Why do I still feel like I am doing the "wrong" thing?

Question

My ex-husband is controlling and verbally abusive. Yet, I still feel like going back to him.

I feel very sad because today would have been our 18th Anniversary. My mother-in-law and he both called and remembered the day.

Yet, I talk to so many people and they say that "things won't change and be the same."

He lives in another state and we have a 15 year old daughter.
Our daughter was living with him up until now.

I feel like taking a stand and just saying to everyone I am going back to put my family back together.

Then, my ex-husband defines the terms on which I have to go back - close bank accts, empty out storage, etc. I feel like I will be micromanaged and controlled again.

Yet, I still feel like just pulling up stakes and going back to him because I will have a family life and some security to be with someone when I get older.

What's wrong with me?

Answer 1

OK....Nothing is wrong with you....

What happens is that you are still clinging to the idea of getting married and living happily ever after...And until you let go of this fantasy, you will continue to feel like this: confused and not knowing if you are doing what is right.

Exes are exes for good reasons.
If you tried to make your marriage work but couldn't , then your mind is playing tricks on you if you even consider going back to the same thing...(Controlled and micromanaged is what you said.) The fact you can SEE this is the first step to not doing it.

I guess I would suggest you go to therapy or counseling...You need to deal with the issues that are stressing you out and making you waste your energy. I am sure you are a very nice lady, and that you deserve to be happy and to live in peace.

You owe it to yourself to try to be as happy as you can- so maybe talking things over with a trained professional can help you overcome these feelings of guilt and unfinished business. Good luck- You will be in my prayers.

Answer 2

What's wrong with you is that you have no self respect or dignity left. I'm not sure where exactly you gave it away, maybe in your childhood. Someone must have abused you so horribly when you were a child that you grew up feeling worthless. That's why you are attracted to an abusive man. . . it's familiar, and you believe that you deserve it because of how worthless you feel.

The important thing is to realize that you are feeling so abnormally desperate for a family life and security, that you are willing to put yourself back into an abusive situation.

I tell you what. .. . . rather than make a decision now, why don't you find a licensed, experienced therapist who can help you sort all of this out. Don't make any decisions until both you and your counselor feel that you are ready.

I don't think you are in a position to be making any big decisions right now. You definitely need help with it.

Answer 3

I've been there.... For me, being an an abusive situation for an extended period of time... became familiar.. and the up and down and up and down ... almost seemed to be addictive.. intoxicating... couldn't stop.... no matter how upset I became. I had become part of the game. For me, it really took a good amount of time away from the cycle for me to break my desire to return. And believe me, once you get to the other side... you'll wonder why in the world you let it go on so long... I'm also doing some work on myself to get some insurance that I will not repeat this mistake..
GO GIRL.. you can do it... you've got a good start.... it's hard, but it will get easier and easier....

Answer 4

Apparently you have very little self esteem and no respect for yourself. You would rather be in an abusive relationship then to be alone. You deserve better....do not go back to this man..it is highly likely that he has changed and you will find yourself back in this very situation. You would be better off getting a dog to have security with. At least the dog will love you unconditionally.

Answer 5

Please don't go back. It will take a while, but you need to learn to live on your own again. If you go back, that isn't taking a stand... it is letting yourself get rolled over. Do you want your daughter to think it is o.k. to be abused and manipulated by a man? Take a stand for her and show her what a strong, proud woman does in the face of mistreatment.

Answer 6

if you have been with him that long of course you will feel like going back to him but no man should treat you like that and your friends are right he will go back to how he was treating you so believe them men like that never change and you just have to think of you and your daughter no one else he just wants someone to control. you are just scared you will end up alone but when u meet a new man that treats you right you will be thinking why the hell did i want to go bck to my ex!!

you have just gotta be strong and remember you dont deserve to be treated that way he should respect you.

Answer 7

Sounds like you are used to him...and are somewhat conditioned to the feeling of being with him. Once you experience the love of a person who doesn't control you - that will be the cure all. Try that first....

Answer 8

Because your ex told you so, but hearing something over and over doesn't make it right. You've been conditioned.

Get a little counseling from a therapist specializing in verbal/emotional abuse. Get yourself back. :)

Answer 9

It sounds like you are addicted to him in a way. You want to go back to him because he is "familiar." Not once in your post did you ever say you loved him. so, what are the true reasons you want to go back to him?

Answer 10

Are you scared of being alone? I dont see any reason to go live like that. I just dont beleive you could be happy living with an asshole.