{A bit rough I'm afraid and not for the lighthearted}
I Came With Instructions
I came with instructions
Like all children do
Just two simple words
Love me, won’t you?
I have always loved you
No matter the pain
I had just figured
You had a bad day
And I know now
Not to spill again
Cause it stains the carpet
(Well worth my sprain)
I’ve brushed all my teeth
Night after night
And learned how to sleep
Without a nightlight
The spankings you gave me
The whippings too
I figured it was you way
To say I love you
So I sit and think
Wondering where you are
I cry and I miss you
I feel that you’re far
Last thing I remember
Was breaking the phone
I tried to call you at work
Because I wanted you home
I was so hungry
And there was no food
I never meant to put you
In such a fowl mood
I found myself naked
On my closet floor
Bleeding from my ears
But pain was no more
2007-08-25 13:44:43 · 11 answers · asked by ? 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I’ve been thinking Mother!
I know what I’ve done!
I’m so sorry mother.
I know I was wrong.
Please let me out!
I promise to be good!
Would you love me now?
(If you could?)
2007-08-25 13:45:16 · update #1
you sure know how to bring tears to a 62 yr old...have a star...beam me up khayyam
2007-08-25 16:06:10 · answer #1 · answered by eb_guy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The message is clear, and if you wanted it to sound as if a young child wrote it, you were successful. However, if you want it to be even, with the same meter, beats, etc., it needs work. There are lines that sound natural, and those that sound forced, like "I feel that you're far". Also, watch out for malapropisms like "fowl mood"...it's "foul"...the other one has wings and a beak :) Also, watch out for the missing "r" in words like "your" (which end up a "you" as in "you way").
If you want to correct the meter and beat errors, just have someone read it out loud to you. I've seen your other poetry and believe you can fix the hard spots on your own.
Also, you might try writing some verse in longer lines, something with more than just 2 or 3 feet; longer lines help the poem flow more evenly.
...and as always, keep writing
2007-09-01 14:34:09 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ohhh shad here you have captured the "innocences" really well here....all children are born this pure.....it is us the adults who will cause much harm done....especially emotionally if we are not aware of such pure innocence.....believe you me ....i swear i will try not to cause a shed of tear in the childrens eyes .... any children if i can help it..........for usually they not know why....and we the adults should know better.......Here a poem for all those innocent children out there.
2007-08-26 12:05:45 · answer #3 · answered by soundfamiliar 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
We all choose the set of instructions we abide by.
Life is just a game.
Why all the pain?
2007-08-26 00:02:51 · answer #4 · answered by bondioli22 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What a lovely poem
it has different feelings
like love,
feeling lightedheaded
and pain
these are feelings of saddness
2007-08-25 23:22:51 · answer #5 · answered by sweet_blue 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
omg what inspired you to write this piece I pray its not personal experience. This is a tragic piece its the best one yet but soo sad. Keep Writing!!!
2007-08-26 02:02:34 · answer #6 · answered by Sh00ting_St@r! 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Awesomely written.
2007-09-02 18:07:10 · answer #7 · answered by Rich G 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hmm so sad and good at the same time
2007-08-31 20:42:28 · answer #8 · answered by L0V3_$T0N3D 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Now that's sad!
2007-08-25 22:04:18 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow
2007-08-25 20:51:04 · answer #10 · answered by honeytree 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