How is this POEM?

Question

I have been posting my poems in yahoo answers to get honest reviews.This is my third poem.Please, write your reviews.Thanks.
"twisted love"
walking through this neighborhood with the beloved
so sweet dreams, so proud, so moved
we made envys in the spring of dove
oh! they called it "a shakespearean love"

blossoming with flowers in the quiet evening
in the affair of hearts, the words of giving
tears of joy when we were shared
the swear of life after life to be paired

hurt in love? yes, took me from home to street
wandering nights, hiding days try not to meet
the same neighbors showed hatred once so near
planting the flower of love, forever, faraway o' dear?

Chet Raj Gurung

Answer 1

I understand you are trying to tell a story, but the story, apart from "love lost" I am not grasping, especially the how and why. You are drawing our attention to this neighborhood as a reflection of that relationship, a symbol perhaps, but what it has to do with the relationship failing, I don't know.

I have written similar, obscure verse in the past, primarily because it served me better to dance around what my heart was aching to express rather than to simply speak it out as poetry begs us to do. Sitting in a diner with five or six friends while you write poems of failed love is a great way to be obscure because anyone can glance over at what you are writing--the obscurity becomes a sort of game.
But do not mistake that obscurity for truly symbolic poetry, or well exercised allusion in poems. They are not the same.
It is fitting that you included "hiding" in the poem, because that is what you seem to be doing--hiding from those very sharp feelings because the naked expression in black and white scares you--not with their depth, but rather with your own frightful clinging on to them for their own sake.
Free yourself!
These emotions are not your identity!
Free yourself by CAGING them in verse where they are pasted down and tamed, and most of all SEPERATE from you.
This is a growth every poet of your temperament must experience. It is when you find out whether poetry is your passion or just your shield.

This poem can be much more if you only put bones beneathy it's flesh.

Answer 2

hurt in love? yes, took me from home to street
wandering nights, hiding days try not to meet
the same neighbors showed hatred once so near
planting the flower of love, forever, faraway o' dear?..I like it.

Answer 3

you need to edit, not just create poetry -
you can boil all this to 3 lines

blossoming flowers in the quiet evening
life after life taken
hurt forever, still far away

if you use this, please give me credit as co-author.

you can do a variety of things, this is just an example.

your poem is too wordy - you need to put the most power into the fewest words. if the words don't help the point then delete them.

It's ok to brainstorm, but then you need to edit your work.

remember poems are like a snapshot

thank you.

Answer 4

Try again! It's only for you alone, this one. Doesn't make sense cuz your words don't relate to each other and do not make any kind of picture. Third line, first stanza; 4th, 2nd ; and more. Well makes no sense at all. You tricked me and I'm pissed. You neeed to be pulverized a bit like Beetle Bailey. Your poetry mentor might do that for you. I however will not be fooled again no matter if he does or not.

Answer 5

I would advise you to work on your rhymes. Many of them don't work, such as beloved and moved. Also, even out your line length. I would try one of the poetic forms ... I think ruba'i. Look it up on wikipedia and give it a shot.

Answer 6

I think it needs a tiny bit more originality. As a love poem, it's good.

Answer 7

It shows pure originality!!

Answer 8

you not very clear on what's happening. it sorta jumped around to what i thought were diff issues

Answer 9

you gotta ignore idiots like Evan. i dont think its lame...............it just kinda needs work......honestly. its pretty good though. ill give you a 8.

Answer 10

It's lame.