http://vicedevil.buzznet.com/user/journal/899351/
2007-08-25 13:29:02 · 6 answers · asked by Mary 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
So God offers redemption once again to the repentant sinner, how convenient. "a day ago"? That's a lot of life for one day!
You should put your work into stanzas so the progression through the piece is more concise. This might help with changes in meter and rhyme scheme. You lose your meter about 3/4 through but you get it back in the end though not the same meter as first 1/2. I always try to drop the 'ands' when I can and try using a word as a refrain within a line so "I'm tired, sick and sore" would become, 'I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm sore." I also try to use internal rhymes like your line, "And the babies I have maimed", babies and maimed use the same "a" sound so they work well together in a line and can create unity in a work, use it more, word choice is king!
The work moved well through the narrative and your use of language is good. Work on avoiding cliche and use imagery to describe the emotional state of the work. Narrative is good for prose but poetry wants a metaphor.
Check out my work on my 360, not great but some of it works.
Keep it up. A writer writes!
Yes I liked it. Read more poetry, D.
2007-08-25 14:24:44 · answer #1 · answered by Duncan w ™ ® 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't usually follow links to poetry, but this time I did, and I was pleasantly surprised, it was actually well written. Most links I have followed in the past weren't worth the effort. The subject matter didn't impress me much, because I'm not a fan of the dark side, but you did an excellent job of conveying your thoughts to paper.The rhythm and rhyme were very good, and the ballad stanza lent itself well to the poem. Thank you for an enjoyable reading session.
And as for the person who thinks it's too long, tell them to read Longfellow's "Wreck of the Hesperus"
2007-08-25 21:07:16 · answer #2 · answered by Dondi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Normally, I don't click the links. I was happy I did. You had a really nice flow in your poem with some original and unpredictable lines. So, I did like it. I hope you write more.
2007-08-25 23:11:01 · answer #3 · answered by Todd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good way to exhibit your fear.
A bit to lengthy.
It more like a short story then
poetry dear.
Yet poetry can be lengthy,
its a story in a poem.
A bit too repetitive,
I got what you meant,
you don't want to be left all alone.
2007-08-25 20:57:50 · answer #4 · answered by Juefawn™ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW! im speachless. That was an AWSOME poem, also ur a great poet im nowhere compared to u
2007-08-25 21:44:44 · answer #5 · answered by Ashley 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
good one
2007-08-25 22:52:48 · answer #6 · answered by amythepro 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