HELP, PLEASE! I'm no teen, but I'm mother of a teen. So I was wondering, could you help me with my son?

Question

All right. First of all, this is our family e-mail, so don't get surprised if "Music" appears answering some guy question or a girl question, since I've got 2 sons and 2 daughters, Well, when he was 3 years old, my youngest son, Will, got kidnapped. We didn't get reunited with him until he was 10 years old. Now he's 14.
I believe that he has have had some trouble getting used to us, but for example, when he was kidnapped, he was a rambunctious toddler that was always making friends and smiling at every one. Now, he is pretty serious, has VERY few friends, rarely talks, and he seems to prefer the company of our 2 dogs, Piper and Buddy, than us.
Other thing, uh, right now I feel that I don't know him anymore because of the years that we were appart. For example, I just learned that he volunteered at helping for some social cause and for tutoring for younger kids. I yelled at him of why did I had to know about his life at school through teachers and not himself.

When the cops found him, he was in the hospital. There, the doctors told us that he had several beatings markings and scars. Then, whenever I ask him about the past he doesn't wants to answer. When he was 11, he told us, (his biological father and I) that he was being bullied at school, and we just simply thought that it was because he wanted some attention. He ended in the hospital 2 times because of those kids. His father ended up calling him a sissy and punished him. Now, about a year and a half ago we separated. Now, I'm married to another man.

Will seems to be adjusting fine, but at school, the teachers say that he's mostly alone, and it is very probable to find him in the library advancing on homework. He rarely plays videogames, but somehow seems to love nature, animals (specially wolves, dragons, birds, for example, if you ask him something about a bird he'll tell you everything there's to know about it, or even a tree)
Other thing is that when we were just reunited

Well, sorry, about the long story, but I feel you have to know all of it so you can help me. When we were just reunited he used to cower of every adult he saw. He was with a counselor for 2 years.
Will loves to write, draw, read, give his written opinion on movies, photograph, sports (specially TKD), biking, going to the park with Buddy and Piper, etc. Through writing and drawings he seems to give SOME details on his past, but sometimes he does it on such a way that it's VERY difficult to see it, at least for me.

Sometimes, Will is a perfect stranger for me, and he usually gets yelled at, even though he gets higher grade at school than his brother or sisters, who are 16 (b),17 (s), and 17 (s). He gets yelled at for almost everything, but its not that I don't love him, but I feel as if the kid I knew had died, and this was the kid from another person. And yes, doctors are 100 percent sure he is our child, because of genes, etc.

Why does he talks so little about his past when he was with that other person?

Why is he so silent, and doesn't likes to go out with friends, sometimes seems to be afraid of people and even us! Other thing is that I sometimes don't understand him at all. When I think that I've begun to understand why he's that way, he suddenly stops talking for a week or just answers with one word and its starting all over again.

He seems to remember EVERYTHING about those years, since sometimes he mumbles in his sleep, and from a peaceful face, his face seems to contort in a very scared and pained face.

I can't stand looking at his eyes because they seem to reflect so much pain, sadness and mistrust of everybody, other thing that shows a lot is fear. I try asking him, and the fear or pain in his eyes seems to show more.

Also, when he was with the counselor he never talked about his past. The counselor said there was no hope in him to talk about that, but that when he spent a year with us he would tell us everything.
A year passed, that was when he was bullied, he ended up at the hospital two times. For the rest of that year he would talk or answer with just one word. We changed counselor with maybe a small improvement, but still not much talk.
Could you try to explain this a bit more, please? His step dad and I yell a lot to him, specially because we get frustrated when he won't talk about his past.

Also, after his father and I got separated, we sued the bullies and they got a restricting order. Still,
somehow his brother and sisters seem to think of him as a stranger and he is akward when talking to us.

Other thing is that the doctors told us that he had some autistic behaviours, such as repeating an action when he is nervous, and VERY rarely staring right in the eye, etc.
For the rest, he gets above 95 average, but my second husband will punish him if he got a 99 in P.E. for a missing uniform, or if his hair is standing a bit, or even if he has a small spot on his shirt.
Will seems pretty responsible, as he washes his clothes, and cleans his room, makes shores, goes to all his classes and manages to get all his homework done, but my husband is VERY strict with HIM, but not with his brother or sisters.
Other thing is that sometimes we punish him for little things because we get frustrated that he won't want to go on family activities, and we have a pretty large family.

