Should I resign myself to an unhappy marriage because I will lose everything if I leave?

Question

Been married for 20 years and have always worked, even when the children were born. My husband decided to 'retire' four years ago, and has a hobby farm. I work long hours, nights and weekends, don't get to see my kids unless I stand by their beds at 2 in the morning while they are sleeping. On my day off I catch up with the housework, that is if I don't have to work overtime to pay the bills. I hate my job, and have had three other offers to jobs I would enjoy, but for less money. Not on, says my husband, 'we can't afford it'. My children are materialistic and selfish, who show me no respect, who talk/swear at me when I am home, who say they hate our family and that this just a place to eat and sleep. I want to leave, but will have to live in a hovel while still paying a mortgage on a farm I didn't want in the first place, and support three children who can't see when enough is enough. How do I pluck up the courage to go? Should I go? Can I turn this around?

Answer 1

You can turn it around in more ways than one. You will lose some and gain some, depending on your choices. In the end, you have to decide how you want to live your life. If the mortgage payment is an issue, have it made over to him in the divorce. You aren;t so old yet that you can't have a decent life of your own after this relationship. Life is short, it is meant to be lived and enjoyed as much as possible. You have to decide how you want yours to be lived. No one else can do that for you, nor should they be allowed to.

Answer 2

yes, you sure can turn this around. First, talk to your retired husband to give you the support around the house. to take the heavy burned off of you. Remind him, just because you're retire from working doesn't mean you're retired from helping you with the family and the household. Now, this hobby farm of your husband is the same farm that you're paying the mortgage on? Secondly, you're the parent that run the household and not your kids! put your foot down with them, like right now! Make them work for their wants how else they're going to learn how to take care of themselves when they're older. And this swearing stuff, they will have no teeth they pull that crap with me. How old are your kids? And tell your husband to set his foot down on them too and get in there and be a father with an iron hand on his kids.

Answer 3

I'm sorry you're going through this - it sounds like you are completely unappreciated.

I didn't treat my mum badly, but I've got to say I took her for granted. She did everything for me, and I got anything I wanted. It was a huge shock when I left home, I wish she'd taught me some life lessons.

I would start doing less for your husband and the kids. If your husband is retired then leave him a list of chores each day. Don't do those chores yourself. Stop washing the kids clothes - they can do it themself. One night a week walk out the door and say you're off to - wherever. Out with friends, a class, the gym. They will all get a shock to see you showing yourself so much respect - and their respect will eventually follow.

If you can't turn things around then before leaving for good you need to say you're leaving for a week. Go on a vacation - to hell with what they say. It's less drastic than leaving them. When you get back, tell them you only came back because you hope things will change. Once they have a taste of life without you I hope they start to appreciate you more. Good luck, you deserve better than this.

Answer 4

It sounds as if you only want support for your choice to leave. How about, instead, you stop enabling your family's lazy, selfish, disrespectful behavior. In your shoes, I would not ask if I can quit a job I hate. I would announce: "I'm quitting my job. If you want the farm, you pay for it." Don't even leave an opening for an argument. Just state, "This is the way it's going to be. End of discussion." And then stick to your decision.

Let them work around your needs for a while.

Recently, I heard a wonderful quote: "The best thing you can do for your children is to be happy." You are not happy. So you are doing your children a disservice.

Answer 5

Don't know why your husband isn't working. You seem to do everything. Is he bringing in any money? It sounds like you do not speak up for yourself and your husband doesn't respect you. You have to sit down and talk to him. Talk and talk so you guys can get some things worked out. If he isn't willing to work things out, then maybe you should leave. Tell him you are tired and unhappy. Not necessarily that you want to leave him. He doesn't need to hear that yet. You did let this happen to yourself, so you need to be patient and see if it can be changed. Is there anywhere you can go stay with someone else? Friend or family member?

Answer 6

Clearly things are not 50/50. Talk with your husband and kids. Tell them how you feel and WRITE DOWN what each person is expected to do. Your husband could get another job. Your kids could too or at least clean the house. Put in your written contract a target date and state that if things don't change by that date, they can do it all without you. If things don't change by that date, then move out. If you don't stand up for yourself no one will. This will be an example for you kids to learn from.

Answer 7

Lady don't do this to yourself! You can leave, you don't have leave empty handed 20 years of marriage should have children big enough to take care of themselves. Your husband is NOT you boss or your owner he is suppose to be your partner. If he can't hold up his end of the partnership then it's time to close up shop.
As they say in poker " you gotta' know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.
Get a life before your too old to. Fourteen years ago I woke up one morning put a note on the refrigerator and told my husband I was going to see a lawyer about a divorce.
I came home his stuff was gone the divorce went fine, I took the house and property he kept his 18 wheeler. I said it's my way or I want HALF of everything.
You could be living in the lap of luxury without a millstone around your neck!
Go for the Gold
Good Luck!
PS If you think it's worth turning around give that a shot. Consider it carefully after all you've had 20 years of living that life.

Answer 8

You can do anything you set your mind to. I dont understand why YOU must pay for the farm. You owe yourself some gratitude and happiness...Not to your children, or your so called husband. If the job offers are something you would really enjoy. TAKE IT. Let HIM pay for something. This should not be your total responsibility. Put your foot down and demand the respect you deserve from your children. Allow them to experience what life is really like by going WITHOUT their food and sleep for one day. Because YOU simply canNOT afford it.

Answer 9

You sound more like a slave than a mother or wife and I am sure you could find someone who will treat you much better than your husband. Why can't your husband get a part time job to help out with the bills?, sounds like he's got the cushy end of the stick. There's more to life than work and unless your experiencing some benefit from all that work, then it doesn't say much for your lifestyle.

Answer 10

I'm not here to judge you ..we all have problems sometime or other this is just a bump in the road.
I strongly suggest you see a family counselor before you have a nervous breakdown.
I had a friend that had nevrous breakdown and left her two month old baby with her sister and disappeared.Don't let that be you..
Ur kids have issues since they miss having a mother and someone to tell them or put them stright.
I have a kid and she would never cuss me out I would make her see stars during the day lol..
Your kids need there father too and sounds like his doing nothing to raise them
My prayers are with you and do not abandon your kids or they will hate you more..
matter of fact take a little mini vaction by urself like go camping or spa whatever just so you can find yourself again..and not get lost more into your hole.good luck,