Can you read this and tell me how i can improve it?

Question

Im in year 11 (15 y/o) and this is for english.
Can you tell me how i can improve it please?
sorry its kinda long!

January sales

Amy was sitting on the back seat of her mums car, she could faintly hear the sound of the radio underneath the sound of the own ipod. She looked around her. In the front passenger seat Amy’s dad was snoring softly, from time to time he made a strange grunt. Her brother was sitting next to her in baggy jeans and a white top which looked that he has picked up from his bedroom floor. His hair was gelled lazily. He was half asleep, looking out of the window, ‘I don’t need to buy anything mum. I don’t need to go,’ he kept on moaning.
But his mum pretended not to hear him, she was to busy driving, while humming happily along to the radio, her big smile on her face. One of the things that made Amy’s mum different to the rest of the family was that she couldn’t resist a bargin. Whenever she saw a sale she had to buy something, even if
Conitued....

it was something she didn’t need. That’s why they were all stuck in the car, to go to the big shopping market – it was the first day of the January sales.
‘Ok everyone’, she said as she poked Amy’s dad awake, ‘when were there we’ll split into two groups, me and Amy, and Paul, you take James round.’ Amy sighed quietly, she knew that her dad and her brother wouldn’t really bother with this, and today she didn’t want to either. ‘Can’t I go with dad and then James goes with you mum?’
‘No’, James said suddenly awake, ‘I mean, mum will be better shopping with you.’ Amy looked at him annoyed; she knew that there was no way changing her mum’s mind now.
They had finally arrived at the shopping centre, deciding on a time and a place to meet, both groups went to their different stores. ‘Why don’t you get this?’ Amys Mum asked her. Amy looked at the grey knitted cardigan she was holding up,
‘No, I don’t really like that kind of thing.’
‘Really? I think it’s really nice!’
Continued...

‘No. But these are nice!’ Amy held up a pair of jeans and a pink top. ‘Can i get these? Please!’
‘Erm,’ Amy’s mum took a while to answer, amy thought she might have offened her saying the grey cardigan was horrible. ‘Well, if you really –’
‘I’ll get the cardigan as well’ Amy said, tring to cheer her mum up, it seemed to work though.
‘Ok then!’ Her mum said, with the smile back on her face, ‘Lets go and look over there as well.’
It took them about 45 minutes to get everything they wanted, but finally they made there way out side to find Amy’s dad and brother already there. Her mum looked at the bag they had, then at the 5 bags they had. ‘What did you get?’ she said, trying not to seem disappointed they didn’t get much.
‘Trainers for me, and a top for dad’
‘But it was a tough decision of which ones to get’ Her dad added quickly, noticing the disappointed look on his wife’s face.
They got in the car and headed back home.

The radio had been turned on and Amy’s mum was talking about all the things she had bought. But Amy was wondering how she could get out of wearing the grey cardigan she didn’t want.


Thanks!!!

uhh... wiseone, i have done my own homework ^^ cant you read.

Answer 1

January sales

Amy was sitting on the back seat of her mums' car. She could hear the faint buzz of the radio underneath the song she is currently listening to on her ipod. She observed the surroundings. In the front passenger seat, her dad was snoring softly, grunting in his sleep from time to time. Her brother, James was sitting next to her in his worn-out baggy jeans and a slightly stained white T-shirt that looked that looked like it was picked up from his bedroom floor. His [colour] hair was gelled and spiked lazily. He was facing the window and kept drifting in and out of his sleep while constantly mumbling in his sleep,

‘I don’t need to buy anything mum. I don’t need to go,’

On the other hand, Amy's mum was busy driving, humming happily along to her favourite song on the radio, with a huge smile plastered to her face. Sometimes, she would go on sing in and out of tune without even noticing it. Besides that, her mum is known for being a shopaholic who couldn’t resist a bargain. She would know if there was a sale going on somewhere and buy something that she thought was a good bargain, eventhough she didn't really need it. That is why they were stuck in the car, on a way to a shopping mall as it was the first day of the 'January sales'.

‘Ok everyone! Wake up! we're here!’, she said loudly as she poked her husband in the ribs to wake him up.

‘When we're there, we’re to split into two groups, Amy, Paul, and I for one while you take James .’ she ordered her husband as her struggled to sit up properly.

Amy sighed quietly. She knew that her dad and James wouldn’t really bother with this, and today she didn’t want to either.

‘Can’t I go with dad and then James goes with you mum?’ Amy asked, trying to keep the frustration in her voice at bay.

‘No!’, James said all of a sudden as he sat up with a jolt.

‘I mean, mum will be better off shopping with you, Amy.’ he said again, hoping that his sister wouldn't argue with him.

Amy shot a look of resentment towards James, fulling knowing that she will be stuck with her mum for the rest of the day.They arrived at the shopping mall and went their seperate ways after deciding on the time and place to meet up later,

‘How about this Amy? It would look nice on you.’ her mum asked while holding up a grey knitted cardigan with some floral themes on it.

‘No, I don’t really like that kind of thing.’ Amy commented, knowing that her mum has one of the worst taste in clothes in the world.

‘Well, I think it’s really nice!’ her mum said yet again.

‘No, but these are nice!’ Amy said as she held up a pair of jeans and a form-fitting pink top.

‘Can i get these? Please!’ Amy pleaded,trying to steer her mum away from the horrible cardigan she picked out earlier.

‘Hmm,well.’ her mum said,taking her time to answer.

Amy hoped that she hadn't offended her mum by commenting that the grey cardigan was horrible.

‘Well, if you really –’ her mum started before being cut off.

‘I’ll get the cardigan as well if you think it'll look well on me!’ Amy said, trying to cheer her mum up.

The tactic seemed to work on her as her mum looked much happier than she was.

‘Alright then! Let's go look over there as well.’ her mum said, before walking to the other side of the department with Amy and Paul in tow.

Forty five minutes of intense shopping later, they made their way out of the mall to find her dad and brother standing impatiently outside. Amy's mum looked at what they had, then at the five bags they had.

‘What did you get?’ she said, trying not to look disappointed at the number of bags they had in hand as they didn't had much.

‘Trainers for me, and a top for dad’ James said lazily.

‘It was a tough decision on which one to get as there were so many types and colours!’ her dad said quickly, sensing some disapprovement from his wife.

Amy's mum seem to lighten up a little and they walked back to the car before going on their journey back home. back in the car, Amy's dad switched the radio on while his wife started talking about all the things she bought from the mall. Amy zoned out on her mother and wondered she would get out of wearing the grey cardigan she bought.

Answer 2

Use mom instead of mum. You have a new sentence starting with, " She could faintly hear...". Add and before ,"from time to time...". That's another clause or a new sentence. Next sentence, the clothes looked like he had picked them up off his bedroom floor. Looked that is an awkward useage. Put a period after window, end of sentence. Quotations are set off with ", not '. Period after hear him. New sentence, " She was busy driving, humming happily with the tune on the radio, a big smile on her face." Amy's mum is different from the rest of the family, not different to.

Answer 3

hey pink........thats an original piece of writing .its what you think.i don't think it needs to be improved and the grammar seems to be correct.if 10 diff. ppl. tried to rewrite it they wd all do it differently and effectively too.hope you get good grade for ur hw. best of luck.

Answer 4

Yes, it GREAT!
But at the start its supposed to be HER own ipod, not the.

Answer 5

Do your own homework