against injustice. We will speak out against it, and will listen without defensiveness when it is pointed out in us. Rather than hiding behind “I didn’t mean to”, we will listen to the effects of our actions, not just point out our intentions. Strength as men will be measured not just by how many bar bells we can lift, but by how well we can listen.

We will not use homophobic, sexist, racist or other oppressive slurs to gain the upper hand with someone else. And when we’re called sissy, fag, girly, etc., we will take it as a compliment. Strength as men will not be measured in opposition to women and things female, but in unity with those things.

We will be men in this way with determination - sometimes quietly, sometimes proudly, and always unapologetically. We will write country western, rap and rock songs with these voices.

We will raise our sons this way, and raise our daughters to be strong and articulate. We will refuse to accept it if others say this isn’t the way to be a man - this is our way to be men, and we will not be denied our self-defined manhood.

We are sick of violence from intimate partners. Gay men, bisexuals, lesbians and transgendered folks all have the rights to joyful relationships free of violence and control. Since most of this violence is males controlling females, we pledge to never commit, condone, or remain silent about this violence. We choose to respect, listen to, seek equality with and share power with the women in our lives, and to encourage other men and boys to do the same.

Nestor Nieves didn’t have to die. The other boy could have gone and talked to his friends about how jealous he felt, how frustrated he was that the girl went to the movies with someone else.

We must stand with both of these boys before these things happen, and stand with each other as we boldly define a new form of manhood.

Source:

Ben Atherton-Zeman is a spokesperson for the National Organization for Men Against Sexism and the author of “Voices of Men” (www.voicesofmen.org).

Wow, this was long, sorry for this

Answer 1

The other day i was driving over to get my son for the week and on my way i always listen to the radio. on the radio a advertisement came up that was surprising to me because i never heard it before. it said," do you want to be like that boy who grows up to beat his wife and abuse his kids, don't follow the words of other inconsiderate adolescent boys and don't treat girls disrespectfully. grow up to be the man not a violent man."
some may thank that it is a bit strong to be going off like that , but i for one do not and i believe it is a good thing to teach our sons, but hey if we do not teach the daughters the same and its reverse then we still will get no were with it. just my thought.

Answer 2

I like it. But like another answerer pointed out, it should not be a 'Manifesto', it should be common sense among us all to get rid of male and female stereotypes once and for all. Children need wise role models, who at the same time should have had wise role models themselves. The problem is, this equality movement is still too new. Kids now must be craving freedom from stereotypes, but their parents and grandparents were raised a different way and still don't understand this need. They weren't raised that way. Kids should not rely the whole responsibility on their parents, but also on themselves. If they want to be themselves, they have the right to be it, regardless of what society has 'set up' for them. That goes for both men and women.

Mass media is also a mass murderer if you haven't noticed. Most television series for young people emphasize those annoying stereotypes we all hate. Newspapers proudly display the 'macho' feeling on their ads.
This NEEDS to change drastically is we want healthier minds.

Other than that, i do think a change is possible now.

I admire you for having the guts to go against the system. And winning. :)

Answer 3

This is a truly gender problem variety query. I believe so much of this - obviously that the "navy be staffed through men and women who observe voluntarily". I agree there will have to be male shelters - however they will have to be segregated for the reason that you do not desire to additional traumatize already traumatized men and women. Getting rid of all affirmative movement might most effective paintings if it may be proven that hiring practices are certainly reasonable, which more often than not they aren't. So typically a few varieties of men and women are in no way employed easily because of prejudice - this is the reason affirmative movement exists. People who make hiring selections are human and don't seem to be regularly color or gender blind. If this can also be conquer in any other manner, it would paintings.

Answer 4

While Beau has a valid point that culturally the "macho" image is still very much practiced, and I also have observed it in the middle school I work in, I also see is that when there is a strong family influence and presence this behavior is not encouraged. I wait many a morning for a mother to unload her boy into the school but is getting her goodbye kiss. I have watched many of my male students spontaneously turn and hug their mothers. The two parent home is the ideal environment but not always available. When this is not possible, the mom can continue to raise her children to not practise violence against others. Form the children with love and respect for them and they in turn will most likely be loving and respectful. It's what they learn at home first which will carry them when the reach the age of strong peer pressure. It is possible to raise peace loving and respectful children in ANY culture and environment. I have seen this first hand at my middle school where I work. We are very divirse and predominately minorities. I have seen both type of child and I have met their parent(s). A one parent home can provide the environment to raise well behaved kiddos as well as a two parent home. I, also became a single parent of 4 children which I did not see coming. However, not all parents are inclined to raise their children in a positive fashion and not all children are responsive to positive parenting, there are of course psycho or sociopathic genes at work as well which all the good parenting in the world can not supress.