He HAS gone to a psychiatrist, or a counselor. I believe that I put what they said to us above

Here's an extract of one of his poems;

An angel came down
I swear I saw it
It came down among the snow
It made my eyes glow with hapiness
when the angel smiled at me
then it went away and left his print in the snow
forever to last, forever to fly
forever to stay in my heart.
for that night, I saw an angel
That night will always last

And here's an extract from one of his stories;

People said that Carib and Delphinus made a last journey that lasted a day.
After that, they were never seen again in any of the cities. When his uncle went back, he didn’t found him, but oddly enough, he looked up at the sky and saw something that amused him. There, was the constellation of Delphinus, but on top of him, riding him was Carib, smiling and with his arms in the air, like as if he was really happy.
Carib had learned to forgive, and had learned to appreciate life in 2 days, and on the second day he died, because some sailors found his body floating on the sea. He passed into eternity. He was the second and last human who mounted Delphinus, and the first and only person to go to “live” with him at his “home” in the sky.

First of all, sorry about posting the question again, but it seems that Will, or his sisters erased it before.

Second, he HAS gone with a counselor and with a psychiatrist. Also, we were going together with him (his step dad, I and Will) with a family counselor, but instead of helping, it seemed to shut him off more.

Now, instead, just Jake (his step dad), and I go, also his sisters and brother go, but very rarely.

The counselors seemed to shut him off more than helping him. After the second counselor, he stopped talking COMPLETELY for 2 months. His teachers were talking to me of how the participation was affecting his grades when he was and is such a brilliant student.

Now, he sometimes stops talking completely for weeks or a month without us knowing what triggered it. When he is like this he answers with nods and shaking of his head, etc.

OTHER thing, we talked to the counselor about this, also to the familiar one, she says that meds will just worsen his condition, PLEASE, HELP!!!

I've tried to hug him, but every time I try (not in public, of course for experience with my other kids) he kind of pulls away. Also, we have gone to camp every year, and he prefers to go walking alone or in company of Buddy and Piper. Piper is a Chihuahua we gave him last year for his 13th birthay, and Buddy is a German Shepherd. Other thing is that during Summer he enlisted as a voluntary for helping a vet. The vet, in fact was called Ron. He also works as a wild life rescuer, and he said he had never seen someone as young as Will have such a touch with animals.

Other thing is that he has lots of sketch pads, moleskin notebooks, and has actually started writing a book, and has completed two. I believe he has already sent them to print with a teacher whose sister is a publisher.

Other thing is that he won't accept any money from me or Jake, he will WORK for money, but won't take it for nothing.

so what if he pulls away when I hug him? Every time any member of the family, specially ones he doesn't see often, tries to hug him, he pulls away.

He won't want to be kissed, may tolerate it IF he is OBLIGED to do so, but no hugging. Also, he seems to be afraid of being anywhere crowded, specially in a place where there are lots of strangers. If we go to the mall, if he just sees someone stopping to say hello to us, he'll try to go somewhere else. Jake (step dad) has to grab him from the shoulder to keep him from turning away. After he meets the person for 10 times, he'll just have a quick handshake, but if the person has a hard grip, he'll free himself of the grip of that person. He'll be polite and say sorry, and he is a gentelman, by holding doors, polite too, but still is pretty afraid of people.

What if I just found out today that he was sexually abused? I went for some results of tests that he had with a doctor. The doctor told me that he was sexually abused BEFORE coming with us. Probably by the man with whom he was.

Could you help me in dealing with the fact of what happened to him? Could you please tell me how to tell him that I know of that?
How could he react?

Answer 1

Honey my heart goes out to your family. He is the way he is because of the ordeal he went through. Imagine if it had been you. How would you have handled it? His young mind is so messed up that he definetly needs a lot more counseling. And don't just be yelling at him. It makes him feel unwanted and unloved. Yes he is like a stranger to you, but in the same way you all are strangers to him. He will not open up until he can trust you. I feel my heart go to this young man, I will pray for him to get better and to be able to cope with what happened to him. This is something that shouldn't happen to any child. It is horrendous. Hopefully with love and attention he will be alright. I agree with some of the other answers you've gotten. Make time for him, take him out somewhere, just you and him. Talk about whatever he wants to, Do not bring up the subject of what happened. In his own time he will open up to you. And don't say you can't look in his eyes. His eyes will probably always have that haunted look in them. That poor child. You hear about this kind of thing in the news. Maybe you can contact some of the other parents out there who have been through the same thing. Try to find out if there is a support group on line or in your area. You need help also so you can learn to accept your son the way he is. Hug him, love him, give him what he needs emotionaly. This is only my opinion, for I have never had to go through what you are. I hope this will help you out some. And don't be calling him a sissy because of bullies, you should have stood by him in that area. He was trying to reach out, and you did not reciprocate. Now it will take even longer for him to trust you.

Answer 2

ok here goes my opoinion:ask him about things he likes maybe nature or art... also support him in any way you can. get him sketch pad, pencils, pens anything it seems that he has a knack for art as you've described it. But try basic conversation adn get to know him more. Try hugging him when he gets home from school or something mother-son like. just not in public. If you want him to open up to you, then u must listen to him with whatever he says and etc..... be attaentive. You said he lieks nature, try taking him camping and maybe bring a camera, get him into photograpy? These are my ideas that i think might help him. Dont pressure him very much at all thats key. Im really sorry your in such a difficult situation as he lost most of his building block years but im sure if you work hard at this which it seems like you are, he will come around :) oh and I Strongly sudjest that you dont let your second husbad yell at or punish him because it feels really wierd for kids when that happens. Good Luck!!!!!!

