My Dad needs my help and I don't know how to help him!?

Question

My Dad was found on the floor of his home a week ago and he had urinated on himself and couldn't get up to get help. He's gone from a independent guy who's very short tempered and always on the go to a child like state with limited memory and mobility. The doctors say he had a major stroke aswell as full blown diabetes. He just sleeps and doesn't remember alot of things that he should. He acts and talks like a child and says things that make no sense. They want to put him in a rehabilitation center. I can't comprehend how this happened to him and why he's like this now. The same thing happened to my mom bu hers being a lil more serious having to have brain surgery and somehow she's as she was before except for her left leg having poor circulation. The doctors don't explain much. He doesn't remember much. I ask alot but don't accomplish much. Can I help him? Will he regain what's forgotten? He's 54 partied like a rockstar has a 28 yr old GF . Now talks to stuffed toys.

Maybe I came off the wrong way. I'm not at all frustrated with my dad. I'm afraid for him. He's a large man who's had alot of lows in his life. I just don't want him to think I didn't love him enough to care for him like I have for my mom. It's hard to convince someone Life is peachy when they don't see it that way at all.

Answer 1

First let me say that I can really feel for you. The last time that I saw my maternal grandmother was before I left to move to Germany and she was talking nonsense and sprayed perfume in my face. This woman was an RN at one time. I also watched my other grandmother go thru the same thing, not even knowing who I was when I went to see her, altho her condition was related to Alzheimer's. Stroke, Alzheimer's, ....I have alot to look forward to in the family genetic tree. With both parents having strokes...you are looking at your increased risk too.

A 'stroke' is a CVA....a Cerebrovascular Accident. There are acutally 2 kinds that can really happen. One bleeds the other clots, but both damage the brain, and you just have to 'wait and see' how much damage there will be. If surgery was done on your mother, a repair was made, obviously, and she progressed from there. This may have been related to her age, the cause of the CVA, the area involved, time elapsed before medical care arrived, or any number of other things, but you can't compare you father and your mother. Yes they might have both had strokes, but their recovery will definitely not be the same. Humans aren't made from cookie molds and neither are their situations. There are just way to many factors involved.

I AM NOT telling you by any stretch of imagination to give up on your father and assume that what you see today is all that you will ever see. Don't do that! There I have personal experience. One of my patients that PT had given up on ever moving....to make a long story shorter....with some coaxing, started moving her hand to hold a cup of ice cream and no one would be believe me. Luckily my head nurse was behind me, and I got her to push the doc and PT to reevaluate the woman. Sending your father to a nursing home or rehab is not a death sentence. It's just a place where he can continue to get the care he needs. Just make sure that it's a good one and that physical & speech therapy will follow thru with him. He has to relearn everything all over again. He is in there....things just aren't functioning/firing right. You think you are frustrated. Imagine what he feels?

Answer 2

1. A cell phone if she doesn't have one. If that's not an option, not knowing what she likes, I would suggest a pretty necklace or something like that. You could even take her with you to pick one out that she'll be able to wear a lot and say "Thanks, my dad gave it to me." when people compliment it. But then, I love jewelry and she might not. You could just offer to take her shopping one weekend and buy her some clothes or books or whatever it is she likes. That way you get to spend time together too. 2. I honestly just had a long conversation with my supervisor and some other coworkers about this :P Most of the guys with daughters said 16. I say 15 or even 14 (your call, you're her father... when you think she's mature enough). But if you leave it too long she'll do it anyway and then she won't feel like she can talk to you if she needs to and you definitely don't want that. 3. What time does she get up in the morning? Curfew should be at least 9 hours before that so she can get home, get to bed and get a good sleep during the school week. At 13 I would say 9 during the week, 10 on weekends is pretty reasonable. General advice: Don't ever freak out about boy stuff. You definitely, definitely want her to be able to come talk to you and she won't if she's worried you'll get really upset. Be open with her and she'll be open with you.

Answer 3

What does your mother want to do? As she seems to have recovered reasonably well, apart from a leg problem, perhaps the two of you together can help your Dad.

You should do some computer research on strokes and diabetes and learn as much as possible.

