I am a newly wed and just I just do not like my m-i-l and f-i-l.?

Question

It's not that I dont get along with them, I do, and they love me a lot. But deep within, I cannot compare them to my own parents and I just avoid talking to them sometimes beacuse I feel uncomfortable. What would be the best way to deal with this kind of situation

kerijeanbean - thnx for the answer, my hubby knows noting about it and he's gonna freak out if he does, so its just in my head, i dont think its appropriate to discuss this with him.

Answer 1

I would not totally avoid them but I wouldn't hang out with them either, and you shouldn't compare them with your parents either, no one will ever match up to them. They will want to be involved with their son's life and so that will include you and kids and so on. For the sake of the husband I would try when it is needed. We all have them, I deal with mine as well, but I do love them now, they really got on my nerves at first, but I am glad they are around now. Good luck.

Answer 2

Well just bite your tongue and accept that they are a big part of your life now. You are very lucky that they get along well with you and that they love you so the "problem" lies with you. I know what your feeling because I have felt similar in the past, my mil and fal are drastically different than my parents and I felt uncomfortable around them for a while, until I just let go my preconcieved opinions about them and relaxed. They love you and you should just try your best to return that same love and acceptance that they have given you. Dont compare them to your parents because everyone is different. They may seem very different from your parents and you may think your parents are better when in fact your husband probably deep down thinks his parents are "better". It is only because you are used to your parents and you of course feel more comfortable around them but try to let down your guard and be open to them and you will find that you can have a wonderful, open , loving relationship with them. Good luck!

Answer 3

Understandable. I can see the relationship you have with your parents is strong. You must feel in your subconscious that you are betraying your parents by feeling love for these people. Once you are more immersed in the family you will discover that an adoptive family is every bit as good as the family you were born into. The really cool thing is that they have already accepted you as their daughter (IL) and the transition for you may come a lot quicker because you don't have to win them over. Just keep being your sweet self and you will discover that you really do cherish these people. Not as much as your parents, but as an integral part of yours and your husbands life together.
SIDEBAR: Wait until you have children. Then you will see how nice it is to have two extra sets of hands to help raise your baby.

Answer 4

Its a common problem,and a solution I always take when solving problems is to take a look deep inside your self and ask your self why don't I like them?If it is just minor reasons then work them out,but if it is major issues with the way they act or treat you then confront them and see if that works.No one will ever compare to your own parents so do not judge anyone for that reason.Sometimes having a good relationship with in-laws takes a lot of work.No one said life would be easy so there is no easy answer.

Answer 5

First off stop trying to compare them to your parents. They aren't your parents. At best they can be similar, but they will never compare be it in a good way or a bad way. Once you stop trying to make them your parents in your mind it should be easier to get along with them. Have you talked to you husband about how you feel? He might be able to help you out. After all he has delt with them his whole life and might have some insight for you. Relax. Hopefully you can find some common ground and become friends. Give it some time and hopefully everything will work out.

Answer 6

Wow. You are really getting a beating here. You may be in the wrong for comparing your parents to your in-laws, but of course you would. It is your parents that set your standard of behavior for how people should treat and respect each other. I have done the same in my own situation. Example: my dad is a very quiet and nice mannered kind of man. Never swears, interrupts when you speak, talk down to you. My fil is just the opposite. He is very obscene and makes derogatory jokes about people who are overweight, retarded, women are stupid, kids are stupid, racist, every other word is a swear word. I have a very hard time being around him. My dad set the example for the behavior I expect in a man and my fil does not measure up. I married my husband because he is alot like my dad. It is not so wrong for you to compare, for the most part. As far as how do you deal with the situation? I'm no help there. I just stay away from the in-laws. My husband goes to visit them often, usually w/out me. I just do not deal with that kind of talk and negativity. I used to feel guilty about it, because they are family, but eventually I came to terms with the guilt. It is okay to stay away from family if it is someone who brings you down. But if they are simply annoying, I would say just get over it.

Answer 7

You are a new wife. You don't have to measure up to anything for them. Just be yourself. They love you because their son loves you. Let them see the person that your husband fell in love with. I went through the same thing when I was a new wife seeing as to how I didn't really know the family I married into. We married 6 months from day we met. Just relax and be yourself.

Answer 8

I can't see how you could expect to love people who you have only come to know recently, as much as you love your own parents, who have nurtured you all your life. You probably are just shy. A lot of women would be glad to be able to say that their in-laws love them a lot. You will feel more comfortable with them as you get to know them better.
In the meantime if you continue not to like them then this feeling will be transmitted to them and they will care for you a lot less than they do now.

Answer 9

Why would you want to compare them with your parents? Maybe I do not understand what you are trying to say here. You did marry into a family. So you need to learn how to deal with your feelings. Uncomforable how? It is your own insecurities? Without more information you sound like you are just complaining without any valid reasons.

Answer 10

Your IL's are the people who raised your husband. Like them at least for the good job they did raising him.

Get a handle on your feelings in this regard as soon as you can or it can ruin your marriage. Take that to the bank!!

Remember, your husband has very close ties to his parents. They were there for him before you came along. He is committed to them both. He trust's them.

Do you feel possessive? Controlling? Once you isolate the feeling you have towards them, you can deal with it. Quickly!