I am almost 30 years old and I still feel the pressure of my overbearing mother who can't understand that I have a life of my own. I have searched for answers but my situation is a bit unique. Not only is my mother overbearing, controlling and manipulative, but she also has a string of mental issues. She constantly nags anyone she can, constantly complains etc... so put simply she is not a pleasant person. I am at my wits end. if I confront her about it (which I have in the past) she just ends up in the psychiatric ward and blames me for it. Lately I have been trying to distance myself from her and I know she's catching on. When she asks why, what am I supposed to tell her? We have talked extensively in the past but nothing changes so I'd be wasting my time. She considers me a disappointment and normally I wouldn't care but I'm tired of hearing her 'opinion' on everything. How can I tell her to back off without making things worse?
2007-08-26 16:55:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Sorry, I should have added that I do live on my own and am independent. I bought a car and a house and I also have a decent job so it's not like my lifestyle is filled with drugs/booze/whatever. If it was then I could understand someone being disappointed with me and intervening to help.
2007-08-27 01:43:01 · update #1
Well, you can always move out right? I think that would be best.
2007-08-26 17:06:01 · answer #1 · answered by ~~~Tara~~~ 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
It's common for mothers to feel like they have to "mother" their grown children. Let's face it, you'll always be their "baby." Your case is a little different given there is an apparent history of mental illness.
Perhaps your mother is terribly insecure about her relationship with you and is desperately trying to stay a part of your life. My advice to you is to allow her to say her piece on whatever the topic of the day is, thank her for her opinion and move on. Don't argue with her or try to justify YOUR position, just allow her to make her point as long as she is not being verbally abusive. If THAT happens, immediately and calmly inform her that she is not to speak to you like that and end the conversation by either leaving or hanging up.
It's important to remember, you cannot control someone else's behavior. You can only control your own actions. Hopefully if your mother can get to the point that she feels like she's still a part of your life then you will be able to enjoy a healthy relationship with her. It is unfortunate that she is not able to appreciate the adult you have become.
Hang in there and good luck =)
2007-08-26 18:53:49 · answer #2 · answered by scorpianne 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Boundaries, my dear, boundaries.
When you were a small kid, your mother set boundaries. Now your mother requires you to set boundaries for her. She won't like them any more than you did, but they are necessary.
Next time she comes out with her blurb, you say "Mother, I've had enough of this. I am 30 years old. It is time you began treating me like the adult I am. If you can't do that, I shall have no choice but to leave you alone for a few months so you have time to digest the idea. Don't even think of trying to guilt trip me. You are entirely responsible for yourself, and nothing you do is my fault, just like nothing I do is your fault. Can we conduct our relationship in a sensible adult manner, or not?" If she starts up, say "Clearly not. I will call you again in a month time and will expect a better answer." Then you leave, and if she puts herself in a psych ward, that's her own business. Then call after a month, and repeat until she gets the idea.
Your mother didn't negotiate boundaries with you when you were a kid, because boundaries aren't negotiable. So you don't negotiate with yours either. If you have to do this, I suggest the minute you walk out, you get on the phone to your relatives and tell them what you've done and assure them you will call her again in a month. Don't enter into negotiations with them either. Don't be guilt tripped. They'll learn eventually. If you don't take crap, people stop dishing it to you, mothers included :) It's important though, that you do ring in exactly a month, especially because of her mental illness. A month is a long time, but it may just take her that long to get over her tanty about it.
2007-08-26 17:12:19 · answer #3 · answered by Rosie_0801 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm 43 and i swear my mother is the spawn of satin. lucky for you ( i mean this) your mother has emotional issues that you may or may not blame this on.. but you did mention manipulative and confronting her leads to a back-lash of guilt from you, as if you stuck her in the hospital..she chooses her actions, just as you do yours. the 12 step program has great in-sight, but the first step is perfect. WE are POWERLESS , we cant change our mothers, But we can choose to change how we re-act or not. sadly it sounds like your mother will seek any attention,? negative attention is still attention right? well I'm 43 and just learning or wising up to mothers poor lack of kind human being. we didn't choose our mothers, but we do have choice to make today better than yesterday...:o)
2007-08-26 17:48:57 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, I would try to stay away from her as much as possible. She will ask why--I am sure. Tell her the real reason--that she is too controlling and you will continue to distance yourself for this reason. You cannot and should not let her rule your life and make your life miserable. Just my opinion. (Get caller ID and do not answer the phone)
2007-08-26 17:07:50 · answer #5 · answered by old_woman_84 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm 52 years old, and I threaten to run away from home if my mommy gives me a hard time.
.
2007-08-26 17:26:34 · answer #6 · answered by Wise@ss 4 · 1⤊ 3⤋