Answer 5

I guess I'm confused as to why it has to be a 'Manifesto'...sounds to me as though it is common sense and how to get along in decent society...

I see this as neither an exclusively male or female responsibility, and neither gender is excluded from blame. It is the job of BOTH parents to teach their young men and women how to live and love responsibly, but sadly, there seems to be so much confusion amongst adults on how this is accomplished that they have little to no credibility with their children. Role models for girls these days are ballbusters who have no need for men, and the men seem to come across as either simps or gangsters. How did we get to this place in our world today? There is no hope for raising good and decent teenagers when they have no one to look up to for guidance...

Answer 6

This seems to be a well thought out manifesto. The one thing that is not mentioned is the years of cultural traditions, in other groups of our society. These are groups which we welcome into our country, and say that they must be allowed their cultural differences, which allow all these things which you speak out against. If we are to behave as you suggest, we must make these people conform to our ideals, and not fall back on their traditions.

Answer 7

This reads like an old-fashioned manifesto for Sicilian/Taliban/Saudi Arabian men. The subject is never discussed. "It is a matter of honour" we are told, and has nothing to do with us.

The parapgraph from Germaine Greer's review of Steve Jones "'Y':Descent of Man" that I used in defense of feminism yesterday, by coincidence begins like this:

" The truth is out. Men are much more trouble than they're worth. Sisters are doing it for themselves. Discarded males of all ages loiter in the streets, looking for trouble to get into and finding no lack of it. Male security guards shoot male football fans in Bratislava, male fans howl racist abuse and hurl chairs at each other, males train as suicide bombers, male heads of state stroll about discussing whether they could get away with
another shooting war on the women and children of Iraq, and their male flunkies zoom around the world trying to talk other males into joining in.
The Beltway Sniper turned on those"children" ejected from school for threatening to kill their teachers are actually boys. It doesn't do to say so. A kind of mad squeamishness prevents us from quantifying the nuisance value of maleness, possibly because if you actually tell men that they are damned nuisances, they are likely to behave even worse. What can be the root cause of all this male dysfunction? Feminism, that's what. When feminism
came along and drew women out from under men, men found themselves in freefall. Liberated women could change their own light bulbs and tap washers
and engine oil, so men felt unwanted. Women who could earn a decent living could get their own mortgages and buy houses on their own, so they did and do, in their millions. No wonder men went off in an enormous sulk, refused to do their homework or tidy their rooms, ran round the streets shouting and
screaming and writing on walls, balked at committing themselves in relationships, and wandered off into a fantasy world of pornography, sport and grotesquely violent video games. Women made men redundant; redundant tissue inevitably turns malignant."

Behaviour like this has happened for thousands of years, but Steve Jones blames disintegration of a loose gene. It would be useful if our logical, objective and unemotional male of the specie, planned research into a cure, and soon.

Answer 8

you know this movement started when women started saying they didnt want "manly men" and the crap just started getting worse
sad part is i agree with you the world has but a label on men that act like men they are pig bigots and so on but until men and women both realize that a man is going to act the way they act because that is normal its like putting a male lion in a pen with another male lion and wanting them to be lovers they are not
until the liberal media quits "forcing" men to be women the statistics of young boys lashing out will continue to rise

Answer 9

The reason boys are turning out like that is that their fathers are not around, eithier because they cant be bothered, or because cupcake woke up one day deciding "he is not the man I married anymore".
At no time and age in history has violence been discouraged MORE than in the present day. Did we have any Steinhäuser or any of his foreign counterparts back in the day when the world was far more violent ? Nooo we did not despite beeing exposed to violence and massive shellshock or hearing gruesome stories for example about the atrocities commited by the SS children didnt turn into massmurderers or came back from the frontlines as ticking time bombs.
boys need their fathers, there lies the root of the problem.

As for your manifesto it is stupid. So it is cool to be a good chump, pay your almony and child support and not make a fuzz about the fact that she thinks you should go to make room for the new loverboy and future step dad of your child, supporting her all the way.
The way I see it TOO MUCH SUPPORT for women is the root of the problem.

Answer 10

Bravo. You have spoken my mind. Thank you.