Can you write a funny story with these kooky lines? (for fun!)?

Question

1) That is a most interesting use for velcro madam!
2) The line forms to the rear.
3) The way it all began was....
4) If life gives you lemons________
5) Don't be absurd!! Whatever made you think this was_____?

Answer 1

Dodge City, Kansas
Circa 1873

From The Diary Of Miss KItty Russell

Dear Diary,

(4) If life gives you lemons you're suppose to make lemonade.
Right? (5) Don't be absurd!! Whatever made you think that life was fair?! My particular "lemons" happen to be Sunshine MacGillicutty.Why on EARTH did she have to choose Dodge City to visit? Ever since Matt laid eyes on her, it was the end of life as I know it.
I am told that we all have guardian angels...If this is true, then mine must be the Keystone Kops!http://www.assumption.edu/ahc/Vanities/keystone3.jpg

Today was a disaster from beginning to end. (3) The way it all began was like this.....I awoke with my usual hangover. Blah.Blah. Blah. When I finally made it downstairs for a cup of coffee, I found a most unusual sight. Matt was sprawled out on the floor, sound asleep, covered in a blanket. Apparently he had had too much to drink and Sam The Bartender had let him sleep it off.
I looked at Matt fondly. GOD!! He still holds the strings to my broken,broken heart. My intention was to slip under the blanket and cuddle up next to him. When I pulled the blanket back, I nearly spit!! There was Sunshine!!!
Yep! The Horrible Hillbilly From Hell was all cozy dozy with Matt!!!
Just then ,Sam yelled to me:"I have some problems to discuss with you, Miss Kitty."
I replied:(2) "The line forms to the rear. My plate is full right now, Sam !!
I sat in the nearest chair and watched in amazement as the two of them cooed and wooed......Even asleep they kept up their monkey sex chatter !!
I actually heard Matt talk in his sleep... "Oh, SunnyMac. What keeps your blouse fastened?"
JERKFACE replied:" It's called velcro, MattBaby."
I wanted to kick her brains in, but curiousity as to what the HELL they would say next, prevented me.
Matt:"Did you say velcro, darlin? Hmmmmm. (1) That is a most interesting use for velcro madam! "
THEN.......In his sleep....In his SLEEP, mind you, Matt started to remove her blouse !!
That was IT!!! I was so furious, I got a bucket of water and threw it on them!!
They awoke with a start! Now, I gotta tell ya, I was ready for a fight! I had my dukes up! I was good to go. You know what happened?! Matt and the lunatic started laughing.
Sunshine asked if they should go home to change. Matt wondered if they should go to his office, instead.
I screamed at them...."A PLAGUE ON BOTH YOUR HOUSES!!!!" .....as I stormed out.

Oh , what the hell. Tomorrow's another day. Maybe she'll get killed by a runaway stage coach.
Mmmmm, I'll drink to that!

Answer 2

Sticky Situations.
IF LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS sometimes, just sometimes, you have to give a few back to relieve the tension and put things back into perspective.
I ran my own Day Care Center and that’s THE WAY IT ALL STARTED. Some days could be pretty hectic and wild especially when my co-worker decides to take a few unexpected days off for no apparent reason. Maybe I should have used “IT” on her instead.
Now don’t get me wrong she’s a nice enough person and I adore the children but like I said, some days, there was no controlling the kids on my own so I needed to come up with a brain wave to have them take “Time Out” in an orderly fashion. It took me awhile to put my idea in place and a month later I had the darling little things all sewed up.
The following morning I walked in with 13 little T-shirts with “Happy Toddler’s Day Care Center” wrote on the front but the real fun was about to happen and hopefully work.
The children were all running around and my darling co-worker was off again so it was a perfect day to try them out.
“Okay children,” I called out, “I have new T-shirts for you all so THE LINE FORMS TO THE REAR and I will put them on you. Once you get them please go sit down.”
What child doesn’t like receiving something new? They lined up perfect and I helped each child with their T-shirt then stood there smiling as each one of them sat down and “Voila!” they stuck to the chair they sat in. The rest of the day went perfect letting them up only when they had to go to the bathroom.
One of the fathers came early that day to pick their child up and looked a little startled. “THAT IS THE MOST INTERESTING USE FOR VELCRO MADAM!” he said, “but is that legal?”
“DON’T BE ABSURB! WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK THIS WAS child abuse? That is what you are insinuating isn’t it. Of course it’s legal (crossing my fingers at the back of me) I was just trying it on the kids to see if it would work so they didn’t fall off there chairs while doing their crafts.”
He took his child home and when the rest left I thought twice about my idea. Maybe I had used too many lemons this time.

