How has swinging helped or hurt your relationship (experienced answers)?

Question

I know some people that are involved in the swinging lifestyle. My family says my uncle and his wife were probably part of it when they were younger too.

I have been really always interested in this. Some people think that swinging is just an excuse to sleep with other people without getting in trouble cheating. Others look at it as a way to share a positive sexual experience with the one they love. Many couples never will play separately and will always come together.
My views on this are mixed actually. From one standpoint it really looks like for some marriages and relationships, be amazing. From another it seems like it could just be like throwing gas all over your relationship and lighting a torch.
So, I sit here and read Yahoo Answers about it, and I read a lot of short responses from inexperienced people just immediately thinking about how disgusting it is.
I'm not asking whether it's gross or anything, but instead what has it done to your relationship or your friend's?

Answer 1

I had a swinging relationship with a serious relationship I was in. I really hated it. I felt like I was doing it to please him and in many ways I was and I was betraying myself. it sounds like you have a sincere desire to do it. but really look at yourself and see why. I told myself for instance, that I wanted it too. It took me along time to learn I was lying to myself. You get this idea in your head that it really takes a mature person to not get jealous. But I tell you it takes a much more mature person to cultivate a long-standing relationship without the distractions of lets say a dog, or a baby or swinging. In my experience I have grown more in my monogamous relationship than I had in my open one. there.

Answer 2

The long and short of it is simply this: what do YOU think of it? You can read all the opinions out there and each one will be based on each person's personal experiences or what they grew up believing. I'm guessing though, that you're just seeking some perspective. Getting some feedback from experienced people...and even some BS from the INexperienced people...can be an eye-opener. In the end, if you really want the real truth of things - for you - you'll need to find it out for yourself.

To do my part, I'll share what I know.

My husband and I have had some experience with swinging since around 1998. This is when he brought the idea up. I was intrigued but at that point in time, I was not in any place personally to participate in it in a healthy way. That just means that, while the notion of sexual variety appealed to me, I had some unresolved spiritual conflicts that I refused to deal with at the time. Eventually this ate away at me, and all the while threw a really pallid light on the whole adventure. It felt unhealthy...therefore it was.

Fast forward to 2003. We went through some serious crises in our relationship that were perhaps sparked by swinging, but nevertheless were laying there just waiting - begging - to be sparked off. Swinging just happened to be the catalyst. We totally renovated our marriage, stripping it down to the bare skeleton and rebuilding from scratch. We threw out everything that didn't make sense, regardless of what society told us was right and proper. We both realized, when we really thought about it, that neither of us logically or rationally considered monogamy to be worth keeping in the marriage. It just wasn't worth the aggravation it caused. It was a rule that we had previously kept just for the sake of keeping it. Because everyone ELSE - all those people whom we are not married to - had deemed it a necessary part of the union. We realized that we were better off without silly rules and traditions that had lost their raison d'etre. Monogamy is now a "moving part" that has no place in the mechanism that is our marriage. The simpler the mechanism, the fewer moving parts a machine has, the more solid and less likely to break down a thing is.

Swinging has been an amazingly enriching experience for both of us. It doesn't work for most people, but for those of us for whom it does, it can enhance communication and intimacy in ways that we hadn't imagined before trying it.

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Answer 3

I did not engage in the lifestyle personally when I was married, but I know many, many people who do. A few have had bad experiences because they didn't fully think out the emotional landmines they would have to cross when bringing other partners in. But the majority of my friends who do it have gotten involved after fully researching it and thinking it through, and have wonderful experiences and relationships.

People think it is disgusting because they are repressed and don't know what is really involved, so they make knee jerk judgments. The fact is, there are sooo many married people out there cheating - just look at the number of questions about it here. Why not just admit that we are human, that one person cannot possibly fulfill 100% of their partners' needs, and set up ground rules for an open relationship. That way everyone knows what's going on, instead of having it done behind your back.

As for disease, my experience has been that people in these relationships are far more careful about using protection than those who cheat behind their partner's back. You don't just go out to the bar and pick up someone. It is usually with someone you already know, and you set up an exclusive arrangement with those 2 or 3 people so you know what you're getting into. You know if the person is clean, uses drugs, etc. And you use condoms and spermicide.

When a married couple goes about this the right way, it can be safe and fun. I wish people wouldn't be so judgmental and cast their moral ignorance around the way they do. Unless you have been involved personally, keep your mouth shut.

Answer 4

These two people I know pretty well have been together for many years, and are swingers. They have an OPEN marriage, and are open to each other, more than I have ever know a couple to be. They are conservative, clean and very discreet with people they have a lustful physical affection for, and happy about their really honest relationship with each other.

I don't know why anyone would see it as disgusting. I see it as facing the realism of humanity in a marriage. when I inquired about Fidelity as an issue, they both replied similiarly.

Words to the affect as: They believe fidelity is over-rated and should not be expected between just one man and woman as a married couple. Temptation and sexual desires affect and overcome everyone. The desire to show and share your physical love or lust for someone you have feelings for should not be hampered just because of marital ties. Relations with others should be an open communication between yourself and your spouse, so you have no hidden secrets or agendas being kept from the person you’ve chosen to spend your entire life with.

Anyways, I hope this helped you out... Take Care!

Answer 5

I really don't think it affected our relationship one way or the other. Honestly.

What we did was totally by mutual agreement; there was no "arm twisting" by either person.

We set thing up carefully and safely and had some pretty exciting and satisfying experiences.

Of course, there were a few "duds" along the way, too, that's to be expected. Nature of the game.

But I always tell people (as they have been told in the past by spokespersons at the larger conventions): only couples with ROCK SOLID relationships should even consider it. If there are any feelings of indecision, jealousy, anxiety, self-image problems, etc., you're just asking for trouble. "Swinging" never "fixed" a problem in any relationship.

So, there you have it. We had fun and it was just another instance of "been there - done that" and then you move on with your lives.

Answer 6

In my experience which is, so far, limited to the nearly two-year relationship I'm in, I have to say that it has been both enriching and challenging. I have not struggled with jealousy, but have struggled with trusting my man. We have had to really work on our communication and being honest and open with each other. It is not something I do all the time, for me it is not really a lifestyle yet, and maybe it never will be. For me it is just an occasional thing. For him, it's more of a lifestyle, most of the time. He plays by himself with women and couples, and we play together with women and couples. I have never played without him present, although it's not out of the question. We are trying to come up with "rules" that work for both of us so that we can be comfortable and trust each other. It has not been an easy process and someday, who knows, it could be what "makes or breaks" our relationship. I enjoy having sexual freedom that I never had before. I had no idea I'd have such fun in a threesome or in a group. I had no idea that I was aroused by both genders either. So, it's definitely built up my understanding of myself and my desires. Sometimes I struggle with the spiritual and moral side of the decisions I've made.

Answer 7

OK, my wife and I aren't into this, BUT Id love it if she would engage in sex with other men. There is something in the "knowing" that your wife is having sex outside the marriage that is such a strong aphrodisiac! I'm sure you would have to have a very strong foundation to begin with. AND you would have to be able to separate the "sex" from LOVE with your husband! Give me a line if you decide to go for it. I LOVE hearing from women who participate in this!

Answer 8

we have swung for 23 of our married years.
If you would like to chat about it you can put a free profile on the swingers site we are on.
It is swinglifestyle.com
Our profile name is churchgoers
you can write us there and they have a chatroom where we can go and talk also.
Who knows? Maybe we can actually show you the benifits of swinging!!!!