Child abuse and self blame..?

Question

Hi..

Could anyone please tell me why we as adults blame ourselves for abuse that happened so many years ago in our childhood... Why do we blame ourselves yet if we put ourselves in other peoples positions, we wouldn't blame them at all... We can like think of a little child and would we blame them?? No... Sooo why,, i just don't understand.

Also, i'm doing some work and was looking at different reasons why children blame themselves for the abuse.
If you could help i would appreciate it so much.

Thank you .

Answer 1

Well...
i can't really help you but i'd say it's becuz they think it's their fault for being the bad one as the child and then when they think back on it they think "see if i wasn't so bad then they wouldn't have done somthing like that"
and then that just makes them depressed i hope that it wasnt you that went through this as a child.
i hope this helps you out...
:)

Answer 2

It's only a theory as luckily I was never abused!
A child misbehaves and so is physically punished (more likely in a family where other abuse issues occur)
A child cannot understand sexual concepts and only knows that it is being hurt (punished). They think that something they have done or said is the reason for the punishment. Very often the abuser will also tell a child it is their fault!
It doesn't help when some in society still have the attitude that if someone is raped they 'asked' for it, by dressing or behaving in some way that incited the perpetrator of the crime! Children hear things like that said by adults so to them it must be true

It's very difficult as an adult to entirely change how we thought of things when we were children, for example I know as an adult that it is ridiculous to be scared of earwigs but because I was scared of them as a child and saw that my Mum was scared of them I cannot overcome the fear.
.
I hope that makes sense and that it is helpful.

ps What a beautiful baby!!!!

Answer 3

I think adults blame themselves for the abuse they experienced as children because they are looking at childhood events through the eyes of the adult. Almost everyone would like to feel that they can exert control over their environment, but children often lack the cognitive skills to make sense out of their environment, plan for changes effective, or have developed the skills necessary to implement those changes. Children are helpless and that is a feeling we do not like to have. So we trick ourselves into feeling we could have done something when we could not. We do not want to admit that sometimes we are not in control and we are helpless. It is very difficult to accept an unwanted past.
I am sorry for your pain. Your are better able to manage things now. You can accept your past, not forgive, but accept. You are strong enough to help others. Find peace and serenity in the joy you can bring to others.

Answer 4

Because its easy, you need to blame somebody but if you blame the adult responsible what will happen?, NOTHING, you cant hurt them or make them suffer for what they have done can you?and your probably still afraid of them. You cant blame your parents for not knowing where you were or not caring, or leaving you with a bad sitter can you?and what would happen if you did?NOTHING. So generally it is easier to blame yourself as you can punish yourself till your hearts content not that it ever will be if you have suffered abuse, you can starve yourself or over eat you can call youself put your self down stop yourself making any lasting friendships or relationships and you can let yourself do this for as long as you want to, IMPORTANT! or you can put the blame where it belongs on the head of the abuser, a child up until the age of 16 at least is a child who needs adult supervision, a care giver. when an adult misplaces a childs trust and abuses the child there is only ever the adult to blame, some sick twisted kinds will say the kid was flirting with me she sat with her legs apart, or she did hand stands showing her knickers,or she was dancing in front of me, or she was looking at me, SO WHAT? that doesnt mean its the childs fault, that means the abuser as found an excuse for his/her filthy mind to allow him/her to abuse the child it makes it ok in their head only.
Im 37 now nothing was ever done to my abusers so I went through life and still am feeling that nobody cared enough to save me from what Id gone through, no court proceadings my dad didn't go and punch their faces in, because in my eyes I wasn't worth it. So Iv never blamed myself Iv always blamed my mum for leaving when I was 2 and my dad for getting the wrong nannies and then my grand parents for letting me play out when I was 6 without knowing where I was they never asked where Id been either.
There are scars left behind from child abuse that you wouldn't guess were scars things like setting boundries for your own children can be difficult, jelousy in friendships and relationships, insecurity feelings of worthlesness, fear of rejection, the list is endless, The Courage to Heal, - Ellen Bass, Laura Davis is a good place to start you should be able to get it from a library. Please do something about it while your life is still in front of you so you don't have to look back on what you could of done. If you think I could help any further you can contact me.
Good luck and be strong but not to strong to ask for help.

Answer 5

I don't blame myself. I have very low self-confidence because of my dad, but from the age of 4 I was asking my mum to divorce him, and I tended to get the worst of it because I stood up to him. I always knew it was his fault and hated him.
However, all I seem to be able to feel these days is anger, all other emotions are kind of muted. So maybe it does just as much damage if you grow up feeling that kind of hatred all the time. Perhaps that is why some people blame themselves, so they can still love others. I seem to have lost that ability a long time ago.

