Is it time for a divorce?

Question

I am married to an active-duty Marine. We've been together 2 years, married for almost a year. The past 6 months have been extremely rocky. Every 2-3 months we have a huge fight that brings us to the brink of divorce.

He rarely wants to go out together anymore, unless it's at HIS friend's place. He criticizes me all the time about my job and going to school. I feel like he tosses me aside while he's watching tv, or playing on the computer, until he wants sex or my attention. Has he lost respect for me because we're married, and he knows I can't just "dump" him and walk off whenever I want?

He doesn't allow me access to his bank account (which holds OUR money), and I have no idea how much is spent on what. I pay 50% of our bills, which takes up half my monthly earnings. He gets paid 4x more than what I earn monthly (I work part time and am attending college). He still criticizes me, saying I am not saving enough money, etc. Well how can I ?

When I go shopping, I have to buy my own things. I pay for my own gas and my car maintenance, etc. At the end of the month, there is hardly any money I can scrap together to put away towards savings.

I am starting to feel imprisoned and abused. My husband spends more time at work or with his friends, than with me. I've caught him using online personals, talking to other girls online, e-mailing friends and telling them about looking for someone else, and it's such a slap in the face for me.

I am at my wit's end. I love this man, but is this marriage doomed? Did I marry a manipulative jerk? Will marriage counseling work?

This morning he tried to feel me up in bed after not speaking to me for a whole day, and when I stopped him and said "we need to talk," he abruptly informed me that he no longer wants to be with me or be married to me. Please help, I'm crushed.

Answer 1

When my wife and I were young, she worked in a beauty salon owned by her relative. We, of coarse, were having marital problems like you are and the girls there were telling her "do this" and "do that" and I FINALLY got her to see that NONE of those ladies could keep a man. They were either in their umpteenth marriage about divorced or single because "all guys are jerks". If you do what some of these are saying, cut him off sex, DEMAND this, demand that, you will get absolutely NO WHERE. Honestly, a marriage should be BOTH drop there money wads into the pot, pay bills, expenses, put a savings, split the rest as fun money.

You need to find common interests and do things together. See a counselor. The problem with military men is they expect it at home as disciplined as work. Why don't you ask him to go to counseling, if he refuses tell him you are going because you are concerned about your relationship going sour. Tell him you love him and don't want it soured. Don't cut him off sex, it will not work well for you.

Answer 2

Hi there! I can relate on some of your complains to your hubby. This is really a serious situation. He is the man of the house, 3/4 of the expenses is his responsibility. To consider that your attending college, he must help you more with expenses. I'm so sorry to tell you but your husband is so selfish, and little by little his becoming parasite. Your relationship as man and wife still very fresh, what more in the future, his already a crocodile! Before more serious problem happen you have to talk to him ASAP about these things you had wrote in here. You need to tell him everything heart to heart, don't be so weak. And do not give him your money if he don't share with you the bank account. You have to save for yourself, you have to get ready for some unexpected situation. You have to leave something for yourself. About the divorce thing, I cannot advice you to divorce him. You have to talk to him first about evrything. And give him time to change his ways. And if he doesn't change for a couple of month, then give him warning of planning to get divorce. Or you have to go to marriage counselor for legal advice.

Answer 3

Sounds like you might be in or at the verge of being in an emotionally abusive relationship. There is no way he should have control over all the money, especially the one you earn.
It's not fair you have to contribute 50% even though you make way less.
Before you decide to leave/get a divorce though, make sure you have a plan. Put some money away so you have some when you need it. Open your own bank account, that only you have access to. Figure out a safe place to stay for when you leave. If you think he might get very upset or violent, you need to be extra careful on how you make your exit. Either leave without telling him and let him know afterwards, when you are in a safe place, or have somebody with you when you leave him so he is less likely to get violent. If you think your husband might flip and do s.th. really dangerous when you leave, be extra prepared and consider speaking to a woman's shelter advocate or domestic violence counselor beforehand.
Pack a bag with all important things in case you have to leave in a hurry one day. Important things include passport, birth certificate, ID, prescription meds, money, cell phone, phone numbers of safe people, phone number of shelters, crisis line, etc. Good luck and stay safe

Answer 4

Ok, I'm going to start with the easy part.

There is a huge difference between being married and just dating - in that when you were dating you had "personal time". You know, that time when each of you were at your own homes doing your own thing - and you recharged your batteries so to speak and were happy to see each other the next time.

