Don't Like Her Friends?

Question

My 13 year old niece is now living with me and goes to a nice private school that doesn't wear uniforms (it does have a strict dress code though.) My niece made friends with girls I don't approve of them. They are 13 or 14 and trash talk the teachers, get bad grades, stay out past cerfew, give back talk and act like the school's preps. My niece joined the "group" and now she's sort of acting with them. How can i encurage her to hang out with better friends? Some of them smoke and the 14 year olds drink. I am her gaurdian and are worried. She's gone to a few parties that she said were chaparoned but that was before I found out about the drinking and drugs. I have two small children (2 months and 1 1/2.) and I don't want them getting hurt.

She is not aloud to go to anymore parties, but I think she sneaks out and goes anyway. I caught her talking to a friend about smoking behind the library and didn't know what to do!

She also brings this boy over to dinner twice a week and when she's not with her friends or talking with her friends she's talking or with him.

I can't pull her from the school because the public schools in my area are worse.

I can't pull her from the school because the public schools in my area are worse.

She has had the sex talk and understood it. She got it when she was 8 and someone at school brought up the topic so she asked my sis about it and my sis explained.

I have heard of Girl Positive.

Answer 1

You need to make it so she cant sneak out, put a lock on her window, an alarm on the doors of yor place and do not tell her the code.

Sit her down and talk to her, maybe she is very lonely and fitting in with the in crowd is a cover up for how she is coping with new school, obviosuly a new living situation and maybe other emotional issues associated with being a teen girl.

Get her a counselor outside of the school she can talk to - go talk tot he counsellor your self once, explain your issues - then go to the counsellor together and set up boundry's - make it a rule that the counsellor will NOT tell you anythign she says - so she feels comfortable talking openly and honestly with them.

Set up ground rules about where she can go on her free time - taht the parent of said friend must call to confirm she is going to be there, call and check on her if you have too, if she lies to yuo, take away the priviliedge of going to friends places, tell her she can bring 1 friend over to your place when you are there - is she still is sneaking around take away priviledges until she realizes her actions are having consequences.

About smoking - if you want to prevent her from smoking dont give her cash to spend on anything (you cant track it) if she buys schoollunches see if they have loadable cards they use or if you can prepay or be billed for her lunches. If she gets an allowance open up bank accounts a savings and a checking one and deposit her spending limit each week into the checkign oen and give her the card to spend you can watch online where she spends it - to make sure she isnt where she shouldnt be (the mall on a monday at 1pm when she should be in gym class or a bad arcade with druggies that hang out maybe) - make it a rule she cannot use it at atm machines or it will be taken away as well.

Involve her in an activity she use to enjoy - dance, soccor, gymnastics, maybe even band or an art class something that she will not hate even if she grumbles about it to your face - but it will be a place to meet people with same interests as her in an environment that is safe and chaparoned by a teacher or a coach of some sort - be sure to advise them that you have had disciplinary issues so if she acts up or sneaks off they will let you know sooner not later.

Lastly plan an activity she won't hate - every other weekend or so, maybe go to an aquarium, the zoo, even a shopping trip to the mall - focus on her, tlak to her like yuo would a girl friend, and listen to her, ask her baout things she is comfortable talking about (these are nt the times for the sex, drugs or smoking talk) these are times for bonding and getting her to realize you are not out to get her, you are there to help her and keep her safe.

Good luck - tough love!

Answer 2

She is going through a stage and she needs to get away from those friends of hers, or things are going to go down hill. If your niece just started living with you, I am thinking that there are some things going on in her life. You need to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist in hopes that this will work. Once teens get hooked with this type of crowd, it is hard to get them away. These people in her eyes are her friends and they "understand" her. She sees them at school, and will do just about anything to fit in, even drugs and sex. Peer pressure is a mother...

Punish her for sneaking out, staying out pass curfew, getting bad grades, being disrespectful at school, etc. Do not make the punishment easy either... honestly, would she rather you punish her or the law. She will hate you now and thank you later on in life when she is not all screwed up on drugs, having a baby at an early age, or suffering from STD. Also, educate her on sex and drugs now!!!! Keep talking to her about it; do not make it a 1 time talk. Make sure that it is installed into her head!!! There is a Lifetime Movie called "Girl Positive." It is about a girl that gets HIV from a one time mistake. Watch that with her.

Also, the parties are more than likely not chaperoned.

Best of luck. They only way you will get her away from that crowd is to pull her from that school. Other than that, educate her as much as possible, go out of your way to talk to her, and remember what it was like to be 13.

Answer 3

Well everyones solution seems to be to pull her out of the school, I cant think of a worse idea.

Whats the first thing you want when somebody says you can't have a chocolate bar? Chocolate!
Whats the first thing she is going to want to do even MORE if you pull her away from all contact with her friends? Hang round them MORE.
I think you should try and change her behavior rather than just try and shut her off from everyone. You just need to make sure that she is aware of all the laws and the risks to what she is doing, and to an extent she needs to be able to make her own mistakes.

Make sure you set curfew, and if she doesn't go by your household rules then impose strict punishments. Despite parents not believing that THEIR kids would, kids WILL experiment with sex and drugs. Just make sure she is aware of the risks.

Answer 4

There has presmably been some conflict or problem in her life that has led to her living with you. Can you sort out some sort of counselling for her? It might be that her self esteem has taken a knock and this is her way of fighting back or that she doesn't feel that 'nice' girls will want to be her friends. What sort of interests has she got? Are you able to help her pursue them so that she feels supported by you and so that she meets a wider range of people? Is she living a long way away from where she used to live - is she able to keep in touch with her old friends or are these friends a problem too (in which case she may feel she doesn't now how to act with a different sort of person) Have you got any friends that she likes or admires that might be able to mentor her? I think it is important that you don't say bad things about her friends, just talk about how self-destructive their behaviour is and the sort of consequences they might face.

Answer 5

You need to pull her out of this school ASAP. The problem with nice private schools is that the kids get bored and they have lots of spending money. They buy alcohol, drugs, etc.

A public school may be better than this. She has to come out of that school or she's going to turn into one of these kids. Now boys? You're just asking for pregnancy. Get her out!

TX Mom
Not an expert, but can see trouble coming!

Answer 6

Don't allow her to go anwhere with them. As far as the boy, you need to have the sex talk ASAP if you haven't already.

Have you asked her what she likes about these girls? Ask her what qualities, etc. she finds cool about them. Let her know your concerns and keep talking to her. (ie: her grades, the way she talks, tell her what you know she is capable of) Just like any kid, she just wants to fit in. Monitor how much time she spends with them and don't allow it to be anywhere but at your house.

I also think it's great that you are having the boy come to your house so you can monitor what goes on. I would give them rules/guidelines that are expected. I would also get to know his parents.

Answer 7

dont let her go out of the house, and if she says she wants to go hang out, make her hang out with you. spend time with her. take her out on a saturday, treat her to a day that she will enjoy and dont bring up anything about not liking her friends or anything like that.

then, when you get home at the end of the day, say, "see how much fun you can have without doing anything behind my back or illegal?" and tell her how you care about her and that when she lies to you and hides things from you, it hurts.

----Good Luck! I hope everything works out!

Answer 8

Have u tried sitting down and talking to her?
Or just asking her y she i hanging out with them
I think she just wants to fit in. well thats just my opnion

Answer 9

tell her you dont want her hanging out with those girls because they are bad influences. who would want friends like that? introduce her to new friends. if you know someone who has kids her age introduce them to her.