Rate this poem on the scale of 1-10(along with ur comments if any amendments r to be made).?

Question

Sweet breeze tingles from every corner,
It soothes my soul.
The sky above a heavenly abode,
As I sit out on the pyol.

The lush green fields sway and swing,
Hovering over which,
Were the flight of birds whizzing their wings.

Squirrels squeak to-ing and fro-ing their hairy tail,
While birds tweat a lovesome song.
There's sweetness in the air ,
And I sing along............

Lumps of cloud my eyes behold,
Furring the limitless stretch of sky.
Behind the mead hid the grey-gowned hills,
That my twinkling eyes did spy.

Still sitting out on the pyol,
The beauty around I appreciate,
Eyes shut and lips mumbling,
Thanking God for all the splendour he did create !!!

lemme tell u that a Pyol means A Small Platform Outside The House .

Answer 1

I'd give it a 6. Todd, Dondi and Marshall3 all raise important points. Here are a few more.

First stanza, it first reads quite well, but upon closer reflection, "abode" is the wrong word...unless you put a comma after "above". You're not "in the sky above", you "see" it and are either saying that the sky would be a heavenly abode or that you feel your "pyol" is a heavenly abode. A bigger problem than syntax is the sound of abode...abode is a stanza ender, it shuts down, creates a hard end stop, which causes the stanza to stall before the last line. You "could" change the word to "something softer, such as "blue" or "bowl" or "hue" (or aliteration with heavenly). Think on it.

Second staza. Not only is "hovering over which" an awkward phrase, but "hovering" is the wrong word...it means to be airborne in a single spot...which the birds would not be doing if they were "whizzing their wings". Also, "which" is a difficult word to end the line, even if enjambed with the next (which it isn't because you put a comma after it). Then you have the problem with "tense"; "hovering" is present tense, "were" is past tense. I see the image you are trying to convey, it's just that you're doing it awkwardly. I'd suggest you rewrite the entire stanza with these comments in mind.
The next stanza starts out with "lumps"...it's difficult to see lumps as something positive.."puffs" or "wisps", especially since you said "furring" in the next line. Then you say "behind the mead hid the..." except that "mead" is a fermented honey drink...did you mean to say "meadow"? If so, you don't need "hid", you could just say "behind the meadow the grey-gowned hills". Your next line, "that my..." is weak...you could just start out by saying "my twinkling eyes did spy"...it flows better and it has the correct number of beats.
The next stanza starts with "still sitting...", which is not the best way to start the final stanza. Since you have been sitting on your pyol the entire time, you don't need to say that you're still there. You could combine some of the second line with the first and get, "The beauty out on the pyol, Is so very appreciated" (it evens out the lines, gets rid of "still", and sets up an easier rhyme word for the last line). The next pair, also awkward, you say you're "mumbling", again, not a very attractive word choice. Also, if you're surrounded by such beauty, why would you "shut" your eyes (which is more severe than "close")? Try, "With eyes fluttering sleep I whisper, Thanking God for what he created."

nice imagry...keep writing

Answer 2

I like the repetition of the pyol as it keeps bringing the reader back to the place of the narrator. You capture a wonderful moment: a particular place, a particular moment when things are easy, understandable and life is simply good. Very nice!

As for the people who object to the religious aspect: ignore them. You could be an agnostic or an athiest for all they know: if religion or God works in your poem, use it!

My call-outs: I agree with Todd about the squirrel line. Perhaps you might want to say something about the squirrel shaking his tail.
And I sing along can end with a single period. The excess periods distract. I'm guessing the effect you were aiming for is that you are part of the song and the song doesn't end, but you'd be better off writing:
"And I join, for a while, the never-ending song."

I especially liked the fourth stanza. You have very strong, lovely imagery. Except for the last line. Find an alternative for "spy." It doesn't support the weight of the images that come before. ( How about "Beholden, my eyes could not look away."?)

All the stanzas have 4 lines, except stanza 2. Look to add a line as it creates an uneven appearance.

The lush green fields sway and swing,
Underneath the flight of birds,
Describing patterns knowable only to them
fading into the distance.

Thank you very much for sharing this!

Answer 3

Not bad at all, but not excellent either.
The second stanza seems to be missing a line and although you did an above average job on rhyming, the cadence goes up and down and throws off the reader's timing. My only suggestion is this, count syllables in each line. Since you are using ballad stanza, where the rhyme scheme is abcb, use the syllable count so that line a has the same number of syllables as line c, and line b has the same as line d. When I do ballad stanza, which is most of the time, I use either 8,6,8,6 or 8,7,8,7 or 7,6,7,6. That's my style, experiment with your poetry and find a rhythm you like, then pick your words to fit the rhythm of your poem.
Good job, have an 8 and a star.

Answer 4

IMO, about 4.5 out of 10.
Not meaning to insult, but I think you can do better. The basic skills are there, but you are not reaching deep enough. Some of the imagery is striking, but it is mixed with some that is awkward, and therefore difficult to read/absorb.
An example:
"The lush green fields sway and swing"(good)
"Hovering over which,"(difficult wording)
"Were the flight of birds whizzing their wings."(labored and confusing--whizzing does not seem to fit)

The strength of a single word can make or break a poem, especially where and how it is used. Consider the imagery you get out some of these words by saying them outloud. Infact, read your poem out loud to yourself or even record and play back--preferable, because you are then purely the listener.
A word like "lumps" as applied to clouds feels cumbersome and interupts the aesthetic ambience you are clearly trying to create.
As I said, dig a bit deeper. Writing and rewriting is something I never appreciated before I started to do so. I used to write out the words and let them fall where they may, but now I know I have to weigh each phrase, each syllable for the poem to be true to it's own voice. Otherwise, I am simply blowing up balloons full of words and hoping they drift to where I think I want them to go.

Answer 5

7 1/2

Answer 6

Religion is a turn off for me. The subject matter and connotation that a God, created the world puts me off. Nothing personal, 4/10, just I don't religion added to my sources of entertainment. However, apart from that it's a decent point. A couple of things, your details have varying degrees, if it's a poem of appreciation of simplicity and all the little things in the world, describe everything in great detail, unless you ignore something purposefully, though that didn't seem to be the case. If there was no God i'd probably give it a 6/10 for monotonous subject matter, especially since it's cliche. Nothing bad for a beginning poet though, give me something from hughes that I can sink my mind into.

Answer 7

Very nice Nayan. One of your better poems. Nice use of alliteration.

A couple minor tweaks you could do:

S3 L1: I'm not sure about this line. Squirrels squeak (to-and-fro means there is a back and forth motion. You can't put an -ing there). then you have their hairy tail. For this to work it has to be something like this (example to show you what I mean there are hundreds of ways to revise):

Squirrels squeak, leap to-and-fro, wave their hairy tails

Bit of a long line their to read in one breath in any event.

And I sing along... (just 3 ... for an ellipsis).

I like the images in S4.

Take care

Answer 8

9 out of 10
It's great

Answer 9

Wow I could you give you 10 out of 10 for your poem. But I will give you 9 and half. Your poem is very good and it is one of the most wonderful poems I have ever read. I really enjoyed it.

Answer 10

The highest I can give is 4.

There's nothing unique in it. I can't see something good out of it for it to be considered a real poem.