Well, when you are married, you still need that personal time, and it is kinda hard to come by. Sometimes, that TV time, or computer time needs to be considered that "personal space". I'm sure there are things you do that you prefer to have the time to do by yourself. So the attitude you have developed over it, you need to re-train your thinking. It isn't a matter of disrespect.

Finances, that is a problem, the two of you need to be more open and communicative about it. My suggestion to you, since you don't appreciate not having access to the bank account, is for you to go to the bank, and open your own acount - one checking, one savings - that way you have 100% control of your money, and you can save as you choose. You canlet him know that is what you are doing - unless he will sit down with you, and turn the home finances into anactivity the two of you deal with together.

The two of you are married, but treating some aspects of your life (like finances) as if you are still single - that needs to change.

Next, when you fight, that ugly D word needs to not be uttered. You are going to argue as a couple, it happens. Every two or three months is a pretty typical average for a disagreement - but I have a feeling the two of you escalate it to an unnessary level. Would he consider marriage counseling if it would help the two of you communicate and learn how to have a disagreement without it turning so bad?

Answer 5

That is a big problem. I am a navy wife so I can relate to what it is like to be married to a service man. First off ask him to add you to his bank account. If he refuses don't worry contact his commanding officer and tell them the whole story. It might sound mean but the problem will go away. Besides half of the BAH is yours. You should have access to the money, to the bank accounts and any info you need. He should grow up. Stop paying bills start saying up your own money and put it in a account that he doesn't know about.

Answer 6

First of all, if you guys truly love each other, which is what I am assuming, then it is never time for a divorce. The first thing you can do is try to sit down and talk to him about how you feel. Try to analyze what makes you fight every 2-3 months. Make him realize that he isn't treating you right and that you need more from him than he's giving you. A relationship needs two people to work; tell him that you feel as if he doesn't trust you or respect you when he doesn't allow you to get to your own money. You have to be up front honest, and tell him how you feel, or nothing will get resolved. If nothing like that works, then I would make the effort to talk to him with a mediator i.e. someone who is not biased to either side, and see if you can't work things out. Trust me, divorce isn't something you want to go through.

Answer 7

Marriage counseling will work. But you have to actually go to the sessions and have some commitment to finding out why each of you have these areas that are problems.
If you make money by working yourself, why is it that you are not able to put some money each paycheck into an account for yourself? In your name only? You can and should have his/hers/ours accounts.
He sounds like someone who craves attention. When you were dating, before you were married, maybe you gave him more attention. Now that you are married, you've relaxed enough to pay more attention to other parts of your life. It hasn't helped your marriage because it has taken time away from him!
Selfish, yes? A problem that can't be worked out? No.
He hasn't lost respect for you but he's dangerously close to being a cheater and it's all to get your attention. Well, it has worked, but not the way he thought.
Marriage counseling is the solution. Insist on it.

Answer 8

Military life is extremely stressful, and the divorce rate is higher than the national average. He could be suffering post-traumatic stress if he was in combat, and/or be depressed.

And, by the way, you are the legal owner of 50% of his bank account. But, reflect upon your spending habits. Is he protecting your joint assets because you over spend to compensate in your life for your lack of intimacy? That is a common occurrence.

You are in school - that is good- developing your own skills and preparing for your future is an excellent way to build your confidence and self esteem.

If you love him, you can work on these issues with a counselor and hopefully things will get better.

I know you feel tossed aside except when he wants sex -- but is the real issue for you that he wants sex without the hard work of real intimacy in your marriage? Then you need to be an adult and communicate that to him. You have a right to affection in addition to sex. Again, that is a common occurence, you are not alone.

Best wishes for a happier future -- it is there, but you may have to make some hard decisions about what is right for you.

M.S. (Graduate counseling student, USA)

Answer 9

This doesn't sound like a husband, it's more like a petulant child that isn't getting his way. Are you sure you want to be chained to someone like that? Sounds like he's insecure, controlling, a little over the top, a bully.

He's not far off from becoming physical with you, take his threat and get the divorce, now, before children are involved.

Answer 10

Based on your last comment it is time for serious action. Your husbands own words were " I don't want to be married." That said, it is time for divorce.

You can however attempt to patch things up through intensive counseling, therapy, and a myriad of other ways. This will only work if he chooses to make it work. You will go through all of the pain, all of the work, and all of the struggles with no gaurantee that he will want to stay married.

He's given you his answer to your own question. Like it or not it's time to put on the big girl panties and take care of yourself.

I am sorry for your pain and wish you the best.