If you and your mother find that you are unable to adequately care for him because the task is too great and too demanding and you don't have the expertise you may perhaps have to put him in a rehabilitation centre and let the professionals take over. There is only so much that you and your mother can do. Perhaps you can discuss the problem with some other relatives or even close friends. Perhaps even a discussion with Lifeline might help as the problem is having a profound effect on your own life that is not helping your own welfare or health and well-being. A lot of carers suffer from extreme stress and anxiety as it is extremely difficult to cope with a situation such as yours.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, he had a stroke and this is what a stroke can do. In my opinion, if he were my Dad, I would take the doctor's advice and put him in rehabilitation - it will help. These things take time to recover from - and the person doesn't always recover fully - sorry.

I know it must be hard to see you Dad this way, but rehabilitation can only help him. Make sure the rehabilitation place had a good reputation.

Good luck!

Answer 5

He has had a stroke, which is a type of brain damage. He can recover. Look at Kirk Douglas (father of Michael Douglas). He could barely talk and came back enough to act again. Brain damage is serious business, though. It does take therapy and a rehabilitation center will help your Dad probably better than you can do, since you seem impatient with him.

Answer 6

Alot of your dad's symptoms will depend on where the stroke occured in his brain. The rehab center can help him to regain both his mobility and ability to do things for himself. They will have a whole team of diffrent staff to work with him.
You need to ask his doctor to explain to you in SIMPLE terms what to expect. If it has only been one week it is too soon to know how long it may take him to recover.
But if he is talking, that is a good thing!!The rehab's nurses can tell you ways that you can help him with his memory, ect.
Good luck

Answer 7

It sounds like you are in over your head with him. It sounds like he needs around the clock supervision...in a facility. I know its not easy to make that decision but you must ultimately do what is best for him. If he is having periods of mental disturbances, ignoring the problem is not going to make it go away. Putting him in a facility where he can be observed around the clock may give them some insight on how to help him. Unless you have a medical degree and can assume responcibility for his safety at all times, you are going to have to let someone else help you. Listen to the doctors, they deal with this type of thing all the time.

Answer 8

Coming from a nurse, I do think your Dad would benefit from trying rehab. They can work with him and see what his potential will be. Speech Therapy is wonderful in determining his cognitive level and has tools to help him communicate. I would consider it.

Answer 9

He is suffering from a CVA probably.

Answer 10

Bon Jovi-Its my life
you feel he needs your help, yet the truth is
Another person isnt your life, it may be hard to face but he is reaping what he has sown.
Yet there is hope for much in this if he will be open to it.
I suggest you share this with him
Where we go to day will determine where we will end up tomorrow-it is never too late to change our direction.

This help is more than helping our heart. It is to help get a new start and to find the best way.

And remember most of all that you are to trust the Lord, who wasnt so cute all bloody on the cross, as he said "I go to the cross for the joy set before me, that you may believe."

Revelation 3:19&20 (& 1:1 chapter 1 verse 1 spoken from heaven) "I love you and knock on your heart door to come in, if you will ask forgiveness of sin (even one lie) and then i will be your friend."

so i prayed "Jesus thanks for dying for my sins, I am sorry for them, come into my heart and help me, be my friend, amen.

and remember what life is all about="Humor is the spiciest condiment in the feast of existence. Laugh at your own mistakes but learn from them; Joke over your troubles but gather strength from them; make jest of your difficulties but overcome them. Laugh be merry, be happy! You shall pass this way but once...

great new week to you & words from the book The Purpose Driven Life=Peace and joy to you

About Rick Warren (REMEMBER HE WROTE-PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE)

"Purpose Driven Life " author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California.

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said:

People ask me, What is the purpose of life? And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were made to last forever,& God wants us to fellowship with Him now & in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.

I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. Its about building Character and living right not taking the easy way for a moment of some pleasure in sin, then paying for it-reaping what we have sowed.


We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness in his peace and inner joy no matter ones situation in life. Romans 8:28&29

This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer.

I used to think that life was hills and valleys.
Yet, now i think of it as kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.

And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems.

If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness,"which is my problem, my issues, my pain." But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others.


Best wishes and I am praying for you all the best. David the sweet pea