what does he want?!?!?

Question

ok, my BF and i have been tegehter and madly in love for 3 years. we know were going to be tegether forever. we always tlak about it, and he hints about how he is saving money for someting big. im assuiming its a ring. lol. ;) anyways, he is really good to me, and im really good to him. well lately he has been complaining about me not making enough money! i just graduated college with a degree with Social work and im makign $12 an hour. well his dad owns a construciton company and he works for his dad at about $18an hour. he made me feel real bad today, cus i said :"isnt it weird that this is going to be it 4ever. me and you working at these jobs and stuff" and he said "well IM going to be well off NO MATTER WHAT! YOU might be fine beign poor but IM NOT!" i was shocked. he always talks about WE he never says i. but he did today and it really bugged me. i tried to talk to him about it, but he didnt want 2 he got pissed at me. and said we have different expectaitons. does he want 2 split

Answer 1

Financial issues are one of the primary reasons that relationships fail, so you are in good company. Your instinct that something is going on is probably correct. It may not be that he wants to break up but rather that there is something going on with financial stress, or where your goals are. He may wonder why you have a 4 year degree and are not making more money. Having the conversation will be really important. If the issue is about fear of money issues you might want to explore with him job opportunities you have to make more money in social work. Though 25K is actually not a bad starting salary for a BSW. Also your combined income of over 60K puts you way above poverty. So you might check with him about what he is really looking for. What kind of life does he want to have. Finally a question as you asked it can put a man into an interesting position of is this it...is this my life? It often creates an existential moment. Women often want this stability and some men find it potentially limiting. This does not mean he does not love you, but rather he is confronting that reality of this being his life. Have the convo. Use those social work skills to stay open and listen. DA

Answer 2

I was on the other side of this equation and yes it means that he is considering a split. Since he doesn't want to talk to you directly about this subject, you should ask him a few questions at opportune times to get a feel for whether the two of you have the same life expectations
1) does he wants his wife to stay home with the kids or work.
2) if the wife works with kids, who does the house work, who pays for the child care, who transports the kids, etc.
3) what kind of vacations does he want
4) what kind of house does he want to purchase and at what age. where will the down payment come from. will both your names be on the title and the mortgage.
5) checking accounts - shared or seperate - who handles the finances -savings, kids college
6) decisions about big item spending. what about day to day expenses -you shopping at the mall, him golfing - I purposely am naming stereotypical items to make the point that you need to find out if the differences are serious.

I married someone who was not the least bit ambitious. Live and let live - right. But guess what, I carried the burden of financial responsiblity for our family. We had discussed and planned for someday me making a career change, but he never stepped up to the plate. After 10 years, I finally forced the issue to the forefront by changing jobs and taking a pay cut. Do you know what he told me after I had provided for him and his two boys all those years - He would get health insurance for himself, but I was on my own. I did take care of my own health insurance and everything else, including a divorce. I am telling you this story only because I think your BF is at this same mental stage toward you.

I read something from a relationship book and it went something like this - if he isn't willing to stand beside you when times are easy, where do you think you will be left when the going gets tough?

Answer 3

Yeah...he sounds like an immature brat that likes to run that mouth a lot...especially about how much money he's making. On top of that, he's disrespecting you and your income. $12 an hour for a Social Worker is decent income and he should be glad you're doing something meaningful with your life and shouldn't be complaining. All I can tell you is that you should discuss this with him and let him know how it affects you. Let him know that he's disrespecting you and that he should be happy that you've chosen a job that helps people and that you are making decent money...maybe less than him, but SO WHAT !! He's the one with the problem. If he can't understand this and keeps it up with the bashing of your income and job, then I'd say "good riddance" to his butt. If he decides to stay that way and refuses to listen to your point of view, I'd move on. You could find a more respectful relationship with someone who appreciates you and what you do in life.

Answer 4

"he hints about how he is saving money for someting big. im assuiming its a ring" Never ASSume, he could be saving up for a new car. Talking about being together in the future doesn't mean it is going to happen. He obviously has plans for his life that doesn't include making only $18 an hour.

Answer 5

I think your careers and income should be something you can discuss without tempers rising, if you plan living together in the future. You should also be willing to support each others' career choices. And he should know if he wants to be with you regardless your income.
Your careers and income are very concrete factors in your everyday life. You will have to balance them every single day until your retirement. It is a long row of days ahead.

If he decides he wants to split it is his choice, his values should be what he bases his decisions on. The same goes for you: what do you want? You have chosen your career - probably knowing you will not be making big bucks. Do you want to live with a person who rather sees you doing something that pays better, but that doesn't maybe give you the fulfillment one gets from doing the work one is good in, and filling ones own place in the community?

Answer 6

You two need to have a serious discussion about this. The worst thing you could do is let it go, because it WILL come up again.

He obviously has issues with money. He doesn't want to be poor, and it sounds like he's afraid that the majority of the expenses of being married and having a family are going to fall on him. These really are all valid concerns, but he's taking is worries out on you, which isn't fair.

Talk to him about it, maybe all he needs is someone ease his mind.

Answer 7

Listen, he's making more money than you so of course he is mad because he feels like you are not pulling your weight. I would advise you to do what you feel is right for yourself because if he should leave you tomorrow, you still have to wake up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror. Sometimes we have to encourage ourselves even when nobody else will. You have a job and hopefully you enjoy what you do and that should be your concern because again, if he decides to leave tomorrow then what have you saved up to prepare for such a time as that? The bills will still be due every month and you will still have to pay them whether he is there or not so again, I would advise you to do what you got to do and be happy with who you are as a person as well as the things you have accomplished in your life.

Answer 8

It sounds like your boyfriend has changed his attitude towards life since leaving the academic world. You might want to just cool it for a while and consider whether or not you want to spend your life with someone who has a different goad in life than you do.

Answer 9

It sounds like he looks down on you. You have a career and that's a great acomplishment. He needs to appreciate that you work no matter what you make. He might just expect you to make more, but if you're happy with what you are doing and what you are making: that's all that matters. Forget him!

Answer 10

You need to find out what he wants exactly! If he does not respect you and you are happy with yourself then maybe you need to move on.. He is no better then you! (By the way, I have the same name as you except I spell mine Darragh.. I do not hear it that often)