Answer 6

I think that if children could look/see the abuser as the cause of the trauma, their anger could overwhelm them and they, themselves would be placed in custody!! It's a terrible state--also, the adult ALWAYS has the verbal ability to out-talk a child; has the status to deny the accusations; and the monetary ability to legally defend himself!!! A child in this society--any society??--has no leverage, unless a social services worker can HEAR the child!!! AND, if the child's mother will HEAR the child and ACT to protect h/her!!! So much of the time, the woman is economically dependent upon the husband, that she will not "hear" the truth!!! Sad, but true!!!

Answer 7

Why? Because little ones don't understand what is happening to them. Someone hurts me. Why? I must be bad.

Also, little ones blame themselves for divorce of their parents, sometimes. Mom told Dad she'd promised me that he would take me downtown and buy a book that I'd wanted. Dad argued, next thing you know, he was gone. I was 6 yrs old.... For years, I thought he left because I was selfish enough to want a book.

If this happens when you are young enough, you repress it. You swallow it down and put it someplace inside where you don't have to deal with it...... Don't deal with it? You can't get rid of it, either.

I worked thru many things as an adult, when I got into therapy. And I finally let it all go. Sometimes, that's what it takes.

Answer 8

Actually a child was pretty much blamed for her abuse. Her name was Elizabeth Smart. Many people asked why a girl, then 14, wouldn't run away from her captor when she had several opportunities. It's supposed to be a brainwashing technique, only the APA stays away from that term because they engage in brainwashing, so they call it something else. It goes along the same lines of "battered wife syndrome" or whatever it's called.

Basically put, should this phenomena be proven true, in Elizabeth Smart's case, and from what I remember, her captor told her he would kill her and caused her fear. He also covered her up, raped her, which would cause more fear. Eventually she gets used to him, and in a since trusts him.

Other cases where this occurs:
Shawn Hornbeck (the kid who lived with a pedophile). Bill O'Reilly believed that he enjoyed being at his captor's house because he didn't have to go to school. While that was a fact (he didn't have to go to school), pedophiles generally treat you like their own children by feeding you, giving you shelter, spoiling you, and taking offense if you say anything to upset them. They feel this justifies their kidnapping you, holding you initially against their will, and then molesting you because they feel they took care of you. They call this "love" and it leaves the victim feeling remorse for their captor, which is about how, say, NAMBLA, operates. Children are easily influenced, and if you give them what they want, even if you abuse them, they will fall for you. Usually, pedophiles operate best when the child is struggling at home with their parents' rules, they then do their attack, only to the child it's not an attack but a gesture they care for them.

Same with "battered wife syndrome". These women were vulnerable, needing someone to care for them, and fell for the first guy who told her he "loved her" even though he'll probably downsize her by calling her names, calling her worthless, but still pays for her needs, so she feels trapped because if she leaves, she feels like she's betraying him since he does help her.

I know all this stuff because my family is very mentally abusive, due to either being molested or alcohol abuse, so I am learning to cope.

Generally, these people who fall for this sort of thing will either be diagnosed with "manic depression" or "post-traumatic stress disorder" or both, possibly something else, but it generally starts with these.

Society also plays a burden, as I've shown.

I know I didn't really answer your question, but if you want to see the drama unfold right in front of your eyes, try to get a hold of the movie, "I Know My Last Name is Steven" or research it and find out what happened to Steven and his family. So sad. I've given you a lot of keywords you can use to thoroughly search this stuff on google or at a school's database, but if I could be of any more help, let me know.

Another example is Michael Jackson. While he hasn't been convicted of any crime, go to youtube and watch the video where he dangles a baby over the balcony, and read about him. His father finally admitted to whipping him with a belt and something else, but said he didn't beat him because he didn't use a stick (perhaps he's also a victim of abuse).

You could research Hitler or serial killers, as they blame themselves enough to kill people, but these are uneasy routes for many people and if that stuff makes you uneasy, then I should have given you enough information to assist you.

Answer 9

Young children are powerless and vunerable. I think that we adults blame ourselves for childhood abuse because it's easier. If we blame our parents we feel like we are being 'bad'. Your supposed to love your parents, right? I didn't realize how I had blamed myself for what my parents did to me when I was a kid. It took someone else to point this out to me.

Answer 10

Simple, it's a conditioned reflex when someone has ben blamed for everything imaginable a lifetime it's only natural for them to blame themselves for all the worlds woes. It's as simple as Dr Pavlov's dog's reflexes!