any secrets/suggestions for a successful long-term marriage to American/Westerner man and Japanese woman?

Question

apologies for my grammar.... something about mondays..

thanks so far... advanced tips specific to marriage are preferred... (10 plus years both in Japan and in the relationship)

僕は日本語を話すことができる

ets...2 years in Kagoshima too. still stuggling with Kagoshima ben beyond the basics... (and in a life-time learning process with Japanese)

Answer 1

Patience I think. I don't care about understand culture etc ..stuff. ( maybe it's just me.) I think any marriage will fail if both not try to work their marriage. We are 2 different ppl. Of cause it's not easy at first. But I believe both love is strong enough, will work for a long term.

to Crista.
I just want to mention not only treat "gaijin' as outsider in Japan. Believe or not If you are not native where you live, no matter how long you live even you are Japanese, some ppl treat you as outsider,too. One lady who is a ryokan owner mentioned she from Kumamoto ( Kyushu ) and she married and stay there ( I don't remember where but I remember Tohoku area) over 30yrs but still other ppl treat her as she is outsider. etc. Like you mentioned maybe "laugh" is make things better...

Shazam: I just wondering do you live Kagoshima? You mentioned you speak Japanese .....that makes me wonder if you do live Kagoshima, how do you understand what ppl saying? Because I lived Kagoshima city before about 2years when I was a kid and I couldn't understand at all if ppl speak Kagoshima ben. One teacher always use Kagoshima ben even he knew I don't understand so I had a no clue what he is saying whole school year.

Shazam: We dated '88~and married '93. First year of our marrige my husband often went to fishing . Some years later he told me he needed "alone time" back then. Live in "Gaikoku" was hard enough for me so I know I was mess back then. I hope you find a something relax you and maybe need alone time like my husband did. ( I needed that alone time, too) That may help you, too. Don't think deep. Don't choke yourself. Let out sometimes.....Also My husband love to read. When he is reading, he can't hear. That maybe help us not argue... You know, I'm yaping and he's not listning what I'm saying.

Answer 2

Look at australia. There a generation ahead of us in gender self destruction. But the end result will either be a forced push,backlash by society to reestablish the balance of power(cutting back on women's benefit's at a college level and focusing more on boy's education), or a continuation of this trend. The current pattern doesn't lie. As women get more power they use that power to reduce mens basic human rights. Within another generation men will have similar rights to the rights women and minorities had in the late 1800's early 1900's. The current trend only leads to violence and civil war on a massive scale. History has shown time and time again when ever one group displaces and enslaves another group revolt is all but assured. ----------------------- I do find it amusing though as others mentioned here. When ever girls fail it is the systems fault regardless if there is any evidence of discrimination, but when boys are failing even though there is a large volume of data showing an institutionalized sexism against boys, it is still the "boys fault". I don't really understand the blatant ignorance, but I guess some people have to do what ever it takes so there able to sleep at night.

Answer 3

I don't know, really. I've been married to my Japanese husband for about 13 years. We've had some roughish times, but lately he's been really sweet.

I think it's important for both partners to respect the other.

Also, little bits of thoughtfulness go a long way, but it has to seem thoughtful for the other person! My husband doesn't like to eat very much, so a fancy dinner isn't the way to his heart. But he loves chocolate chip cookies, or if I wash his car for him. And I love it when he gets me a potted flower for my birthday, or brings the car around for me when he knows I'm going out.

It's also important to plan for the future together, and listen to each other's opinions. I also think it's important for each partner to be a bit independent (not joined at the hip). They bring so much more to the marriage that way. I'm going to start a new job Monday after having been a housewife for most of our marriage, and he seems really proud and supportive of that. I never really guessed that that would please him!

Basically, though, any marriage boils down to two people. You or she may try to blame your problems on "well, he's American, so he can't possibly do it any other way" or "she's Japanese, so that's all she knows." But, within the States or Japan, there's an infinite variety of couples, and they all have different values they hold dear. Knowing what works will take discussion and careful experimentation on both of your parts.

Hope that makes some sense.

Answer 4

It takes two to tango...

There is no best partner but the one who knows how to lead will end up with happy, long lasting marriage. If one fall, the other can lead and make the sacrifice.
love and support one another, honor the marriage vow and pray for one another in good and bad times,appreciate each other. No blame game...
this is not a secret...When two get married, they became ONE, decision making, plans, making change for the sake of the partner like cultural differences...are part of these..
Being single and being happy is not a problem..but being single and lonely?
God bless the marriage..this is all about relationship. The willingness to make sacrifices and change. To learn from the differences and sometimes acceptance..that there are things that we couldn't change but things that we could learn to live with and appreciate..than losing someone that we once loved.
Divorce is in high rate..for many reasons...but if we know what causes and we have tools to save the marriage...like faith.
Bless you and your future plans.