P.S. Please all remember this is JUST a story. I love children.

Answer 3

Silva testifies on her own behalf:

The way it all began was....well it began quite a bit earlier in my life you could say but about HIM.

He comes up to me and after impressing me with a belch straight out of a mideavel warriors postmassacre feast asks "are those real" to which I obviously should have ignored but I've heard this so many times I flipped and answered "Don't be absurd!! Whatever made you think this was" and you understand the rest I'm sure.

Unlike most men who take a hint when I glower at them with teeth bared he does himself in good, proving himself unfit for habitation in civilised society.

"That's a most interesting use for velcro Madam!"

What did he mean by a crack like that, and I wasn't even wearing a bra, I don't need to use one thank you? Shouldn't they give us gals a forwarning before they give out passes from the pondscum? So I'm buxom, must they always say something? Yeah I'm soooo complimented by these ummm gentlemen. The line forms at the rear. No there, look though these bonoculars...over theeerree.

But anyway, velcro couldn't have kept this man more securely bonded to me and I had to defend myself. My red silk dress certainly had no place to hide a weapon and I don't have a weapon to hide anyway, but there was a bowl of lemons on the bar and if life gives you lemons....I made lemonade, I stuffed one right proper in his offensive mouth. You might say I made a defensive manouver upon his offensive instrument.

He files a complain against me for assault, well the gall.

Answer 4

Sheila awoke slowly, feeling the gritty sand that she substitute into mendacity on. She groggily raised her head and the 1st element to greet her eyes substitute into her wonderful, captivating new sailboat, broken in 2 on the rocks merely fifty yards offshore. A voice broke into her fuzzy recommendations, "Are ya a sailor? nicely, ARE YA? Her head snapped to the left and her recommendations tried to check in the ragged, bushy creature sitting there. "hi!" it pronounced. "i'm Harry, yet no pun meant. you recognize? Like H-a-r-r-y?". Sheila shook her head, thinking, "This reminds my of my Village human beings nightmare!" returned she opened her eyes, however the furry apparition substitute into nonetheless there. The whiskers parted returned as greater words emerged, "whats up! Do you talk?" nonetheless, she could desire to no longer say something. A hand lifted, the arm clad in a ragged sleeve that adjust into greater or much less linked to bits of fabric that could have been a shirt at one time. hands stroked the beard and twisted tendrils of moustache hair. "Ya comprehend, lady, what we've been given it quite is a failure to speak. i'm a genuine guy or woman, ya comprehend!" Sheila all started giggling. She raised her eyes to the sky and without warning sang out loud, "Yo, ho ho, and a bottle of . . . OOO! Oooh, Mountain Dewwwww! i'm interior the path of a nightmareeeee a pair of castaway. I knew I don't have ate that filled crab with egg sauce!" Harry drew himself up in an aloof and dignified pose. "nicely, lady, I woulda fixed myself up if i could accepted i substitute into gonna have organisation!" He regarded around superciliously and snapped, "everyone considered my attractiveness case?" He became his interest returned to Sheila and asked, "Harry, previous boy, have you ever considered something soooo delicate?" Sheila scrunched backward, croaking out "keep far off from me, you bushy Harry!" He fell on his knees earlier her and raised his palms in supplication. "Ma'am, i'm asking you to marry me, you little trollop!" Sheila gaped at him, gave a hysterical bark of laughter, then collapsed in a ineffective faint. for that reason ended her first few moments as a castaway on the distant seashores of Santa Catalina Island.