so my bf is 35, i'm 26. we've been together for 3 months. he seperated from his wife 2 years ago and the divorce is final in 2 months. the other day i got the "i'm not ready for a serious relationship" talk. i said that at my age i'm not casually dating, i'm looking for someone to spend my life with. at this point i think it's him (i didn't say that). he said he didn't want me to break up with him over it and it's not as big a deal as i made it. he definitely wants to keep dating. i told him to have enough respect for me not to date me if he knows he never wants to settle down again and he said thats not what he meant. should this be a big red flag for me? or should i just see what happens? any guys who can relate to his situation?
2007-08-25 15:31:26 · 18 answers · asked by Jax 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He is probably not going to want to get married for a few years because the bad marriage he was in has put a bad taste in his mouth. I know that if my wife and I were to split up, it would be much easier to not get married again. If you are looking to get married soon, this is not the relationship to be in. If you think he is "the one," you're going to need to be patient and help assure him that marriage can be a good thing with the right person.
2007-08-25 15:39:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dr. Joy Browne would tell you that you have to give him a year after the divorce is final before he's ready for another relationship, and I think there's somethign to that. Tell him you'll date him again one year after the divorce is FINAL, and he'll know by then if he has become ready for a serious relationship. You're correct it's a matter of respect; if he never wants to settle down again, and that's what you want and he knows it, he shouldn't be pursuing you. It's tough but it's fair: one year. Mark your calendar. Be firm. Good luck.
2007-08-25 15:49:09 · answer #2 · answered by David W 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'd cool things off just a little bit while the next 2 months pass by, then check his pulse again after the divorce is final and he has had some time to reconsider what he wants in his life. regardless of how bad his (ex)wife was, it is not automatically easy to live through the final divorce moments.
if he is still not ready for a serious relationship, it's time for you to have "the talk" to him about what you need, and see if you two can eventually walk the same path.
2007-08-25 15:44:07 · answer #3 · answered by The Beast 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's not ready for a relationship.
He may not be ready for a long time.
He needs to learn how to be comfortable by himself alone for the rest of his life before he's ready for a new relationship.
Sorry... you met him at the wrong time...
First relationships that start near the end of a divorce rarely work out. My husband was at the end of his divorce when we met, but he was ready for a new relationship. He'd been out on his own for many years by then. He had to tell her, "you file for the divorce in TX, or I'll file in CA and you can come out here for the divorce trial" before she finally agreed to go to court to finalize things.
If you really are ONLY into serious dating, you've met him at the wrong time and need to let him go so you can date others. You can tell him, "if you're ever ready for a serious relationship, call me" to leave the door open. There is more than one person you can be happy with in out there in the world. Remember the saying "if you love something, set it free. it will come back if it was meant to be". If you don't find someone new to love, he can come back to you AFTER he's ready for a serious relationship,
If you continue to date him on his terms, you risk him stringing you on for years and never getting serious. If you let him go, he may deal with what he needs to much faster and come looking for you before some other lucky guy scarfs you up in a good relationship.
The right person at the wrong time just doesn't work.
One person ready and one person not ready equals a relationship that is bound to fail.
2007-08-25 15:43:45 · answer #4 · answered by Nedra E 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When someone head for divorce, surely he would need sometime to heal and not rush to another marriage. He don't want to commit himself the same way as he did but ended up divorced. You are sure rushing and pushing to hard and quick to get a ring on you finger yet you haven't got into deeper detail what went wrong with his first marriage. You haven't even know him well and at the same time you have not weighed all marriage options on the table to consider a serious relationship. Take time and give him time to get over with his divorce and see how things progress.
2007-08-25 15:41:13 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You were a relationship he got into on the rebound. This doesn't look good. You need to find someone that has never married before and has no baggage.
God hates divorce and doesn't recognize 2nd marriages. See links below for further explanation.
2007-08-25 15:50:36 · answer #6 · answered by janetrmi 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand both sides. He just came out of a marriage. It's understandable that he wouldn't want to get in another marriage right away.
On the other hand, you are ready to settle down. You don't have many options. You can either wait for him to be ready, or you can find someone else who is ready.
Personally, I wouldn't want to waste my time dating a guy who wasn't ready to settle down with me. I might give it a few more months, but I wouldn't want to "play house" with some guy who is afraid of marriage.
I know you said that he didn't say he never wanted to get married. But, how long are you willing to wait for him to make up his mind?
You're in a tough situation. If he marries you before he is ready, he might resent you later for pushing him into it.
If you hang around for a few more months, and he is still dancing around the issue of marriage, you might want to move on.
It's common for people who are fresh out of a marriage to not want to get married again right away. It's all about how long you're willing to wait.
2007-08-25 15:49:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first rule is to never date a guy who is not completely available. This man is still married and he's probably still vexed about that relationship, let alone to try and deal with another one. Tell him to call you in a year when he gets his life straightened out. By then hopefully you'll be dating someone better.
2007-08-25 15:37:22 · answer #8 · answered by Rachel 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your 26 and only been dating him for 3 months and what a commitment for life already? Whats your story? Ya he's not ready for a serious relationship he don't really know you yet do you him?
2007-08-25 16:09:43 · answer #9 · answered by YANI S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not likely to search out many judges who would rule that a man or woman can have too many children to maintain them. The things happening for your ex's life could seem to be an excessive amount of for her to control and likewise supply your children the concentration they want, but you can have a rough time proving it earlier than it occurs. If it seems that they are not getting the awareness, you might file for custody after the fact, but you can not preemptively make that declare.
2016-08-04 12:40:19 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