Answer 5

Well, if you are living in the U.S., the Japanese woman will have to learn American customs and ways, as well as the English language, and will have to deal with the differences. If the man emigrates to Japan to be with her, he will have to do likewise for Japan.

I'm married to a Japanese man and found that our main differences come NOT from nationality but rather from the differences between male and female. Both of you have to work to complement the other in marriage. You have to care about each other's happiness and work towards that--always think about how the other person must be feeling.

If I had to pinpoint one thing, though, I would say HUMOR. Humor is VERY important. If you can't laugh at every situation, at each other, and yourselves, it's very easy to brood (of course, venting is healthy sometimes too, so it's useful if you can talk about anything with each other!).

I've learned about Japan, have the customs and language down, but I don't like it much here (mainly don't like the "outsider" treatment). But this doesn't affect my marriage at all (even though my husband is a true-blue Japanese guy who is quite proud of the fact), because we can both take the bad situations we run into and laugh about them--for example if someone harasses me for being Caucasian in the train, that night my husband and I brainstorm all the funny things I COULD have said or done (but actually would never do). Sometimes it is a real riot. Humor helps you cope with the problems of your life situation in a healthy way, and is awesome for getting over any cultural riff like that in a relationship that requires you to move.

Answer 6

If by "secret" you mean something quick & easy, then I hate to break the news to you: there's no quick and easy solution.

My suggestion/advise for a successful marriage (any marriage, but even more important for one where the languages spoken are so different) is: communication.

In this particular case, it means the American/Westerner should learn Japanese (and I mean REALLY learn it via immersion — pidgin Japanese is not useful for serious spousal conversation) and ideally the Japanese partner should learn English.

Since marriage is "until death do you part," you've got years to learn it. If you're living in Japan and studying hard and using it every day for most of your conversation, it should take you about five years to become fluent. If it takes you longer than that, then you aren't studying or practicing and using it enough.

Do not let the language learning burden fall on one person. Don't say "Oh she's learning English and we're in the U.S. now so I don't need to learn Japanese anymore." Laboring hard to learn another's language is a form of respect and love and shows a desire to deeply understand the other.

If you're learning the language, you don't need to worry about learning all the customs (shoes, chopsticks, etc) and culture because you'll learn those naturally as your language ability progresses. Knowing to take off your shoes, use chopsticks, etc., pales compared to being able to speak the language anyway.

The divorce rate between Japanese and non-Japanese is >70%.

While that rate is shocking, you need to put it in perspective: the vast majority of these failed marriages is between military and Japanese seeking to see the world. Both parties are too young, too naive, and have unrealistic expectations of what an "international" marriage is like.

There are tons of support group bulletin boards in Japanese for Japanese spouses to talk about problems with their non-Japanese spouse (usually male).

For hints as to where the most common marriage problems occur, I suggest you read these. Ignore the ones in English. You want the other side's perspective, not your own.

Answer 7

Yeah, learn how to use chop sticks and and the customs of the Japanese way. Her pernets are really gonna look down on you first since your American and all but yeah asides from that its pretty chill.
Oh yeah and here's a list of absoloute no noes
#1 Never ever! Stick your chopsticks into your bowl of rice, I know it looks convenient but to the Japanese it means death.
#2 No shoes in the house!
#3 Be humble and bow instead of the good ol American handshake it means a lot to them.
#4 If you don't like baseball learn to like it haha Japanese are really hardcore baseball fans.
#5 Remember not all of us like manga and anime
#6 Never ride the train at 7:30am - 10:00am unless you wanna know what a sardine feels like.
#7 Shushi is good
#8 Just be a good and loving husband

Answer 8

Honestly, you have to be flexible culture wise. i don't know where you will live, but for many Japanese the transition out of their culture is difficult in the long run. For short times they love it. If staying in Japan realize that they are used to a set of rules based on the group while us westerners are more individualized. You will have to bite the bullet sometimes and accept that you won't win sometimes because you just can't see the other point of view. PAtience ,patience patience.

Answer 9

just respect eachother and try to understand other culture.
we met 15 yrs ago. lol
we are just a friends for long time and married 8 yrs ago.
i didnt like him for 2~3 yrs. we fought a lot. but later we get married.
he's sooooo stubborn.(me too!) but he do know how to love people.
we still fight sometimes but its ok.
we are totally different personality but we do know how to respect others.
you wanna marry with japanese woman??

*yea patience is most important thing.
and i have one trick.
ganko people dont listen to anybody's opinion when they are arguing. so first, you just listen to them. and later (not same day! sometimes i wait for more than 1 week!!) you talk to her/him. you just check their mood and talk. it works!!
you cant argue with them. they just dont listen!! lol

Answer 10

Not to forget Japan is a country for female and the top God at Ise shrine is Amateras, also female. Never forget.
(That's why lots of western ppl call Japan as "she"?).