What do ya think?

Question

Chapter I
"Pappy, doesn't the tree look grand this year?" I asked my father.
"Yes sweetie, it does," he replied.
I looked out of the frosty window towards the Midwinter Festival taking place outside. Snow was falling on the already icy roads. My mother was smiling in a rocking chair by the icy window. I sat on the hearth by the blazing fire that my maid had lit. Our festival tree was ablaze with beautiful ribbons, colored glass orbs, and streamers. Several candles were lit around the large parlour.
"Mum, can I open just one?" I cried. I wanted to open my Midwinter presents that were sitting under the tree.
"You may have one. But," she said as I made a move for the tree, "it is not under there. Call Miriam, will you?" I got up and shouted for Miriam out of the door frame. She came running at my call.
"Yes'm?" she asked.
"Bring Jellroa's present please," my mother ordered.
"Right away ma'am," Miriam obeyed. When she came back, she had a squirming bundle in her arms.
"Oh momma, is it a marmoset like I wanted?" I asked, hoping it was.
“You know us oh too well,” was the reply from my dear mother. The little monkey bounded out of Miriam's arms and headed straight for the tree. Before it could reach the beautiful tree, I had picked it up and was giving it some fruit. The little monkey looked at me before accepting my token.

This is a new story I'm working on.

this story is set in the English past. It is about a 9 year-old girl whose parents and friends are killed by Bloody Beard the pirate. She takes the money her family left her and buys a ship in order to set after Bloody Beard and his crew. Along the way, she gains an all woman crew and makes freinds with the most trecherous of people. When her and Bloody beard meet up, seven years later, of course they battle. When the girl and her crew overtake B. Beard and his crew, they have the choice to go back to the way they lived, or continue hunting pirates.

the monkey helps her ALOT in the story.

Answer 1

A little on the old fashioned side, but maybe that is the look you are going for. A couple of things. 1) You write in the passive tense. "the fire that my maid had lit." ... Simplified... "my maid lit." Stronger. Eliminate all those extra had's. Same thing at the end. "Before it reached the beautiful tree, I picked it up and gave it some fruit. Stronger. 2) Same sentence superfluous "that's" ... “the fire that my maid had lit." becomes "the fire my maid lit." ... You don't need the "that". About 85% of the time, "that" is superfluous and should come out. 3) Contractions ... You should always use them in dialogue. That's how people speak. Using them in narration is entirely up to you, but in dialogue, use them. "It is not under the tree" sounds artificial. "It's not under the tree" is how people speak. 4) Marc is correct about repetition of words. Keep thesaurus.com as an open window while you are writing. Choose other words. The first thing an editor will notice is those repetitions.

In general, I think you are what I call "trying to sound like an auh-thor". It sounds like you have this idea of how authors sound when they write and you are trying to imitate it. The result is that your work sounds artificial. I guarantee you that if I sat you down and asked you to tell me this story aloud, it wouldn't sound this way. You would tell it in your own style of speaking, your "voice". You need to start developing that in your writing. Develop your own voice. Writing is basically talking on paper. I think a story about a family at a holiday would sound much warmer and interesting written in a softer, gentler, less "auh-thor" sounding style.

Think about it. Pax - C

Answer 2

Well, I can only give you my opinion on the style of writing since I know nothing of the plot.
The story reads fairly well, maybe with more description it could be better. I like the adjectives but you seem to forget that you used "icy" twice in a quick running - also "ablaze" and "blazing" occur in quick succession. Try finding synonyms. All in all, quite good - I liked the idea of a marmoset as a gift. I don't know why, but it's fun. It could develop well, depending on the plot.

Just work a bit more on the descriptions and make sure you grab the reader in the first three or four sentences.

I've also written a short piece, a new work I'm proceeding with. The link is below. Do you like it? I hope you do. Anyway, well done to your story. If you have a good plot, please post more samples. You can also email me if you want.

Link to my story:http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-zeess2sydLSfKoOI4jnqHg13;_ylt=ApKVCPKslBo1alPTxEagG.WsAOJ3
Hope you enjoy ; )

Answer 3

She's not acting like a nine year old. She's more like a teenager. She should have her own way of explaining the world that's innocent and full of child-like fantasy. Read "To Kill A Mockingbird". The little girl "Scout"; that's how to write a child character. I hope this was helpful.

Answer 4

i think it is terrific! why would a child recieve a monkey for a christmas gift though? where on earth do they live?

Answer 5

I like it. I think you need to work on the grammar though.

Answer 6

Recreation of curious george? I don't see it going anywhere.

Answer 7

WOW...bright eyes and good times...then does the monkey dance? ;)

Answer 8

it's just good!