Answer 3

I'm not a psychologist, nor do I have a Ph.D, but your son needs counseling. Being kidnapped for 7 years, most of his memorable life, takes a huge toll on the psyche. Couple that with the hormones of puberty, and you have a very tough situation. Things that YOU can do right now, other than getting him counseling, is talk to him every night. Reassure him that he is loved, because frankly, I haven't seen that emotion yet in any of the question. You seem overly protective, and rightly so, but come on, give your son a break, he's 14 now, in 4 years he will be an adult, you can't be there with him forever. The only thing I can say right now is to get good counseling for him, and talk to him every day.

Answer 4

I don't think you should yell @ him so much. He has had a crappy life it sounds like. I can understand hanging out with the dogs alot, because they are probly comforting. Dogs can help people in ways we could never imagine. The dogs, for instance, don't bug him about his past. I know you want to know, but he will tell you on his own time when he is ready. Also, the whole bullying thing, VERY bad judgement on your part, and your ex didn't have to yell @ him. The best thing you can do is NOT get frustrated with him. This may be way he deosn't tell you anything. I certainly wouldn't if I got yelled @ for every little thing I did! I think that being patience with him is the most you can do, and please try to understand that he has gone through things some of us never will.

Answer 5

Your son has had a very hard life. Now he lives with a mother who yells at him because YOU don't get from him what YOU want. He is giving you what he can. Be nicer to him, nurture him, be interested in the artistic things that he does. Make a point to say at least 3 positive things to him a day. Stop being so negative. I think you are making him feel worse about himself. More counseling couldn't hurt either. I can't believe you yelled at him for not telling you that he was a counselor, why didn't you say something positive instead? Tell him that that is so impressive, and you wish you had known. Give him a hug and tell him that makes you proud. I think you need your own therapy to teach you how to deal with him.

Answer 6

Instead of taking him and the rest of the family to a counselor you need to take him to an actual psychiatrist. They are a medical doctor and they can delve deeper into the emotional problems that he and the rest of the family is feeling. His siblings are hurting also because not only did you lose your son when he was kidnapped, they lost their baby brother. You didn't say, but was he sexually abused? Most children that are kidnapped are, and that is something else that needs to be considered. Children that are sexually abused never get over it, although they can go on to lead productive lives and get married and have children of their own.

Answer 7

He was a abused physically, sexually and emotionally. If that was me I wouldn't want to talk about it either, can you even imagine the painful memories that brings back to him, would you want to remember.
Tell your new husband that he is a ********, he has no right to punish him, he sounds like such a good kid, and by getting good grades and doing all his chores, he's trying to show the world he's ok.
Stop trying to make him talk, your pushing him.
I can't believe your asking for help, read your questions over again, and pretend its about someone elses kids. what would you say? there are so many things that are wrong with this story, and I can't believe your so blind.
All I feel is anger just from reading this, I feel for your poor son. I would have ran away by now, in his own house he has to watch his back, it sounds like he's living in a hell, and you and your husband are Satan just pouring alcohol in his wounds. You shouldn't have children.

Answer 8

I'm sure it's going to take him a lot of time to readjust.Give him that time and maybe one day he will let you in on his life.I wouldn't push it if I were you.Sounds to me that he has had a really rough life.He may need some councling.There is no telling what he has been through.So just bare with him and let him talk about it at his own pace.The way you say that he spends his time with the dogs is probaly because he finds it hard to trust people right now.Hey,dogs are good therapy for people.Congrats on finding your son.i hope I have helped.If not I'm sorry,but I tried.

Answer 9

Have you had counciling yourself? It sounds like you have a lot of anger from the kiddnapping and are projecting it towards him. He is more comfortable with animals/ nature and younger people because they can't hurt him! Try not yelling at him, he might think the kiddnapping was his fault and is afraid. The 7 years that he was gone from his family had to be so traumatizing for everyone. He also is probably stuggling with the comments and seperation from Dad. Patience and time are the 2 key ingredients to healing from this. I'm sorry you all went through this.

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, I'm not. Please remember you are human and are allowed your feelings too.

Answer 10

give your son some space ,,everytime you get angry at him he will push you further away. my brother used to do the same but he was depressed, If you keep his space he will eventually come around. Be happy that you have found him again and he came home again, some children never do, ,as one of the other comments were be interested in one of the things that he is interested in and maybe go out with just him and enjoy his company just you and him . He may never come around but yet he may it is up to him, stop pushing him to talk about the past, obvisoly he does not want to talk about it, but he might open up one day and tell you. hope this helps :)