How to rebuild trust in a relationship, but not from cheating, from lieing?

Question

My boyfriend and I have suffered from trust issues. Basically me not fully trusting him. But not because of cheating, because of many occasions where he lied for little or no reason. He thought I'd flip at things I would of rather heard the truth about. After the first few times I caught him lying, we got over it because the reasons were petty. But then I would suspect larger things being a lie, so i would investigate and find out they were. We had a talk and decided he would stop lying and I would stop snooping, so that the never ending circle would end. It worked for awhile. But in the back of my mind I've always realized how easy it was for him to lie straight to my face on so many occasions. I can NOT lie to him so that always boggled my mind. I decided to trust him with everything, so no following up on anything he tells me. But how will I ever know if he's stopped lying if I never follow up. I want to rebuild this trust both ways, what is the best way to do this?

Answer 1

Well the first thing that comes to my mind is understand where he comes from/why he could be lying. I would need a little more information as to what he lies about but you said he would lie for little or no reason. Also the fact that he agreed so easily makes me wonder if he was abused/spanked, verbally ridiculed or punished any other way as a child? I see some similarities to myself here then again I could be wrong too. There is something that happens to kids who have had the before mentioned treatment where they will become compulsive liars and usually not even realizing they are lying. I know for me and others will lie about what seems like anything as a way to avoid being punished. This was a survival technique used to avoid or get out of the abuse and later when the kids grow up this way is so ingrained in their minds that it seems automatic. I know also it gets worse when I really care about someone and their opinion of me too. They can also be lying to themselves again with out even realizing it. If he agrees to stop doing it that is good because he knows he is doing it which can be the hardest part but also that he is not happy he does it which means he cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you but this bad habit just needs to be worked on. If this is the case I would trust him but you will just need to be patient and try to help him with reassurance until he can get over the past this can take time though.

On the other hand he could just be a con man trying to take advantage of you but from what you say I don't think he is doing that and I think you would be able to tell if he was. Unless he is lying about serious things I really don't think you should be too worried but if he is lying just remind him that you know he is lying and that he doesn't have to do that.

I could be way off but it sounds like I could be right if you want to give better details you can e-mail me and I am only speaking from my own experiences.

Answer 2

Now you know why lying is bad. Some people, by the way, do not even know they are lying. They are so used to saying the thing that they think everyone wants to hear or the things that will keep them out of trouble, that to them it is always the truth.
To those who can handle large affairs, more will be given, and those that could nor handle even little affairs, the little they have will be taken away. I hope you don't mind supporting him.

Answer 3

So how do you know he isn't lying about not cheating? The smart thing would be to break it off with him. It's not as if you're married already. At least you can be free to meet someone honest.

Answer 4

If he has lied to you this long how do you know if he's not lying to you about trying not to lie. Sometimes people are just habitual liars. They can't help it.

Answer 5

You cannot. Lying is second nature to him. . You must learn to live with his flaws. or move on.