separated and then got back together after your spouse started dating other people? how do you build trust in your relationship again? to add to that, if the other person says things when you argue like; you are not very attractive right now and threatens leaving again, etc.?
How do you help yourself? do you work it out until the end or do you start planning to go?
2007-08-26 17:44:42 · 20 answers · asked by Alena 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The other person is trying to control what you say and do. There are 4 stages in trying to control someone. They don't always go in this order, except for the last one, it is always the last one. First if the controller doesn't get their way they begin name calling and belittling, if that doesn't work then they begin guilt tripping you, if that doesn't work then they become angry, if that doesn't work last but not least they threaten abandonment.
So the other person is a controller. It is not pleasant living around someone who is. You have to learn their game first and then you have to learn how to stand up for yourself and not be controlled.
If you don't you will find yourself censoring what you say, because you don't want the controller to abandon you. You will walk on egg shells around them, not wanting to upset the apple cart. You will resent yourself for not saying what you think. That is a miserable way to live. People only do to you, what you allow. Draw your line in the sand today.
2007-08-26 18:49:12 · answer #1 · answered by Sweet Suzy 777! 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First thing I'd do is go take a good honest look at myself in the mirror.
Next, think about the separation. Something tells me, if I remember, it takes TWO to agree on a separation. So, if you're hung up on them dating other people while you were separated, you share equally in the blame.
If they're saying you aren't attractive right now while you're arguing, maybe you need to change tactics, try to be reasonable, and act like an adult for goodness sakes. You very well might NOT be attractive when you're all bent out of shape. Take a time out, settle down, and address it later.
This is a classic break down of communication. Been there and done that with my wife before and it almost made me a single man.
Try this.... think about what YOU'RE doing wrong, be honest with yourself and your partner. You can't control the way someone else acts, but you should be able to control yourself.
Remember, every time you point your finger at someone, there's 3 more pointing back at you.
When my wife and I stopped blaming each other for the problems we had, and began to accept and discuss our own mistakes, we stopped fighting and began to look for solutions.
Good luck!
2007-08-27 01:01:05 · answer #2 · answered by wentfishing2 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes and the bottom line is you don't do it on your own or it will just never work out.
If you BOTH wish for things to work, your going to have to BOTH seek outside help in order to rebuild this marriage.
This means seeing a therapist for marriage counseling.
It will be well worth the time and nominal fee.
On top of the marriage counseling i also suggest individual therapy for yourself. This will be valuable in the Trust process. If you learn trust yourself, it will open the door to other avenues of the trust spectrum.
2007-08-27 01:06:54 · answer #3 · answered by LM 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well I have cheated on my husband 2 times in the past and he always forgave me. Then we started going to church together and now were on our way to having a baby. We let go of the past and never bring it up again. Sometimes I threaten to leave him but I know I shouldnt cause every time I do he runs after me and I know he loves me and cares about me and will never cheat on me but I cant help that Im such a jealous person
2007-08-27 01:18:58 · answer #4 · answered by Southern Cowgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, and I don't think I could. If we're separated, then why would he go date other people? Separation doesn't equate to the same thing as divorce. He is still liable to the marriage, therefore he is not free to do what he wants until he as a court ordered divorce in hand.
2007-08-27 01:43:11 · answer #5 · answered by Hoping he will bless me with #1 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, the trust issue is very hard when things have happened after you have split up...this does take time...if you want to stick it out it may take a while...but if you feel that it is not good for you to stay than work on finding a way to get out...Maybe you can be just friends...
2007-08-27 00:52:09 · answer #6 · answered by Spuds 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Show him in all your ways that you really love him. Try the same things that attracted each of you to each other in the first place and do them all over again. Constantly tell him he is all you will ever need and want.He'll turn it around. He always comes back doesn't he? Well thats your man and I would fight to the finish to keep him. Hang in there. Love Rules.
2007-08-27 01:05:18 · answer #7 · answered by MissBadto_ the bone 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't sound like a good idea getting back together with such a person who demoralises you personally. Perhaps the second time around is just not for you.
Start rebuilding your life first and then go.
2007-08-27 01:13:43 · answer #8 · answered by Hani 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to say. You can try counseling and you can try staying calm when he gets angry to hear him out and respond later. That way, you both won't say things you regret. Tell him how that destroys the trust you are trying to build with him.
Give it as much time as you can and try to focus on the good things that you do have together. Sometimes,though, people just aren't meant to be together.
2007-08-27 00:55:07 · answer #9 · answered by LaraLara 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If it didn't work the first time round, it won't work the second time round. Golden rule in life is never go backwards in life to what was, because it will never work out, therefore you should always move forward in life. I think you should start planning your exit.
2007-08-27 01:10:24 · answer #10 · answered by Live_For_Today 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