My wife (ex)? and I have been split up for the past month now, the marriage has really been rocky for the past 3 years, here is why. I volunteered for duty in Iraq. The entire time I was there she wrote me 5 letters, I was there for a year. While I was gone she cheated, and became pregnant, my decision (rite or wrong) was for her to either loose the kid, or me, she chose to abort the child. I found an email in July on myspace of her talking with her bestfriends brother, flirting and "why didnt we have sex the night that we kissed". She never paid bills, causing us to declare bankruptcy, ruining my credit. She says I treat her like s**t but I tell her it's the effect, of her cause. Now that we're seperated she's "talking" to another guy from her old work, but they're just friends. When I found her email we ended up in a huge fight, yes I lost it, yes I hit her. Im not proud of it. I did get in trouble with the law. I've seen alot in Iraq, and stress from her. Help, what should I do?
2007-08-26 23:54:17 · 20 answers · asked by stevo52979 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
What a horrifying tale.
You can't make a marriage work when the other spouse won't pitch in. Marriage is 100% and 100%. As you know, it takes a lot of negotiating and problem solving for it to work. If she is unwilling to meet you half-way, then you can't make her and need to save yourself and your kids and stay clear.
I think you need to be the best father for your kids and to do that you need to stay out of the house and away from your immature wife.
If you treat her like sh_t, there is no excuse. Your behavior is yours alone to manage, no matter what she or anyone else is or is not doing. You made a choice to lose your temper and you made a choice to put up with her crap. Stop blaming, stop defending, stop tearing each other down and start negotiating the real problem. If you are too mad to listen or negotiate, then the conversation is over and you need to walk until your head or hers is clear again.
There are rules of engagement when it comes to marriage. You are equal partners with equal responsibility to make the marriage and each other your top priority and do all you can to meet each others needs. With that said, each of you are responsible for your own actions and happiness no matter what the other is doing. It is up to you to be happy and up to her to be happy. It is a choice. There is no time for blame, spite, resentment, etc. You either work the problem until there is a solution or you call it a day if you are unwilling.
Thank you for your service to this country. Now do something for yourself. Get someone you can talk to who is a professional about your experiences and learn some effective life skills so you feel in control of your life and can be happy again. Take a break from the chaos that is your marriage and give yourself some much deserved time to relax and plan the next part of your life.
At the least, you guys need a good year separation. If you really want to, while separated, the two of you could meet with a mediator/therapist/counselor and attempt to negotiate the rules of engagement, learn some effective problem-solving skills, agree on roles and responsibilities of each of you in the marriage, come up with a budget and a plan, negotiate responsibilities with house and children, etc. If she wants to go to counseling and do some hard work and you are willing to try, that would be the best start and the most likely way to either find out if the two of you can make it or if you even want to while giving yourself time to cool down and limit the possibility of a repeat performance of your last fight. Take a break. Call a professional and see what your options are, but stay away from your wife. Cool down and give her time to do the same. Do not make any decisions until your head is back on straight.
Nothing will destroy your children's future like what was going on in your home. For them, stay away from your wife until you have professional help and new skills. The kids need security, predictability, love and praise. They can't have any of it if their parents are both derailed. Get some support. Stick by your kids. Have a trusted objective party picking them up/dropping them off for visitation and do not talk to your wife in front of them unless you can both be polite. Make sure neither of you bashes the other to the kids or within hearing of the kids. Make sure the kids know this crap is not their fault. Do not use them as pawns.
The priority right now is not worrying about getting back with the wife. The priority is getting you back healthy and happy again and looking out of your kids. It is not in anyone's best interest for your wife to do the things she is doing or for you to go there and try to force her to change. Her behavior is hers to decide. If she wants this marriage, then marriage counseling it is. You two can later negotiate what that means and come up with plan.
Keep the separation and don't listen to what she says as much as what she does. You don't have to make a decision right now. Give yourself some time to get your head on. Call in all the support you need to do it. You deserve to feel loved and happy. Start with you, then your kids, and if you want to, your wife. You two will either be best friends and partners who put each other as their first priority and who can negotiate to have their needs met for mutual happiness or you need to scrap it. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You first.
2007-08-27 00:30:38 · answer #1 · answered by whereRyou? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello,,to get back together for the sake of your children is not a good idea. I believe that you really do care ,but the fact is she has done the dirty deed and this will haunt your relationship now and forever. Your children will not be the same partially because of the outside the family relationships,and because of the violent reactions they have been thrown into between you and her. This is very hard but you must understand you are not alone with this problem. If you do reconcile with her you will always have the thought of lying,cheating,hurting with you. You have a difficult decision to make .I tried this before and it did not work out the way I thought it would. The other guy factor will bring you down, and a violent reaction could put you in prison ,since you hit her, you would not hesitate to HIT him, and this anger will not be good for your children's future . Be all you can be, as a Father .
2007-08-27 00:13:57 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do not go back for the children's sake, unless there safety is at risk then you should contact D.C.S.F..It sounds as though you also have anger issues that need to be dealt with. It doesn't matter if its her or if it's because of your training you think it's OK to smack a woman rather than to walk away. That is uncalled for and that issue needs to be resolved before you end up in jail, not being able to help anyone let alone yourself. The woman is a loser and she will get hers don't worry, what she does is also uncalled for.I wish you the best of luck and I want to personally thank you for your tour of duty.
2007-08-27 00:33:21 · answer #3 · answered by Allan C 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi, don't go back because of the children they are resilient.
You have had all these problems with your wife, she isn't trustworthy, faithful. dependable, or even happy. So why would you even think of going back. Being in an unhappy marriage is the worst thing you can do for yourself. You were in Iraq serving our country and look what see did. Move forward in your life as your happiness counts also. Talk to a lawyer about your children and what you can do there, you may even prove her an unfit mother an get full custody.
This may sound to harsh but think of yourself and the children.
Also get therapy for you it can have amazing results.
Blessed be...
2007-08-27 00:13:17 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look, don't be with someone as selfish and horrible as she is.
Be a role model for your children. Love them, and show them how a real relationship is supposed to be.
Find someone who is going to be faithful and treat you decently. She sure as hell isn't doing it...and in the end, you'll end up right where you're at now, anyway.
She isn't going to change. So, why go back?
2007-08-27 04:43:27 · answer #5 · answered by darkening_hope 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I know Iraq may have changed you, and now you hit her =(... I would blame Iraq...yes, I know hitting is wrong, but, so many people have changed because of Iraq =(... I know a guy... from our city... who came home and killed his wife shortly after his time in Iraq was over =(... no excuse, but, Iraq was partly the cause. So much killing and violence people become confused about when it's ok to fight when they come back =(... it's sad...first...you should get counseling for yourself and...and 2, ask her to go with you, and give her an ultimatum... cut the my space chats w/ men, cut off all talk w/ guys even if just "friends" =(... work on your relationship w/ her first, then it will be good for the kids if you can stay together...but, only if she grows up and stops talking to men...! good luck...=) ps...I think she should have placed that child for adoption...=(... she will live with regret =(... but I know God will forgive her if she asks...=)
2007-08-27 00:14:46 · answer #6 · answered by elvlayarvvi fEisty wife and mom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No way, if you only do this for the kids they will come out of this so f u c k e d u p if you get back with her it should be out of love and nothing else. Your wife sounds a like flaky if you don't mind me saying so.Best thing for you and the kids is to stay separated from her. Some people are not meant to be together and i think that is you and your wife. You married a baby she was not ready to get married you know that now.
2007-08-27 00:22:32 · answer #7 · answered by Teenie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This sounds like a situation that I wouldn't stay in. She is young and is seeking out fun at your expense it seems like. She is doing things with and saying things to other men. I don't know how you feel about that, however if it were my husband doing this he would be completely ignored, gone and forgotten here. I understand that you have a child, however......Why stick around and be the abused. Abuse is bad and to tolerate it is even worse. I am sorry that this has happened to you. You deserve better than 5 letters in one year and a wife that sleeps around.
2007-08-27 00:27:06 · answer #8 · answered by Rein 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stay away from her, she'll sabatoge your every move. Get some form of custody, live your life as if you have your children all the time. Because someday you probably will. Seek some counseling, you need to deal with your anger alittle better, and need to destress from you experience in Iraq. The stuff she has done has nothing to do with you or Iraq. Pleanty of soldiers go to war, and not have thier wives do what yours did. Unfortunatley yours did, her loss... now the only thing you need to do is support your kids, and not bad mouth her around them. It'll be easier than you think to move on, alot easier than dealing with her mental abuse.
2007-08-27 00:57:49 · answer #9 · answered by ~MB~ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wife childrensake 23 28
2016-02-02 05:08:36 · answer #10 · answered by Janean 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel really sorry for her behavior torwards you when u was deployed, this is def. not what a good woman should do to her brave man, she puts every other militarly wife (including me) in a bad light.
You hitting her was wrong, if you couldnt deal with the stress from iraq, you should have went to a professional to talk about it, being there is not an excuse to hit your wife or anybody else. so no, you definately shouldnt go back with her, ya two are simply not meant to be with each other and if you would try go get back with her, you probably will never be happy in your life and so wouldnt your kids cause they can feel if the relationship between their parents is loving or not.
2007-08-27 00:21:32 · answer #11 · answered by Nana 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